Merry Christmas! I must say Christmas as a SAHM is interesting. I got all the shopping and decorating done without any headaches and there was no last minute running to any store. It was great. Less stress for everyone involved. The only thing that felt odd was that it wasn't a group effort. My husband was busy with work, so I just took care of everything. Of course we discussed potential gifts, but we usually go out together. I missed that this year.
I did, however, fall into the Christmas SAHM pit. I tried to do too much. We have a beautiful advent calendar my mother made us and everyday I tried to do something special. Not fancy or expensive things, but something extra. We made cookies, spent time at the park, made a ginger bread house and lots of other stuff. None of it was terribly time consuming except I was trying to do it while my oldest was in school and had homework and piano and horseback riding and my husband was out of town a lot. I stressed myself out trying to do everything.
That's the Christmas SAHM pit. I feel like I'm home so everything should be magical and wonderful. The kids had a great time and I was exhausted and not feeling the spirit. I lost track of the true meaning of Christmas which is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Fortunately, my very sane husband reminded me of this before it was too late. I love him. Hopefully I can avoid the pit next year and remember to enjoy my friends and family.
About Me
- The Unplanned Housewife
- I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
To Clean or Not to Clean
To clean or not to clean, that is often the battle in my house. I like my house to be clean. If I had the energy it would be spotless. But I don't. A recent article in the New York Times, The Case for Filth by Stephen Marche, discusses the issue of house cleaning in modern times. He reports something women all over the world already know; women do the majority of the housework. What I found interesting is that a study found men actually do LESS work now than they did 20 years ago! So it seems that even though women have taken on more work outside the home, they still do most of the work inside the home. Interestingly, the study also showed that women are doing less housework as well. It seems that the female struggle to be equal in the home and workplace has not resulted in men scrubbing more bathtubs, but in less tub scrubbing.... period.
My initial response to this is, "Yeah. If he's not going to clean it, then I'm not either!" Unfortunately, that means I have to live in a state of gross. I love my husband, but his gross-out threshold is way higher than mine. When I was working, I tried to not clean the bathroom until he did. About 3 months later, I had to shower in the kid's bathroom. And my husband still didn't see that there was any problem. So basically, if I want a clean house, I have to clean it.
At first that doesn't seem fair, but it's my issue. My husband keeps the house clean at a certain level. If I'm not happy with that level, it's my job to take care of that. To be fair, my husband has a lower threshold for clutter than I do. He hates when the kid's toys are everywhere. I can handle it as long as the floor underneath those toys is clean. So when it gets to a point that he's not comfortable with, he cleans it up.
Being the maid is the only downfall to being a SAHM. I used to have more help cleaning the house, but now that I stay home and my husband works more, it's my job. I feel like it should be my job. It would be nice to not have to do it all the time though. My oldest helps out, but she's only 8. As the kids get older they'll have to do more, but that's a ways away. Oh well. I'll just buy some fancy cleaning gloves and get it done.
My initial response to this is, "Yeah. If he's not going to clean it, then I'm not either!" Unfortunately, that means I have to live in a state of gross. I love my husband, but his gross-out threshold is way higher than mine. When I was working, I tried to not clean the bathroom until he did. About 3 months later, I had to shower in the kid's bathroom. And my husband still didn't see that there was any problem. So basically, if I want a clean house, I have to clean it.
At first that doesn't seem fair, but it's my issue. My husband keeps the house clean at a certain level. If I'm not happy with that level, it's my job to take care of that. To be fair, my husband has a lower threshold for clutter than I do. He hates when the kid's toys are everywhere. I can handle it as long as the floor underneath those toys is clean. So when it gets to a point that he's not comfortable with, he cleans it up.
Being the maid is the only downfall to being a SAHM. I used to have more help cleaning the house, but now that I stay home and my husband works more, it's my job. I feel like it should be my job. It would be nice to not have to do it all the time though. My oldest helps out, but she's only 8. As the kids get older they'll have to do more, but that's a ways away. Oh well. I'll just buy some fancy cleaning gloves and get it done.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
Gotta Love That Boy
My husband can be a picky man about some things. He likes his clothes washed and folded in just the right way. He likes his truck mess free. He likes his desk organized in a certain way. But the thing my husband is most particular about is what body parts, and things that are next to body parts touch. Shoes should not touch a couch, chair or bed (I agree with this one). Feet, whether socked or naked should never touch a table, pillow or other body part. Tongues should stay in the mouth and never be used to lick a plate (guilty). When any of these things happen, my normally calm husband get fidgety and upset. So you can imagine his disgust and my joy when our son decided he was going to change into his school clothes while laying on our bed. He took his pull up off and standing, bare foot and bare butted, on my husband's pillow, decided to put on his underwear. My husband immediately told him to get down and he did. Naked butt first, he slid down my husband's pillow onto the floor! I'm still laughing. The sheets were immediately washed. I love my family.
Monday, November 25, 2013
New Page - Driving Us Crazy
I've added a new page. This page is dedicated to what drives me crazy and what I think drives most moms crazy.
I will be adding more. Lots of things drive me crazy.
I will be adding more. Lots of things drive me crazy.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Fatherhood 303
After three children parenting is bound to change. My husband is pretty much the same dad he was with our first child, but occasionally he surprises me. Our children were given cookies this Sunday after Sunday school and our son dropped a piece on the ground. Being four and properly trained in not wasting food, he promptly picked it up and ate it. To which my husband said...and I quote.... "Don't eat things off the ground." My son responded with, "But I blew all the hair off." To which my husband replied, "It's OK to do that at home, but not in public. Only eat food off the floor at home."
First of all to hear my husband tell my son to eat off the floor is crazy. I never, ever thought I would hear something like that come from him. Second of all, my husband thinks our floors are clean enough to eat off of! That makes me feel good.
First of all to hear my husband tell my son to eat off the floor is crazy. I never, ever thought I would hear something like that come from him. Second of all, my husband thinks our floors are clean enough to eat off of! That makes me feel good.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Pushing Through
Question: What do you get when you mix a SAHM with a husband who travels all the time?
Answer: A lonely, exhausted, slightly loopy, chocolate eating woman who would benefit from a full body massage, a bottle of tequila, a nap and a treadmill.
My husband has been gone almost every week for the last 3 months. I'm tired. The kids are tired. We all miss him very much. He's doing what he needs to do and I am extremely grateful. I know it's not easy being away from us either.
I don't know what it is, but the longer he's gone, the less my children sleep. Today, the baby finally passed out and took a 3 and a half hour nap after days of 1 and a half hour naps and only 9 hours at night. The older two are staying up later and getting up earlier everyday. I think they're down to 8 hours a night. It's odd how missing some one can affect you.
I'm just craving some adult interaction that goes beyond the daily pleasantries at daycare. My days are dictated by what my children are doing. It is very difficult and very expensive to find babysitters, so my activities are limited and now that cold weather is setting in, even trips to the park have been cut short.
Some days I feel captive in my own home. Even if I had some where to go, I couldn't because some one has practice, or a test to study for, or needs a nap! It's not that I'm not happy. It's quite the opposite. I am surprisingly content with my life these days. I just want a little more freedom to pursue some grown up activity. I don't know what that is yet. I'm working on it.
Answer: A lonely, exhausted, slightly loopy, chocolate eating woman who would benefit from a full body massage, a bottle of tequila, a nap and a treadmill.
My husband has been gone almost every week for the last 3 months. I'm tired. The kids are tired. We all miss him very much. He's doing what he needs to do and I am extremely grateful. I know it's not easy being away from us either.
I don't know what it is, but the longer he's gone, the less my children sleep. Today, the baby finally passed out and took a 3 and a half hour nap after days of 1 and a half hour naps and only 9 hours at night. The older two are staying up later and getting up earlier everyday. I think they're down to 8 hours a night. It's odd how missing some one can affect you.
I'm just craving some adult interaction that goes beyond the daily pleasantries at daycare. My days are dictated by what my children are doing. It is very difficult and very expensive to find babysitters, so my activities are limited and now that cold weather is setting in, even trips to the park have been cut short.
Some days I feel captive in my own home. Even if I had some where to go, I couldn't because some one has practice, or a test to study for, or needs a nap! It's not that I'm not happy. It's quite the opposite. I am surprisingly content with my life these days. I just want a little more freedom to pursue some grown up activity. I don't know what that is yet. I'm working on it.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Part 4: Dangers of being a SAHM
Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times. Part 4: Danger of being a SAHM
There is inherent risk in being a SAHM. You are putting your entire financial well-being in the hands of one individual. That is a lot of stress for both members involved and can be the source of a lot of "debate" within a marriage. There is also the emotional consequences of being a SAHM. Self-worth is something many moms struggle with leading to low self-esteem and depression. There is the danger that when you decide you want to return to work, there may be nothing available and the job may no longer exist.
Some of the women interviewed in the New York Times article had difficulties going back to work in media type jobs. The jobs just didn't exist anymore or no one was hiring. It's difficult to leave a career for 10 years without it changing drastically; making a person unqualified for many high level positions. Most ladies who returned to work, did so at lower levels than they left, for a lot less money. They essentially 'began again'. I don't believe there is anything a person can do to really combat this. The world changes a lot in ten years and so do professions. Even maintaining certifications and licenses would be helpful, but probably not enough.
The emotional toll of being a SAHM can be very heavy. I still struggle with self-worth and trying to feel accomplished. Being a SAHM is great and rewarding, but for me, it's still not the same as running the research in a lab. It's terrible to say, but my children just aren't enough of an accomplishment for me. Anyone can have good kids, you have to be "special" to be respected and successful in your career. That kind of approval just doesn't come with being a SAHM. And learning to adjust to that loss of approval is difficult not just on the person, but the marriage. The loss of a paycheck can also be difficult to adjust to. A paycheck is a visible representation of what you're contributing to your the family. What you do as a SAHM is more transparent and more difficult to assign worth to.
Which brings me to the most dangerous part of being a SAHM; losing your spouse, either by death or divorce. If something happens to my husband, I have NO money coming in. That's a scary thought. The idea of having to look for a job, while grieving the death of my husband, is quite frightening. Divorce is a whole other issue altogether. Divorce can be financially bankrupting. And to add salt to the wound, it could be staying home that begins the unraveling of your marriage! Many women interviewed talked about hardships in their marriage because they chose to stay home. It's not easy. You change, your husband changes, the dynamic of your family changes and that can be difficult to adjust to. Arguments over who's cleaning the house, or who's job is more important or a loss of interest in your partner can all be very damaging to a marriage.
Motherhood is a 24/7 job regardless of whether you stay home or not. But being a SAHM means you feel like you never get a break. Convincing your husband that a 3 day vacation to Disney Land with your children is not really a vacation, can be difficult. He doesn't get as much time with the kids, so to him, vacation is family time and that's a break from his job. For the SAHM, it's just another day on duty, only it's made more difficult by the change of location and tired, sugar-pumped children.
The change in employment can make a woman feel boring, and, in fact, your husband may become uninterested in you. He married a "career" woman with interests and job problems and drama to talk about over dinner. Once you stay home, a lot of your conversations revolve around the kids or him and that can really reek havoc on some one's self-esteem; leading to more problems in the marriage. The whole thing is a viscous cycle.
Basically, what it comes down to, is that both individuals need to agree on the SAHM job description and everyone needs to keep talking. It takes a very strong man to have a SAHM for a wife. As independent as we can be, we also need emotional maintenance. It's not easy setting aside your hopes, dreams and basic needs to give your all to everyone else. One husband said, "What could I have been in 12 years of self-discovery?" and that's the wrong idea entirely. I'm not on a journey of self-discovery. I have put aside just about everything that made me, me so I could focus on everyone else in my family. I'm helping my kids and husband on their journey of self-discovery while I put mine on hold. I know I shouldn't be doing that and I try to keep activities in my life that make me something more than a mom, but frankly, I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.
There is inherent risk in being a SAHM. You are putting your entire financial well-being in the hands of one individual. That is a lot of stress for both members involved and can be the source of a lot of "debate" within a marriage. There is also the emotional consequences of being a SAHM. Self-worth is something many moms struggle with leading to low self-esteem and depression. There is the danger that when you decide you want to return to work, there may be nothing available and the job may no longer exist.
Some of the women interviewed in the New York Times article had difficulties going back to work in media type jobs. The jobs just didn't exist anymore or no one was hiring. It's difficult to leave a career for 10 years without it changing drastically; making a person unqualified for many high level positions. Most ladies who returned to work, did so at lower levels than they left, for a lot less money. They essentially 'began again'. I don't believe there is anything a person can do to really combat this. The world changes a lot in ten years and so do professions. Even maintaining certifications and licenses would be helpful, but probably not enough.
The emotional toll of being a SAHM can be very heavy. I still struggle with self-worth and trying to feel accomplished. Being a SAHM is great and rewarding, but for me, it's still not the same as running the research in a lab. It's terrible to say, but my children just aren't enough of an accomplishment for me. Anyone can have good kids, you have to be "special" to be respected and successful in your career. That kind of approval just doesn't come with being a SAHM. And learning to adjust to that loss of approval is difficult not just on the person, but the marriage. The loss of a paycheck can also be difficult to adjust to. A paycheck is a visible representation of what you're contributing to your the family. What you do as a SAHM is more transparent and more difficult to assign worth to.
Which brings me to the most dangerous part of being a SAHM; losing your spouse, either by death or divorce. If something happens to my husband, I have NO money coming in. That's a scary thought. The idea of having to look for a job, while grieving the death of my husband, is quite frightening. Divorce is a whole other issue altogether. Divorce can be financially bankrupting. And to add salt to the wound, it could be staying home that begins the unraveling of your marriage! Many women interviewed talked about hardships in their marriage because they chose to stay home. It's not easy. You change, your husband changes, the dynamic of your family changes and that can be difficult to adjust to. Arguments over who's cleaning the house, or who's job is more important or a loss of interest in your partner can all be very damaging to a marriage.
Motherhood is a 24/7 job regardless of whether you stay home or not. But being a SAHM means you feel like you never get a break. Convincing your husband that a 3 day vacation to Disney Land with your children is not really a vacation, can be difficult. He doesn't get as much time with the kids, so to him, vacation is family time and that's a break from his job. For the SAHM, it's just another day on duty, only it's made more difficult by the change of location and tired, sugar-pumped children.
The change in employment can make a woman feel boring, and, in fact, your husband may become uninterested in you. He married a "career" woman with interests and job problems and drama to talk about over dinner. Once you stay home, a lot of your conversations revolve around the kids or him and that can really reek havoc on some one's self-esteem; leading to more problems in the marriage. The whole thing is a viscous cycle.
Basically, what it comes down to, is that both individuals need to agree on the SAHM job description and everyone needs to keep talking. It takes a very strong man to have a SAHM for a wife. As independent as we can be, we also need emotional maintenance. It's not easy setting aside your hopes, dreams and basic needs to give your all to everyone else. One husband said, "What could I have been in 12 years of self-discovery?" and that's the wrong idea entirely. I'm not on a journey of self-discovery. I have put aside just about everything that made me, me so I could focus on everyone else in my family. I'm helping my kids and husband on their journey of self-discovery while I put mine on hold. I know I shouldn't be doing that and I try to keep activities in my life that make me something more than a mom, but frankly, I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
I Am Not in Control
I have rediscovered my control issues. I've always known I have something of a need to have things my way, but that has become more apparent in the last few weeks and has entered a realm I hoped it would not; motherhood. My husband has been traveling more than usual so I have become far more responsible for our children's schooling and activities.
Our oldest has always been a good student, in that she loves to learn and has always tried to do well. This year, she has been struggling more with math and has given up trying. That drives me C-R-A-Z-Y! We've been working through her struggles and I thought we were making progress. Then she came home on Friday with three papers/tests where she missed at least half of the questions!
My son has had behavior issues lately. Nothing serious; normal 4 year old stuff, but it's frustrating and requires incredible vigilance to stop the behavior. It's constant time outs and screaming that my punishments are unfair.
And the baby has been going through some strange screaming phase where she just can't help but scream for 3 hours every morning and indiscriminately at other times of the day. Nothing I do can make her happy. She's not hungry, not tired, not thirsty, doesn't want to play, be read to or even watch TV. She just wants to scream.
All of this combined is making me nuts. After five days alone, it all snowballed and I was visibly shaking I was so stressed. I got away to my hiding place (the bathroom) for a few moments, took a deep breath and finally figured out my problem. I felt like a failure. Worse than that, it was my lack of control that led to the failure. My children's behavior was all my fault. My husband is a great father and when he's home they don't behave that way, so the obvious conclusion was that I am not a good mom. I was failing my kids.
Two days later I was still trying to cope. I finally remembered that I should pray about it. I prayed for God to take away my control issues and to help me feel like less of a failing parent. As I prayed I could literally feel the heaviness trickling away. It was awesome. I realized that I was doing everything I could, but I was not in control. Ultimately, God is in control and he could work miracles. I needed to learn to let go. In fact, it was probably my stubborn need to be in control that was causing some of the problems.
We picked up lunch on the way home from church and were planning to go have a 'family fun day' picking pumpkins. Lunch was a little stressful. The kids were poking on each other, the baby was screaming and it was a mess. I ended up looking down at my plate, dipping french fries in ketchup, shoveling them into my mouth while I continued a mantra of, "I am not in control. I am not in control."
Long story short, the outing was a marvelous success. We had a great time. I am still working on letting go. The less control I try to have over everything, the better things are.
Our oldest has always been a good student, in that she loves to learn and has always tried to do well. This year, she has been struggling more with math and has given up trying. That drives me C-R-A-Z-Y! We've been working through her struggles and I thought we were making progress. Then she came home on Friday with three papers/tests where she missed at least half of the questions!
My son has had behavior issues lately. Nothing serious; normal 4 year old stuff, but it's frustrating and requires incredible vigilance to stop the behavior. It's constant time outs and screaming that my punishments are unfair.
And the baby has been going through some strange screaming phase where she just can't help but scream for 3 hours every morning and indiscriminately at other times of the day. Nothing I do can make her happy. She's not hungry, not tired, not thirsty, doesn't want to play, be read to or even watch TV. She just wants to scream.
All of this combined is making me nuts. After five days alone, it all snowballed and I was visibly shaking I was so stressed. I got away to my hiding place (the bathroom) for a few moments, took a deep breath and finally figured out my problem. I felt like a failure. Worse than that, it was my lack of control that led to the failure. My children's behavior was all my fault. My husband is a great father and when he's home they don't behave that way, so the obvious conclusion was that I am not a good mom. I was failing my kids.
Two days later I was still trying to cope. I finally remembered that I should pray about it. I prayed for God to take away my control issues and to help me feel like less of a failing parent. As I prayed I could literally feel the heaviness trickling away. It was awesome. I realized that I was doing everything I could, but I was not in control. Ultimately, God is in control and he could work miracles. I needed to learn to let go. In fact, it was probably my stubborn need to be in control that was causing some of the problems.
We picked up lunch on the way home from church and were planning to go have a 'family fun day' picking pumpkins. Lunch was a little stressful. The kids were poking on each other, the baby was screaming and it was a mess. I ended up looking down at my plate, dipping french fries in ketchup, shoveling them into my mouth while I continued a mantra of, "I am not in control. I am not in control."
Long story short, the outing was a marvelous success. We had a great time. I am still working on letting go. The less control I try to have over everything, the better things are.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Part 3: Socioeconomic Status
Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times. Part 3: Socioeconomic Status
Most of the women interviewed for "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In" appear to be part of families in upper-middle to upper income families. I wish the authors of the article had interviewed some middle-income women. Most were still able to put their kids in fancy New York private schools after they quit working. Those women were easily able to find jobs when they were ready to go back to work because they were able to network within those circles.
I do not fall into that category. Neither do most of the SAHMs that I know. I want to know how women in the middle to lower-middle class feel after 10 years of being a SAHM. Is/Was it difficult for them to get back into the workplace? Do they even want to? Many of the SAHMs I know stay home because what they could earn wouldn't cover the child care costs. Some have chosen to stay home because they feel it's the right thing to do and are willing to suffer the financial difficulties. We were lucky enough that my husband's salary was able to keep us at a similar life style, but giving up that "extra" income was not easy.
I stayed home with our oldest when she was 6 months old until she was a year old and it was BO-RING! We had just moved to a new state. We had no friends, no family and NO money. I didn't go to work because I couldn't find anything. Eventually I ended up working odd shifts at Kmart to make ends meet. It was awful. I want to know how women like that feel after ten years of staying home. The women interviewed for the article went back to work because they were bored. After their children got old enough to not need constant supervision and their homes were completely remodeled, they needed something else to do.
I want to know what women who opted out of working to stay home, regardless of financial hardship, feel after ten years. The article does mention talking to some women in this category, but just said they "often struggled greatly" to get back in the work force. That's important to know, but were they happy? Many of the wealthy women were not happy or satisfied with their lives.
Those who did go back to work stated they needed more money to save for their children's college education. Now, I am a firm believer that everyone should get either college educated or get some other technical degree after high school, but I don't think I'm responsible for paying for my children's post high school education. I hope we're in a position to help, but I think my kids will appreciate it more, if they are responsible for getting it themselves. The way our economy is right now, we should be more concerned with our retirement. My husband and I worked hard for our degrees and we're very proud of that. We may not have gone to Ivy league schools, but our education was still top notch and didn't send our parents or us into a whirlwind of debt.
Luckily most women, regardless of socioeconomic status, agreed that they did not regret their time as SAHMs. That does give me hope.
Most of the women interviewed for "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In" appear to be part of families in upper-middle to upper income families. I wish the authors of the article had interviewed some middle-income women. Most were still able to put their kids in fancy New York private schools after they quit working. Those women were easily able to find jobs when they were ready to go back to work because they were able to network within those circles.
I do not fall into that category. Neither do most of the SAHMs that I know. I want to know how women in the middle to lower-middle class feel after 10 years of being a SAHM. Is/Was it difficult for them to get back into the workplace? Do they even want to? Many of the SAHMs I know stay home because what they could earn wouldn't cover the child care costs. Some have chosen to stay home because they feel it's the right thing to do and are willing to suffer the financial difficulties. We were lucky enough that my husband's salary was able to keep us at a similar life style, but giving up that "extra" income was not easy.
I stayed home with our oldest when she was 6 months old until she was a year old and it was BO-RING! We had just moved to a new state. We had no friends, no family and NO money. I didn't go to work because I couldn't find anything. Eventually I ended up working odd shifts at Kmart to make ends meet. It was awful. I want to know how women like that feel after ten years of staying home. The women interviewed for the article went back to work because they were bored. After their children got old enough to not need constant supervision and their homes were completely remodeled, they needed something else to do.
I want to know what women who opted out of working to stay home, regardless of financial hardship, feel after ten years. The article does mention talking to some women in this category, but just said they "often struggled greatly" to get back in the work force. That's important to know, but were they happy? Many of the wealthy women were not happy or satisfied with their lives.
Those who did go back to work stated they needed more money to save for their children's college education. Now, I am a firm believer that everyone should get either college educated or get some other technical degree after high school, but I don't think I'm responsible for paying for my children's post high school education. I hope we're in a position to help, but I think my kids will appreciate it more, if they are responsible for getting it themselves. The way our economy is right now, we should be more concerned with our retirement. My husband and I worked hard for our degrees and we're very proud of that. We may not have gone to Ivy league schools, but our education was still top notch and didn't send our parents or us into a whirlwind of debt.
Luckily most women, regardless of socioeconomic status, agreed that they did not regret their time as SAHMs. That does give me hope.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Treating Them Differently
I always knew it was common for people to treat their second child differently than their first. It makes sense. You have more experience and less time. I didn't realize just how differently we've treated our kids until a recent trip to the beach. Our family loves the beach. My kids are total beach bums. They would spend all day every day at the beach if we would let them. All of our kids first saw the ocean when they were about 18 months old, and all three practically jumped in. They loved the waves crashing into them even when the water splashed in their face.
When she was three, my oldest got to spend about 3 days at the beach and it was difficult to get her to leave. She loved to go in the water and we made sure one of us was with her every second. The first time my son went he was far more interested in playing in a dirt hole than anything else and we let our oldest hang out in the water by herself as long as the water didn't get above her ankles.
During our most recent trip we let our oldest and our 4 year old son just go in the water. At one point the waves were going over their heads and while we were near them, we weren't close enough to grab them up should they get pulled under! And the baby was allowed to sit in the water without us holding onto her. We were next to her the whole time just not on top of her.
It's crazy how the baby is getting an almost completely different upbringing. The important stuff has stayed the same. We expect her to say please and thank you and to be nice, but she gets to eat way more junk food than the other two did and is allowed to get a lot dirtier. We also expect more from her. I was laughing at my husband the other day because he was talking to her like she was a 10 year old; explaining why he expected her to behave a certain way and giving her detailed instructions on how to throw her lunch trash away. That's right, our 17 month old can throw her lunch trash away.
It's funny to think back at how stringent we were about food and toys and TV. Our oldest didn't even get a french fry until she was 3 and almost never watched TV. The baby loves it. We never had anything against french fries. We didn't want them to be the only thing she would eat, so we put off letting her try one. We have since learned that we control what our kids eat, not them and letting them have a few french fries every now and again is not going to stop them from eating green beans.
As far as the TV goes, we still don't let the kids watch too much TV. They probably watch more than they should, but we have three kids. Sometimes the only way I can get dinner made in less than 2 hours is to turn it on. I don't feel bad about that. 50 years ago, if you needed the kids to leave you alone, you'd just send them outside. That's not really something we feel comfortable doing now. We are still very picky about what the kids watch especially if the baby is watching. Some things have to change as our family changes. They important things like love don't change.
When she was three, my oldest got to spend about 3 days at the beach and it was difficult to get her to leave. She loved to go in the water and we made sure one of us was with her every second. The first time my son went he was far more interested in playing in a dirt hole than anything else and we let our oldest hang out in the water by herself as long as the water didn't get above her ankles.
During our most recent trip we let our oldest and our 4 year old son just go in the water. At one point the waves were going over their heads and while we were near them, we weren't close enough to grab them up should they get pulled under! And the baby was allowed to sit in the water without us holding onto her. We were next to her the whole time just not on top of her.
It's crazy how the baby is getting an almost completely different upbringing. The important stuff has stayed the same. We expect her to say please and thank you and to be nice, but she gets to eat way more junk food than the other two did and is allowed to get a lot dirtier. We also expect more from her. I was laughing at my husband the other day because he was talking to her like she was a 10 year old; explaining why he expected her to behave a certain way and giving her detailed instructions on how to throw her lunch trash away. That's right, our 17 month old can throw her lunch trash away.
It's funny to think back at how stringent we were about food and toys and TV. Our oldest didn't even get a french fry until she was 3 and almost never watched TV. The baby loves it. We never had anything against french fries. We didn't want them to be the only thing she would eat, so we put off letting her try one. We have since learned that we control what our kids eat, not them and letting them have a few french fries every now and again is not going to stop them from eating green beans.
As far as the TV goes, we still don't let the kids watch too much TV. They probably watch more than they should, but we have three kids. Sometimes the only way I can get dinner made in less than 2 hours is to turn it on. I don't feel bad about that. 50 years ago, if you needed the kids to leave you alone, you'd just send them outside. That's not really something we feel comfortable doing now. We are still very picky about what the kids watch especially if the baby is watching. Some things have to change as our family changes. They important things like love don't change.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
More Soap Box
I am so glad I have a blog and so is my husband. When I see something on television that completely outrages me, I can write about it instead of talking his ear off. So, check out the Soap Box page. I've added to it.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Part 2: Sense of Purpose
Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times. Part 2: Sense of Purpose
I can totally relate to the women who said they were searching for a sense of purpose. When you're working out of the home, there's a sense of doing something big picture; something greater than yourself. When you're a SAHM, you're with your children, which is awesome but it can feel very self-serving. You're very focused on your own little circle and you don't think much about the world outside. It can make a person feel one-sided, underutilized and alone.
One husband who was interviewed continually mentioned that his wife was on a 10- year journey of self-discovery. I would argue that she was on more of a 10-year journey of self-redefining. Being a SAHM can suck all the uniqueness from your being. For me, I lost a large part of my identity, and almost 2 years in, I still haven't figured out who I am. Face it, when I told people I was a cancer biologist doing research at Vanderbilt University, that was awesome. Now I say, I stay home and they have know idea what I've achieved in my life. I'm "just a mom". It honestly doesn't do much for my self-esteem. I think it's sad that for me and many other mother's who were interviewed that raising our children isn't enough. We are all part of the "and" revolution. We want to be mom "and" a successful member of the work place.
Adjusting to being a SAHM can also play havoc on your marriage. Things change, rolls change and you have to start all over as a married couple. It was very difficult for me to go from a very demanding job where I was a leader to a different very demanding job where I am the leader. The difference being the former was controlled by me, the latter is a daily roller coaster ride where I have virtually no control.
The world today values money and making money. Staying home to raise a family is not viewed as a "worthy" choice. It's hard enough when you struggle internally with self-worth, but when the world and maybe even your family feels you should be doing more with your life, the struggle can turn into an all out war. The notion that we can "have it all" has morphed into we should "do it all". That's a lot of pressure for anyone. I have chosen to put my past in the past. It was something I did, that I'm proud of. But it's a life I will likely never return to. Being a SAHM has forced me to find my self-esteem in who I am and not what I do. I am not saying that staying home is not a worthy profession, but even that job will end some day. The kids WILL move out eventually and I'll have to start over again. Ugh.
I can totally relate to the women who said they were searching for a sense of purpose. When you're working out of the home, there's a sense of doing something big picture; something greater than yourself. When you're a SAHM, you're with your children, which is awesome but it can feel very self-serving. You're very focused on your own little circle and you don't think much about the world outside. It can make a person feel one-sided, underutilized and alone.
One husband who was interviewed continually mentioned that his wife was on a 10- year journey of self-discovery. I would argue that she was on more of a 10-year journey of self-redefining. Being a SAHM can suck all the uniqueness from your being. For me, I lost a large part of my identity, and almost 2 years in, I still haven't figured out who I am. Face it, when I told people I was a cancer biologist doing research at Vanderbilt University, that was awesome. Now I say, I stay home and they have know idea what I've achieved in my life. I'm "just a mom". It honestly doesn't do much for my self-esteem. I think it's sad that for me and many other mother's who were interviewed that raising our children isn't enough. We are all part of the "and" revolution. We want to be mom "and" a successful member of the work place.
Adjusting to being a SAHM can also play havoc on your marriage. Things change, rolls change and you have to start all over as a married couple. It was very difficult for me to go from a very demanding job where I was a leader to a different very demanding job where I am the leader. The difference being the former was controlled by me, the latter is a daily roller coaster ride where I have virtually no control.
The world today values money and making money. Staying home to raise a family is not viewed as a "worthy" choice. It's hard enough when you struggle internally with self-worth, but when the world and maybe even your family feels you should be doing more with your life, the struggle can turn into an all out war. The notion that we can "have it all" has morphed into we should "do it all". That's a lot of pressure for anyone. I have chosen to put my past in the past. It was something I did, that I'm proud of. But it's a life I will likely never return to. Being a SAHM has forced me to find my self-esteem in who I am and not what I do. I am not saying that staying home is not a worthy profession, but even that job will end some day. The kids WILL move out eventually and I'll have to start over again. Ugh.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Husband's Got Me Freaking Out!
Response to "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times
Part 1: Marital issues
So my husband means well and likes to send me newspaper articles that he thinks I'll be interested in. He sent me this little gem most recently; "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times. I'm not sure if he read it, but if he did, he and I have two very different take-aways. He thought it was a good article about women who left the work place to stay home and then after 10 years or so opted to go back to work. Harmless enough. Unfortunately just about all the women they interviewed went back to work to save their marriages or to "get back" something they'd lost. Most were still unhappy even back to work. Some felt guilty about leaving their kids, others believed they were much happier now that they had a purpose, even if it meant less time with the kids and even less time with their husbands.
Some of the women wanted to stay home to help their families and their marriages. Unfortunately it seemed staying home didn't solve any marital problems, and often created more. One mom in particular had a hard time going from corporate big shot to toilet scrubber. I know how she feels. I hate that a big part of my job is cleaning the house. The kids help out and my husband is great about doing dishes after meals, but I do feel like the rest of the house is primarily my responsibility. I have a PhD for crying out loud and my job is to clean up four other peoples' nastiness! The problem was that her husband expected the house to be perfect. If you don't like to clean that can really make daily life excruciating!!! It's hard enough staying home when you don't find Barbies and pirates entertaining activities, but when the rest of your time is spent scrubbing; it's really not fun.
Money came up often in the article. The women they interviewed gave up six figured salaries to stay home. That's a big cut in pay to get used to. One husband was distressed that his wife was spending a lot of her time offering her corporate skills to volunteer organizations. He figured if she was going to work that hard and he was still going to have to do a lot of work with the house and kids, she should at least get paid. It was as if, there was a feeling of, "if she's going to do something outside the house, she'd better get a pay check". I thought it was quite wonderful that she was able to help out some good charities.
Although I can understand the husband's point of view. I know that as a SAHM, I struggle with what my job description really is. Am I just a mom or am I also the cook, chauffeur, maid, accountant and personal shopper? When does my day end? Do I get vacation or should I just be glad I can stay home? It's very difficult to define those lines and even more difficult for both husband and wife to agree on those lines. My husband knows I'm busy all day, and he's great about giving me breaks, but we have had some "warm" discussions about this very topic; usually on a day when I'm about to lose my mind.
The bottom line seemed to be that if the couples were already having marital problems, staying home didn't fix them. Communication with the spouse allowed couples to stay together and work out compromises. Money and job description seemed to create the most tension. It's very important before you decide to stay home, for both you and your husband to agree on what your new responsibilities will be and how you will handle adjusting to a new income. If these areas are already a problem you can still work things out. My husband and I have been on an "adjust as we go" plan and as long as we're kind to one another, we can always work it out. Being a SAHM is a stressful, FULL-TIME job. The better you communicate, the better off both of you will be.
Stay tuned for more commentary on this article. It certainly got me thinking!
Part 2: Sense of Purpose
Part 3: Socioeconomic Status
Part 4: Dangers of being a SAHM
Part 1: Marital issues
So my husband means well and likes to send me newspaper articles that he thinks I'll be interested in. He sent me this little gem most recently; "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times. I'm not sure if he read it, but if he did, he and I have two very different take-aways. He thought it was a good article about women who left the work place to stay home and then after 10 years or so opted to go back to work. Harmless enough. Unfortunately just about all the women they interviewed went back to work to save their marriages or to "get back" something they'd lost. Most were still unhappy even back to work. Some felt guilty about leaving their kids, others believed they were much happier now that they had a purpose, even if it meant less time with the kids and even less time with their husbands.
Some of the women wanted to stay home to help their families and their marriages. Unfortunately it seemed staying home didn't solve any marital problems, and often created more. One mom in particular had a hard time going from corporate big shot to toilet scrubber. I know how she feels. I hate that a big part of my job is cleaning the house. The kids help out and my husband is great about doing dishes after meals, but I do feel like the rest of the house is primarily my responsibility. I have a PhD for crying out loud and my job is to clean up four other peoples' nastiness! The problem was that her husband expected the house to be perfect. If you don't like to clean that can really make daily life excruciating!!! It's hard enough staying home when you don't find Barbies and pirates entertaining activities, but when the rest of your time is spent scrubbing; it's really not fun.
Money came up often in the article. The women they interviewed gave up six figured salaries to stay home. That's a big cut in pay to get used to. One husband was distressed that his wife was spending a lot of her time offering her corporate skills to volunteer organizations. He figured if she was going to work that hard and he was still going to have to do a lot of work with the house and kids, she should at least get paid. It was as if, there was a feeling of, "if she's going to do something outside the house, she'd better get a pay check". I thought it was quite wonderful that she was able to help out some good charities.
Although I can understand the husband's point of view. I know that as a SAHM, I struggle with what my job description really is. Am I just a mom or am I also the cook, chauffeur, maid, accountant and personal shopper? When does my day end? Do I get vacation or should I just be glad I can stay home? It's very difficult to define those lines and even more difficult for both husband and wife to agree on those lines. My husband knows I'm busy all day, and he's great about giving me breaks, but we have had some "warm" discussions about this very topic; usually on a day when I'm about to lose my mind.
The bottom line seemed to be that if the couples were already having marital problems, staying home didn't fix them. Communication with the spouse allowed couples to stay together and work out compromises. Money and job description seemed to create the most tension. It's very important before you decide to stay home, for both you and your husband to agree on what your new responsibilities will be and how you will handle adjusting to a new income. If these areas are already a problem you can still work things out. My husband and I have been on an "adjust as we go" plan and as long as we're kind to one another, we can always work it out. Being a SAHM is a stressful, FULL-TIME job. The better you communicate, the better off both of you will be.
Stay tuned for more commentary on this article. It certainly got me thinking!
Part 2: Sense of Purpose
Part 3: Socioeconomic Status
Part 4: Dangers of being a SAHM
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Moms Judging Moms
I think my husband and I do a great job with our kids. So why do I worry so much about what other parent's think? My own parents question what we do all the time. I think mostly because it's a lot different than their style. For the most part, my children are well behaved and considerate of other people. I consider that a success to this point in their lives. I tend to use a wait and see method. If I watch my kids get in an altercation with other kids, I stop and watch from a distance to see how they handle things. I figure they'll never learn how to take care of it themselves if I always interfere. Unfortunately, there's often a different parent who tries to intervene instead of just letting them deal with it on their own. I don't let them go to fisticuffs or anything, but they need to learn how to handle disagreements on their own.
I also don't run every time my kids get hurt. I run if I hear "the scream". Most moms know about "the scream". It's the sound your child makes when they are legitimately hurt or scared. Otherwise, I sit back and see what happens. I feel this is the area where I get the most, "Your child will grow up to be an evil dictator" stares. For example, my daughter was at her horse back riding lesson the other day and I saw the pony was getting out of control. He was going faster than she was used to and I could see she was scared. Her trainer was trying to help her, but she did eventually fall off the horse. It wasn't a bad fall; it was only about 4 feet and she landed on her booty mostly. I was standing to see how she was and her trainer and assistant ran out to make sure she was OK.
I could tell she wasn't seriously hurt, so I just watched as she got up. She wasn't even crying; just scared. They got her back on the horse and she finished her lesson. She was a little sore the next day, but didn't even get a bruise. There was a mom next to me watching the whole thing and I couldn't help but wonder what she thought of me. A lot of moms I know would have run out there, grabbed up their kid and left the arena. There's nothing wrong with that, I just feel that making my kids tough it out will make them more resilient in life. Don't get me wrong, I gave my daughter lots of hugs and kisses after her lesson and told her how proud I was that she got right back on. Falling off a horse is the perfect metaphor for life. You fall off;you get back on. Sometimes people are there to help you, sometimes not. She knew I was there if she really needed me, but she didn't.
She learned a great lesson that day. And so did I.
We all do it. Whenever we're out, but especially with out children, we judge other mom's parenting styles. Sometimes we look on and think, "That mom's out of her mind and her children will grow up to be serial killers." Other times we look and think, "Why can't I get my kids to behave that way!?" The truth is, no matter what we do, our kids will most likely turn out fine. As long as they don't end up in jail, are any of us really going to be upset? We might be disappointed if they don't meet our standards for greatness, but if they have a job and can support themselves, I'd say that makes you a successful parent.
I also don't run every time my kids get hurt. I run if I hear "the scream". Most moms know about "the scream". It's the sound your child makes when they are legitimately hurt or scared. Otherwise, I sit back and see what happens. I feel this is the area where I get the most, "Your child will grow up to be an evil dictator" stares. For example, my daughter was at her horse back riding lesson the other day and I saw the pony was getting out of control. He was going faster than she was used to and I could see she was scared. Her trainer was trying to help her, but she did eventually fall off the horse. It wasn't a bad fall; it was only about 4 feet and she landed on her booty mostly. I was standing to see how she was and her trainer and assistant ran out to make sure she was OK.
I could tell she wasn't seriously hurt, so I just watched as she got up. She wasn't even crying; just scared. They got her back on the horse and she finished her lesson. She was a little sore the next day, but didn't even get a bruise. There was a mom next to me watching the whole thing and I couldn't help but wonder what she thought of me. A lot of moms I know would have run out there, grabbed up their kid and left the arena. There's nothing wrong with that, I just feel that making my kids tough it out will make them more resilient in life. Don't get me wrong, I gave my daughter lots of hugs and kisses after her lesson and told her how proud I was that she got right back on. Falling off a horse is the perfect metaphor for life. You fall off;you get back on. Sometimes people are there to help you, sometimes not. She knew I was there if she really needed me, but she didn't.
She learned a great lesson that day. And so did I.
We all do it. Whenever we're out, but especially with out children, we judge other mom's parenting styles. Sometimes we look on and think, "That mom's out of her mind and her children will grow up to be serial killers." Other times we look and think, "Why can't I get my kids to behave that way!?" The truth is, no matter what we do, our kids will most likely turn out fine. As long as they don't end up in jail, are any of us really going to be upset? We might be disappointed if they don't meet our standards for greatness, but if they have a job and can support themselves, I'd say that makes you a successful parent.
Friday, September 6, 2013
A New Way of Thinking
I have been a SAHM for almost 19 months now and I am definitely getting used to it. It's nice. My days are open to take care of all the errands, so our evenings are free for us to hang out as a family. I've enjoyed getting reacquainted with my kids and getting my house back in order. I really thought I was comfortable being a SAHM and everything that goes with that, and then my son started preschool. My husband usually drops him off in the morning, but when he's out of town I do. I show up at the same time as all the other parents, only they are dressed in suits, scrubs, skirts with heels and I'm usually in my workout shorts and top ready to take the dog and baby for a walk after my son is dropped off.
The first day I didn't think much of it. Maybe they would think it's my day off and I'm hitting the gym. By the third day I thought, "These people are going to know I stay at home!" Like it was something to be ashamed of! I couldn't believe my own mind. Then I thought, "They think I'm just a SAHM that can't handle her kids, so I drop them off at daycare while I go work out so I can eat bonbons the rest of the day." Seriously, these were my thoughts. I felt judged, but the only person judging me was myself.
Yes, I was going to get some exercise, but not so I could eat bonbons. So I could spend part of my day doing something active that did not involve a broom or rag or chasing a kiddo. I can absolutely take care of my children without sending them to daycare, but our son is old enough for preschool and we want him to be prepared for kindergarten next year. It doesn't make me a bad SAHM because he goes to preschool!
I have been having this internal dialogue with myself for a few weeks now and I have come to the conclusion that I am terrible. Everything I was thinking is what I, at one time, had thought about a woman I saw dropping her kids off for preschool in work out clothes, or able to run errands during the day, or going to lunch with friends. And the truth is, I was just jealous; jealous and clueless! Sometimes a mom is wearing work out clothes to drop her kids off because even though she's been up for 3 hours she hasn't had time to shower, so instead of wearing PJs to drop off her kids, she's done the more sensible thing and put on something more decent. And yes, there is time to take walks and go to lunch with friends, but those things are necessary to have adult conversations. Sometimes the other people walking on the trail are the only adults I'll see ALL DAY LONG! Lunches with friends are nice because a person can only eat so much PB&J. After preparing 3 meals a day, day in and day out, it's nice to have some one else have to worry about all that.
It's amazing, 19 months in and I'm still judging myself. I guess I'm just jealous.
The first day I didn't think much of it. Maybe they would think it's my day off and I'm hitting the gym. By the third day I thought, "These people are going to know I stay at home!" Like it was something to be ashamed of! I couldn't believe my own mind. Then I thought, "They think I'm just a SAHM that can't handle her kids, so I drop them off at daycare while I go work out so I can eat bonbons the rest of the day." Seriously, these were my thoughts. I felt judged, but the only person judging me was myself.
Yes, I was going to get some exercise, but not so I could eat bonbons. So I could spend part of my day doing something active that did not involve a broom or rag or chasing a kiddo. I can absolutely take care of my children without sending them to daycare, but our son is old enough for preschool and we want him to be prepared for kindergarten next year. It doesn't make me a bad SAHM because he goes to preschool!
I have been having this internal dialogue with myself for a few weeks now and I have come to the conclusion that I am terrible. Everything I was thinking is what I, at one time, had thought about a woman I saw dropping her kids off for preschool in work out clothes, or able to run errands during the day, or going to lunch with friends. And the truth is, I was just jealous; jealous and clueless! Sometimes a mom is wearing work out clothes to drop her kids off because even though she's been up for 3 hours she hasn't had time to shower, so instead of wearing PJs to drop off her kids, she's done the more sensible thing and put on something more decent. And yes, there is time to take walks and go to lunch with friends, but those things are necessary to have adult conversations. Sometimes the other people walking on the trail are the only adults I'll see ALL DAY LONG! Lunches with friends are nice because a person can only eat so much PB&J. After preparing 3 meals a day, day in and day out, it's nice to have some one else have to worry about all that.
It's amazing, 19 months in and I'm still judging myself. I guess I'm just jealous.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
What I've learned this week
I've learned a lot this week. I've learned how to get silly putty out of long, thick hair after a night of it being smashed and mangled into much of my daughter's hair (baby oil, by the way). Her hair looked like dreads... no joke.
I've learned that silly putty does not easily come out of sheets and stuffed animals. Baby oil works, but it takes a little more elbow grease.
I've learned that the baby will scream just to scream and all I can do is love on her.
I've learned that I don't like cleaning up clumps (we're talking 3 inch diameter and 1/2 inch thick clumps) of dried poop. I knew that already, but somehow experiencing it really solidifies my dislike.
I've learned that the dog will vomit if she's outside for too long. Although, she will generously vomit on hard floors for easy clean up.
I've learned that no matter how many activities you take your children to, no matter how late you keep them up, your children will get up at 6AM; earlier if you're sick.
I've learned that, while they don't stop screaming, if you move to the other side of the house it's not as loud.
I've learned that if you ask your kids to take it easy on you for a day so you can finally get over a cold that is making you miserable, they will be utterly wonderful and fantastic and give a fabulously, calm, easy-going day.
I've learned that it will take two days to clean up what they did during that calm and relaxing day.
And I've learned that my children save up all their crazy for when their father is out of town.
On a side note, it made me very nervous to watch something that is supposed to be used to keep a baby's skin smooth, literally eat away at silly putty. Disturbing.
I've learned that silly putty does not easily come out of sheets and stuffed animals. Baby oil works, but it takes a little more elbow grease.
I've learned that the baby will scream just to scream and all I can do is love on her.
I've learned that I don't like cleaning up clumps (we're talking 3 inch diameter and 1/2 inch thick clumps) of dried poop. I knew that already, but somehow experiencing it really solidifies my dislike.
I've learned that the dog will vomit if she's outside for too long. Although, she will generously vomit on hard floors for easy clean up.
I've learned that no matter how many activities you take your children to, no matter how late you keep them up, your children will get up at 6AM; earlier if you're sick.
I've learned that, while they don't stop screaming, if you move to the other side of the house it's not as loud.
I've learned that if you ask your kids to take it easy on you for a day so you can finally get over a cold that is making you miserable, they will be utterly wonderful and fantastic and give a fabulously, calm, easy-going day.
I've learned that it will take two days to clean up what they did during that calm and relaxing day.
And I've learned that my children save up all their crazy for when their father is out of town.
On a side note, it made me very nervous to watch something that is supposed to be used to keep a baby's skin smooth, literally eat away at silly putty. Disturbing.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Kids Don't Lie
My boy: Can you sing me a song Mommy?
Me: I can't buddy. I'm sick. It hurts my throat.
My boy: Can you read me a story?
Me: I can't read you a story tonight buddy. If I talk too much it makes my voice hurt.
My boy: But Mommy, you talk too much everyday.
What do you say to that? Nothing. I chuckled, kissed him on the cheek and left the room.
There's nothing like a totally honest comment from one of your children to make you rethink your habits. I probably do talk too much; especially when my husband is out of town. Sometimes you just need some one to talk to; even if it's a 4 year old. Not that I say anything inappropriate. I just talk to talk. I guess I should back off a little.
Me: I can't buddy. I'm sick. It hurts my throat.
My boy: Can you read me a story?
Me: I can't read you a story tonight buddy. If I talk too much it makes my voice hurt.
My boy: But Mommy, you talk too much everyday.
What do you say to that? Nothing. I chuckled, kissed him on the cheek and left the room.
There's nothing like a totally honest comment from one of your children to make you rethink your habits. I probably do talk too much; especially when my husband is out of town. Sometimes you just need some one to talk to; even if it's a 4 year old. Not that I say anything inappropriate. I just talk to talk. I guess I should back off a little.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Productivity
We are entering the third week of school and I am finally getting things done around the house; which is one of the biggest perks of being a SAHM. The house isn't just straightened up, it's clean! And I don't mean vacuumed and dusted; I mean scrubbed! Books have been arranged, cobwebs vacuumed up, clothes that are too small are put away. I even washed the outside of the refrigerator and reorganized the freezer. I miss my kids, but it is super nice to be able to finally get some of those things done.
The baby likes to help me too. She follows me around and we talk and play as I scrub and organize. The other upside to the kids being in school is that the house actually stays clean for longer than 30 minutes. My son and I cleaned his room on Friday and nearly three days later we can still see the floor. It's amazing what they can't accomplish is they're not in the house.
My husband even notices. He said, "Wow, you've really been able to organize." For me, organizing is about the best fun I can have. Weird, I know, but that's who I am. Next is scrubbing the kitchen cabinets and finally getting the baby's scrap book going. Yee haw! I can feel the thrill of labels and checking off my 'To Do' list.
The baby likes to help me too. She follows me around and we talk and play as I scrub and organize. The other upside to the kids being in school is that the house actually stays clean for longer than 30 minutes. My son and I cleaned his room on Friday and nearly three days later we can still see the floor. It's amazing what they can't accomplish is they're not in the house.
My husband even notices. He said, "Wow, you've really been able to organize." For me, organizing is about the best fun I can have. Weird, I know, but that's who I am. Next is scrubbing the kitchen cabinets and finally getting the baby's scrap book going. Yee haw! I can feel the thrill of labels and checking off my 'To Do' list.
Monday, August 12, 2013
He's Going Down!
My husband challenged me to a weight loss competition and I whooped him! I was having the hardest time getting any weight off until he made it a contest. I hate to lose, so I did what was necessary and I've lost 8 pounds! And while I love the weight loss the process has sucked!!!! I downloaded one of those weight loss Aps to help keep track of my calories and it decided that if I was going to lose the amount of weight I wanted I would have to keep to a 1200 calorie a day diet. What!!?? My normal is somewhere between 2500 and 3000 calories. For the last 2 months I have mostly kept to the 1200 calories. I've averaged about a pound a week which means I have about 8 more weeks to go!
In the past I've been able to maintain my weight loss even eating larger quantities. (I only gain weight when I'm pregnant.) I hope this is still true now that I'm solidly in my mid-30s and I'll be able to go back to eating semi-normally. I don't think I'll totally go back to my bad habits. I actually feel much better these days. Healthier. I eat a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables and stay away from all the sweets and limit the bread intake. You really can eat a lot of food at 1200 calories, you just have to pick the right food.
In the past I've been able to maintain my weight loss even eating larger quantities. (I only gain weight when I'm pregnant.) I hope this is still true now that I'm solidly in my mid-30s and I'll be able to go back to eating semi-normally. I don't think I'll totally go back to my bad habits. I actually feel much better these days. Healthier. I eat a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables and stay away from all the sweets and limit the bread intake. You really can eat a lot of food at 1200 calories, you just have to pick the right food.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Sound of Quiet
I didn't realize just how wonderful quiet is until school started. My daughter is out all day and my son has started pre-kindergarten. That only leaves the baby and as long as she's not hungry, she's pretty quiet. From about 8AM until 12:30PM my house is loud with quiet. It's almost deafening. My husband worked from home two days this week and he noticed it also. It's a strange feeling to suddenly have no "noise". You can actually hear other sounds, like rain, birds, the wind in the trees (my favorite) and you can even hear yourself think. A-Mazing!
It almost makes me nervous. The noise always told me the kids were alive and hadn't broken any bones. Now I have to remind myself that they aren't home and the quiet is not an indication that they're making an atom bomb.
The best part is that I can hear my baby. She gets drowned out so easily when the other two are around; except of course for when she screaches at the sound of shattering glass. She hasn't done that all week! It's been great getting to play with her uninterrupted. She has a sweet personality and loves books, music and singing. She sings all day long. I never noticed that before. I love the quiet.
It almost makes me nervous. The noise always told me the kids were alive and hadn't broken any bones. Now I have to remind myself that they aren't home and the quiet is not an indication that they're making an atom bomb.
The best part is that I can hear my baby. She gets drowned out so easily when the other two are around; except of course for when she screaches at the sound of shattering glass. She hasn't done that all week! It's been great getting to play with her uninterrupted. She has a sweet personality and loves books, music and singing. She sings all day long. I never noticed that before. I love the quiet.
Friday, August 2, 2013
The Power Struggle
I thought it would be different with the boy. When my oldest daughter was 4, we had daily battles about how far her personal boundaries would extend. I really hoped that it was primarily because she was a girl and demonstrated an early desire to be completely independent from us; I'm talking as soon as she could hold a bottle (2 months old!)! But it turns out gender is a non-issue. My incredibly adorable, charming, some-what crazy, cuddle buddy is now my biggest nemesis. He fights everything! He could be jumping up and down, legs crossed trying not to wet himself, and if I say, "Hey, buddy, go to the bathroom," his immediate response is, "No!".
I don't get it. Yes, he gets to do more now that he's older, but why does it have to be an all out brawl over whether he gets a blue bowl or a yellow bowl for his cereal. Who cares?! I don't. I'm just not willing to pour the cereal out of one bowl into another because I don't want to wash anymore dishes. I clean enough around here. If he asked before I poured the cereal I wouldn't have any troubles at all exchanging.
He has also learned to completely tune out my voice. He literally hears the first three words of any sentence and then turns off. If my sentence starts with the word 'No", he shuts down immediately. It is unbelievably frustrating. I remember when my daughter went through this and it was just non-stop time-outs and vigilant discipline for weeks at a time. It sucked! Oh well. That's part of being a parent and if I ever want my sweet little boy back we have to set boundaries now. To over-dramatize it: if we lose this battle the war will be nearly impossible to win.
I don't get it. Yes, he gets to do more now that he's older, but why does it have to be an all out brawl over whether he gets a blue bowl or a yellow bowl for his cereal. Who cares?! I don't. I'm just not willing to pour the cereal out of one bowl into another because I don't want to wash anymore dishes. I clean enough around here. If he asked before I poured the cereal I wouldn't have any troubles at all exchanging.
He has also learned to completely tune out my voice. He literally hears the first three words of any sentence and then turns off. If my sentence starts with the word 'No", he shuts down immediately. It is unbelievably frustrating. I remember when my daughter went through this and it was just non-stop time-outs and vigilant discipline for weeks at a time. It sucked! Oh well. That's part of being a parent and if I ever want my sweet little boy back we have to set boundaries now. To over-dramatize it: if we lose this battle the war will be nearly impossible to win.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Advice for Moms of Three
Listen to me all women who have had three children! (This may also be true for women with one or two) Never and I mean never jump on a trampoline. Your bladder is just not going to hold up. All that wiggling and jiggling will cause leakage to happen. Now I was lucky; I relieved myself prior to jumping, but that didn't help much. Oh well, lesson learned and hopefully you can learn from my experiences.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Daddy Hypnosis
How does he do it!? The other morning my son came into our room very early (6 AM or so) and immediately wanted me to make him breakfast. Unfortunately, I was unavailable because I needed to take the puppy out for her morning walk. If she doesn't get it, she's crazy all day. So my son says, "OK" and hops into bed with my husband. I was thinking, "Ha ha, he'll have to get up and feed the boy." I went on the walk and about an hour later went upstairs to find my husband and son both ASLEEP!!!
He must have our kids hypnotized because I know they are not trainable. First of all, my two oldest ALWAYS come to me first thing in the morning. They completely ignore my husband's side of the bed. And when I say, "Ask your dad", their reply is always, "But he's sleeping." What!!??? I guess mom's don't sleep. Second of all, if I have the nerve to ignore my children's plea to wake up, I am accosted by pokes, whispers, tickles, hugs and bouncing on my back until I get up. They don't even bother him. It's not like he's mean or anything. He's certainly nicer than me about that stuff. And yet I am the target; not him.
That's just morning time stuff. They never seem to stomp on his feet, (although there is a period of time where each child has been the perfect height to cause some "man" damage), or throw up on him, or poop in the tub when he's watching, or spill their drink in his lap. Somehow it happens to me. I have to figure out his methods.
He must have our kids hypnotized because I know they are not trainable. First of all, my two oldest ALWAYS come to me first thing in the morning. They completely ignore my husband's side of the bed. And when I say, "Ask your dad", their reply is always, "But he's sleeping." What!!??? I guess mom's don't sleep. Second of all, if I have the nerve to ignore my children's plea to wake up, I am accosted by pokes, whispers, tickles, hugs and bouncing on my back until I get up. They don't even bother him. It's not like he's mean or anything. He's certainly nicer than me about that stuff. And yet I am the target; not him.
That's just morning time stuff. They never seem to stomp on his feet, (although there is a period of time where each child has been the perfect height to cause some "man" damage), or throw up on him, or poop in the tub when he's watching, or spill their drink in his lap. Somehow it happens to me. I have to figure out his methods.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Learning to Balance
Keeping my "work" life and my "home" life separate has been quite a struggle since I became a SAHM. But thanks to my husband and our new puppy, I'm starting to find some balance. As a SAHM, my life is my home. My work is my home. So I never really get away from work and I never get away from home. The challenge, therefore, is to make a life within my work. What makes that more difficult is that I don't want my life to consist only of my children and my house.
A few weeks ago, my husband challenged me to a weight loss competition. I've had a difficult time getting the last 12 or so pounds off and he wants to lose some as well. We're both pretty tired and lack motivation, so the opportunity to "win" was just what we need. I hate to lose and more importantly, I hate to lose to my husband. So, all I can really say is it's on! My will power and self control have been reenergized and he's is going down, but I'll discuss that more later.
I know the only way to beat my husband is to have unfailing will power and to exercise. Nothing major, but certainly more than I've been getting. Fortunately, our new puppy has a lot of energy and nice long walks are just what she needs to help settler her down. An added benefit is how I feel when I'm walking the dog. It's been so hot here, that the best time to walk is super early in the morning, so I go by myself while everyone else is in bed. Getting up that early is pretty crummy, but totally worth it. I've been able to be myself away from kids. I've been able to think about things, UNINTERRUPTED for 30-60 minutes at a shot. It's quiet and peaceful and I'm starting to feel like my old self again.
It's nice to have something that is all mine. I don't have to share it and I can do, say and think pretty much whatever i want. I had no idea what I really needed was time with me and my crazy thoughts. An added bonus is that I have managed to lose some more weight and have cracked the 150 barrier!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Common Sense Gene
The Common Sense Gene, where is it? and how can I turn it on in my children and at least 50% of the adults around me? I would love if there was some kind of serum in a dart gun. Then I could get the satisfaction of hurting the moron a little bit while eliminating their moronism (I made that word up). Kids will be kids and I don't really expect them to have too much common sense, but does it really take a genius to know that you don't swing from a chandelier or jump off your bike while it's moving because it's going "too fast".
It's the adults who lack common sense that drive me the most crazy. Like letting your child who is 50-100 pounds overweight suck on a bottle of Mountain Dew all day and then claim to have no idea why their child is fat. Or stop, and I mean STOP, in the left lane of a 70 mph interstate so they don't miss an exit. That brilliant move has happened in front of me at least twice. There is nothing more stomach turning than seeing the 20 or so cars in front of you suddenly split off into 10 different directions, all for an idiot who is dumber than a gnat.
Just last night, my family and I spent nearly 40 min waiting to turn right onto the street to our house after watching the town's fireworks. That's to be expected at something like that, but what is not expected is that we couldn't turn because some one about 50 cars in front of us wanted to turn left. And while there was absolutely no traffic going right, it was impossible to turn left. The worst part is, if that person had turned right and just gone around the block, it would have taken a tenth of the time for him to get to the street he wanted on.
It was RIDICULOUS! People who wanted to turn right finally went to the left of the jack ass and turned right around him. At least 10 cars did that, which was awesome because finally the traffic was moving. But then of course other highly intelligent left turners decided they didn't want the people turning right to be able to leave before them, so they moved to the left making two left turn lanes and ZERO right turn lanes!!!! That was super RIDICULOUS! Next people resorted to driving in the grass to get around the double lane of common senseless, self-absorbed ninny heads.
After all that time we finally made it through and made it home before any of the left-turners ever made it out of the parking lot. If only I had a dart gun!
It's the adults who lack common sense that drive me the most crazy. Like letting your child who is 50-100 pounds overweight suck on a bottle of Mountain Dew all day and then claim to have no idea why their child is fat. Or stop, and I mean STOP, in the left lane of a 70 mph interstate so they don't miss an exit. That brilliant move has happened in front of me at least twice. There is nothing more stomach turning than seeing the 20 or so cars in front of you suddenly split off into 10 different directions, all for an idiot who is dumber than a gnat.
Just last night, my family and I spent nearly 40 min waiting to turn right onto the street to our house after watching the town's fireworks. That's to be expected at something like that, but what is not expected is that we couldn't turn because some one about 50 cars in front of us wanted to turn left. And while there was absolutely no traffic going right, it was impossible to turn left. The worst part is, if that person had turned right and just gone around the block, it would have taken a tenth of the time for him to get to the street he wanted on.
It was RIDICULOUS! People who wanted to turn right finally went to the left of the jack ass and turned right around him. At least 10 cars did that, which was awesome because finally the traffic was moving. But then of course other highly intelligent left turners decided they didn't want the people turning right to be able to leave before them, so they moved to the left making two left turn lanes and ZERO right turn lanes!!!! That was super RIDICULOUS! Next people resorted to driving in the grass to get around the double lane of common senseless, self-absorbed ninny heads.
After all that time we finally made it through and made it home before any of the left-turners ever made it out of the parking lot. If only I had a dart gun!
Thursday, June 27, 2013
You know you're a SAHM if....
1 - You know what a toilet auger is, and you can use it.
2 - You say things like, "No one is licking anyone's toes!" (that may be a mom thing).
3 - You have a pile of "good" sweats and "work" sweats.
4 - You NEVER pee alone
5 - A vacation is going to the grocery store by yourself
6 - You've ever sat doing nothing while the baby was screaming because your husband was home and should have to take care of it.
7 - It's not worth doing your hair in the morning.
8 - You know who Sid the Science Kid, Wild Krats, Jake, Badou, Rollie Pollie Ollie, WareHouse Mouse, Heatwave, Blades, Boulder, Chase, Cody, and Caillou are.
9 - You laugh at the morning and afternoon traffic report.
10- You don't change your baby's diaper because "it could hold more".
AND.....
11 - You have no time to do anything for yourself and even if you do manage to plan something it will be canceled because there's a meeting, or some one gets sick or the house gets enveloped by a black hole or worse.
2 - You say things like, "No one is licking anyone's toes!" (that may be a mom thing).
3 - You have a pile of "good" sweats and "work" sweats.
4 - You NEVER pee alone
5 - A vacation is going to the grocery store by yourself
6 - You've ever sat doing nothing while the baby was screaming because your husband was home and should have to take care of it.
7 - It's not worth doing your hair in the morning.
8 - You know who Sid the Science Kid, Wild Krats, Jake, Badou, Rollie Pollie Ollie, WareHouse Mouse, Heatwave, Blades, Boulder, Chase, Cody, and Caillou are.
9 - You laugh at the morning and afternoon traffic report.
10- You don't change your baby's diaper because "it could hold more".
AND.....
11 - You have no time to do anything for yourself and even if you do manage to plan something it will be canceled because there's a meeting, or some one gets sick or the house gets enveloped by a black hole or worse.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Family Reunion
I had a wonderful dinner with the girls from my previous job the other night and it was awesome. The five of us spent many, many, many hours over 7 years, together, in the same room laughing, crying and yelling at each other. Seeing them again made me realize just how much I miss that camaraderie. We swapped stories and caught up on all the news. We're certainly a diverse group with a Westerner, an Islander, an Indian and two Southerners; we range in age from 23 to 34; some are married with kids and some are single. And yet we have tons in common and enjoy being with one another.
For half a millisecond I thought about how great it would be to be at work again. But then I remembered that work is more than just hanging out with those ladies. It means experiments that don't work, funding problems, arguments over methodology, and on and on and on. I'm SO over that.
We were together so long I view them more as family than friends. And as dysfunctional as we all are, I would do anything for any of them as long as they don't ask me to go back to work. I have no commute, no boss (at least not in the conventional way) and no work stress; just family stress, which I'd have anyway. I love being a SAHM and I think it's going to stay that way for a while.
For half a millisecond I thought about how great it would be to be at work again. But then I remembered that work is more than just hanging out with those ladies. It means experiments that don't work, funding problems, arguments over methodology, and on and on and on. I'm SO over that.
We were together so long I view them more as family than friends. And as dysfunctional as we all are, I would do anything for any of them as long as they don't ask me to go back to work. I have no commute, no boss (at least not in the conventional way) and no work stress; just family stress, which I'd have anyway. I love being a SAHM and I think it's going to stay that way for a while.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Convicted.... again!
It's tough being a mom. It's even tougher when some one makes you feel like an inferior one. That happened to me last week. It was not intentional, but I felt convicted all the same. This is not the first time it has happened and I know it won't be the last. I had some friends over last week to swim and we were all having a good time. Even our baby was enjoying a little water time. One of my friends has this adorable, cherub like, cutie-patutie who is about 8 months old. She was in the pool with him the whole time. And not pushing him around in a baby float, like me; she was holding him and helping him to try and swim and playing with him. Half the time I let my friends push my baby around. I was barely with her in the pool and she spent the whole time in the floatie. I feel terrible about it. Three kids in and I've gotten lazy. I should play with my kids more. Thank you Mrs. M. for enlightening me. You're a great mom!
While I'm mad at myself for getting complacent I'm glad I noticed before it was too late.
While I'm mad at myself for getting complacent I'm glad I noticed before it was too late.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
The Boy
The following incident perfectly exemplifies my son's personality. I was in the kitchen when my daughter came in and said, "Mom, come look." I hate when my children say that. It could mean everything from there's dirt on the window to my brother just cut his arm off. This time it meant that my sweet little boy had decided to swing from the chandelier like some cartoon super hero running to save the day. Unlike cartoon chandeliers, ours does fall from the ceiling when a 37 pound boy swings from it. I found the chandelier hanging from the safety cable and my son cowering behind his tool box, peering over the top with his 'please don't be mad at me' smile on his face. He turns four tomorrow. We're in trouble.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Spontaneous Affection
The last week or so has been pretty challenging with my kids. They had Vacation Bible School every evening and the increased activity made them CRANKY. My son has been feeling his nearly 4 year old oats and is testing every single boundary we have given him. The baby was woken up from her nap almost every day which makes her extra fun to be around and my oldest is still adjusting to having me around all the time, telling her what to do. To say the least, it's been challenging.
This morning while we were getting ready for church my daughter came in, gave me a big hug and said, "You are the greatest mom in the whole world. I love you." I'm not ashamed to say it melted my heart. For every one of those sweet statements I get about 50 telling me how mean or unfair I am. And yet somehow, that one unsolicited, genuine show of affection makes all the negative mean stuff vanish.
Just a few minutes later, I was on the floor putting on my shoes when my son came in to say good morning. We were exchanging some early morning pleasantries (a big squeezy hug and collection of kisses) when my husband called him back to his room to get his shoes on. I'll never forget his face, he looked toward his dad, then me and in the blink of an eye, decided before he could leave, he needed to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek I have ever had. I nearly cried. There was no reason for it, he just put his hand on my shoulder, leaned over and planted one on my cheek.
We have pretty good kids, but they have their moments just like any other children. Now that I stay home, I get the full brunt of their frustration. Mornings like today keep me going. Maybe it takes all the whining, crying, fighting and talking back to truly appreciate those little moments.
This morning while we were getting ready for church my daughter came in, gave me a big hug and said, "You are the greatest mom in the whole world. I love you." I'm not ashamed to say it melted my heart. For every one of those sweet statements I get about 50 telling me how mean or unfair I am. And yet somehow, that one unsolicited, genuine show of affection makes all the negative mean stuff vanish.
Just a few minutes later, I was on the floor putting on my shoes when my son came in to say good morning. We were exchanging some early morning pleasantries (a big squeezy hug and collection of kisses) when my husband called him back to his room to get his shoes on. I'll never forget his face, he looked toward his dad, then me and in the blink of an eye, decided before he could leave, he needed to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek I have ever had. I nearly cried. There was no reason for it, he just put his hand on my shoulder, leaned over and planted one on my cheek.
We have pretty good kids, but they have their moments just like any other children. Now that I stay home, I get the full brunt of their frustration. Mornings like today keep me going. Maybe it takes all the whining, crying, fighting and talking back to truly appreciate those little moments.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Mom with a Dog with a Blog
It's official. We have our new dog. She's a beautiful, three month old, shelter coonhound named Clara. It's only been two days and we couldn't ask for a better puppy. She's gentle and calm with the baby and hasn't torn anything up... yet. It has taken a while for her to relax, so tomorrow she may be a crazy nut job, but for now, she's awesome. Oddly, I already feel calmer and safer in my house. It's not like she's an attack dog or anything, but somehow I've stopped looking over my shoulder for the ghost of Christmas future and quit wondering if there's some psycho killer behind every closet or curtain.
The strangest part is I feel territorial for Winston. He was a fabulous dog and it is very weird to see some other dog eat out of his bowls and lay in his kennel or on his bed. I don't want to share them with Clara, but I'm also too cheap to go out and buy new ones. It's like I'm betraying his memory by letting another animal use his stuff. So odd.
I know I'm crazy to get a dog now. I have three kids, one is just barely a year old and this is my husband's "busy" travel season. But I think I can handle it. I just watch to make sure she doesn't chew anything she shouldn't. I already do that with the baby. I make sure she gets out to do her business. I already do that with the two older kids; only I make sure they get to the bathroom; except, of course, for my son when he's peeing on the grass. I make the kids feed her, so thus far it hasn't been too bad. Of course everything looks rosy after just 48 hours. The new puppy goggles will come off soon and the poop will hit whatever she poops on.
The strangest part is I feel territorial for Winston. He was a fabulous dog and it is very weird to see some other dog eat out of his bowls and lay in his kennel or on his bed. I don't want to share them with Clara, but I'm also too cheap to go out and buy new ones. It's like I'm betraying his memory by letting another animal use his stuff. So odd.
I know I'm crazy to get a dog now. I have three kids, one is just barely a year old and this is my husband's "busy" travel season. But I think I can handle it. I just watch to make sure she doesn't chew anything she shouldn't. I already do that with the baby. I make sure she gets out to do her business. I already do that with the two older kids; only I make sure they get to the bathroom; except, of course, for my son when he's peeing on the grass. I make the kids feed her, so thus far it hasn't been too bad. Of course everything looks rosy after just 48 hours. The new puppy goggles will come off soon and the poop will hit whatever she poops on.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Getting rid of baby... stuff
The time has finally come to start getting rid of baby stuff. My husband and I have not decided 100% that we are done, but we are about 98% sure. We've had a lot of the "stuff" for 8 years and while it has served it's purpose, I really don't want to store it anymore. I have a friend who could really use a lot of it, so I thought it would be perfect to give it to her. And she is grateful. What I didn't anticipate, was how weird I would feel about it.
Getting rid of the stuff really solidifies that we won't be having anymore kids. I really don't want to be pregnant again and having a fourth person in my life that screams at me all day just might send me over the edge. Still, it's sad.
I'm not much of a pack rat and don't normally get attached to things, but I nearly cried when I saw the saucer and swing go into my friend's car. There are so many memories tied to those objects. All three of my kids enjoyed the saucer and even though our son cried every time he got near the swing, I remember that. My oldest spent hours in the swing. She loved it and still loves to swing. It's hard to explain the ache in my heart. It's not like I've lost anything. My children are still alive and healthy and I remember practically everything; their first hurts, their first laughs, their baby talk, everything. Maybe it's time that's making me sad. My children will only be babies once and never again. This signals the beginning of the end. Soon they'll be in high school, then college (hopefully) and then they'll get married and start their own lives...... without me.
I know it's way too early to be this kind of upset about my children leaving me. I guess I just need to look on the bright side; if the economy keeps up this way, they may never be able to leave our house.
Getting rid of the stuff really solidifies that we won't be having anymore kids. I really don't want to be pregnant again and having a fourth person in my life that screams at me all day just might send me over the edge. Still, it's sad.
I'm not much of a pack rat and don't normally get attached to things, but I nearly cried when I saw the saucer and swing go into my friend's car. There are so many memories tied to those objects. All three of my kids enjoyed the saucer and even though our son cried every time he got near the swing, I remember that. My oldest spent hours in the swing. She loved it and still loves to swing. It's hard to explain the ache in my heart. It's not like I've lost anything. My children are still alive and healthy and I remember practically everything; their first hurts, their first laughs, their baby talk, everything. Maybe it's time that's making me sad. My children will only be babies once and never again. This signals the beginning of the end. Soon they'll be in high school, then college (hopefully) and then they'll get married and start their own lives...... without me.
I know it's way too early to be this kind of upset about my children leaving me. I guess I just need to look on the bright side; if the economy keeps up this way, they may never be able to leave our house.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Things a SAHM Needs
I have discovered the things a woman needs in order to be a SAHM! No really. This is the essential list!
1. Kids! Obvious I know, but not everyone would think of it. In a lot of ways being a SAHM would be much easier without them. They are what makes being a SAHM...... challenging.
2. A supportive husband. Without one, you're a single mom. As a SAHM, a patient husband with a good set of listening ears makes a world of difference. It's important that he values your non-monetary contribution just as much as you value his monetary contribution. There's nothing more damaging to a marriage than conversations about "his" money. Even more important is that he realizes that your job is 24-7 and time away from the kids is NECESSARY.
3. Friends! (you can complain about your husband with) Friends are the people who will take your children away when you really need a break. They won't judge you when you forget diapers or show up to a playdate without a shower.
4. SAHM friends. Friends are great, but if they aren't home all day like you, you will be seriously lonely. SAHM friends are the only way to have something to do during the day that does not involve people under 5 foot tall. Also, no matter how good your working friends are, they will never be able to understand what it's like to be you.
5. Ten minute hobbies. You need something "grown up" to do during the day. Maybe not everyday, but something at least a few times a week. Unfortunately because you stay home you'll have 15 minutes at most to do anything uninterrupted. I know this seems odd because most kids nap, but getting more than 15 minutes, in my experience, just isn't possible.
6. A good sense of self. It is so easy to lose yourself in your children when you work. As a SAHM, it is super easy for your entire being to wrapped around your children. While that can make you a great mom, it sets you up for a big heartache when your children leave the nest. I would argue that having a strong identity outside of your children makes you an even better mom and a better wife. That doesn't mean you ignore your children and work out at the YMCA for 4 hours everyday, but it's important to know who you are without your children.
7. A date night. My husband and I rarely went on dates before I stayed at home. We just felt with both of us working it wasn't fair to the kids to leave them with a babysitter every Friday night. We found plenty of time to be together without kids. We would take a long lunch and go to a movie or have stay-at-home dates after the kids went to bed. Between not having a lunch time babysitter (daycare) and the allure of stay-at-home dates gone now that I'm home all day, we just don't seem to get much time alone. So, we have to be a lot more deliberate in making sure we get away.
And last, but not least...
8. A willingness to be unappreciated. This is by far the hardest thing. At work there is (hopefully) a daily sense of accomplishment and at the very least a pay check to let you know what you do is valuable. That doesn't happen as a SAHM. Your kids take your presence for granted, your husband takes your presence for granted. I have a fellow SAHM friend who said, "It's great being a SAHM because I take care of the margins. If something comes up, my stuff can get dropped (because my stuff always gets dropped) and I can take care of it." For your own sanity you have to be willing to let your stuff get dropped. This has been by far the most difficult part for me, but I'll get there.
1. Kids! Obvious I know, but not everyone would think of it. In a lot of ways being a SAHM would be much easier without them. They are what makes being a SAHM...... challenging.
2. A supportive husband. Without one, you're a single mom. As a SAHM, a patient husband with a good set of listening ears makes a world of difference. It's important that he values your non-monetary contribution just as much as you value his monetary contribution. There's nothing more damaging to a marriage than conversations about "his" money. Even more important is that he realizes that your job is 24-7 and time away from the kids is NECESSARY.
3. Friends! (you can complain about your husband with) Friends are the people who will take your children away when you really need a break. They won't judge you when you forget diapers or show up to a playdate without a shower.
4. SAHM friends. Friends are great, but if they aren't home all day like you, you will be seriously lonely. SAHM friends are the only way to have something to do during the day that does not involve people under 5 foot tall. Also, no matter how good your working friends are, they will never be able to understand what it's like to be you.
5. Ten minute hobbies. You need something "grown up" to do during the day. Maybe not everyday, but something at least a few times a week. Unfortunately because you stay home you'll have 15 minutes at most to do anything uninterrupted. I know this seems odd because most kids nap, but getting more than 15 minutes, in my experience, just isn't possible.
6. A good sense of self. It is so easy to lose yourself in your children when you work. As a SAHM, it is super easy for your entire being to wrapped around your children. While that can make you a great mom, it sets you up for a big heartache when your children leave the nest. I would argue that having a strong identity outside of your children makes you an even better mom and a better wife. That doesn't mean you ignore your children and work out at the YMCA for 4 hours everyday, but it's important to know who you are without your children.
7. A date night. My husband and I rarely went on dates before I stayed at home. We just felt with both of us working it wasn't fair to the kids to leave them with a babysitter every Friday night. We found plenty of time to be together without kids. We would take a long lunch and go to a movie or have stay-at-home dates after the kids went to bed. Between not having a lunch time babysitter (daycare) and the allure of stay-at-home dates gone now that I'm home all day, we just don't seem to get much time alone. So, we have to be a lot more deliberate in making sure we get away.
And last, but not least...
8. A willingness to be unappreciated. This is by far the hardest thing. At work there is (hopefully) a daily sense of accomplishment and at the very least a pay check to let you know what you do is valuable. That doesn't happen as a SAHM. Your kids take your presence for granted, your husband takes your presence for granted. I have a fellow SAHM friend who said, "It's great being a SAHM because I take care of the margins. If something comes up, my stuff can get dropped (because my stuff always gets dropped) and I can take care of it." For your own sanity you have to be willing to let your stuff get dropped. This has been by far the most difficult part for me, but I'll get there.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Oklahoma Tornado
It is my absolute nightmare to have my children away from me during a tornado. My heart is broken for those parents who have lost or have not yet found their children. I can only imagine the fear those poor babies felt and the anguish the parents must have felt trying to get to them. That worry and fear is one of the terrible blessings of being a parent. May the love and grace of God cover those gone, missing and searching.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
On the Edge
Why is it that children can bring you to the absolute end of your very last nerve? My children have been awake for roughly 12 hours and some one has been whining or crying almost every second of it. My son woke up crying. He cried and hollered most of the morning. After an hour of "quiet time" in his room he hadn't fallen asleep and still had crocodile tears pouring down his face. If he wasn't a mess, the baby was upset about something. It has been a non-stop chorus of tears and screams. If it wasn't for the angelic behavior of my oldest I may have totally lost it.
I thought it might help to get them outside for a while. We've had a lot of rain lately and they've been trapped inside. Needless to say, I was wrong. Between 5 minute breaks of happiness there was nothing but whining and fussing. I don't like being ignored. I hate when some one makes a mess in a room I've just cleaned. But nothing, nothing brings me to the brink of insanity like never ending whining. To say I HATE it, is truly an understatement.
Today is a day when God is trying to teach me patience and compassion for some one who is annoying the crap out of me. I must be being prepared for something big because if you can't love your adorable son when he's whining and out of control, who can you love?
Today is a day when God is trying to teach me patience and compassion for some one who is annoying the crap out of me. I must be being prepared for something big because if you can't love your adorable son when he's whining and out of control, who can you love?
Friday, May 17, 2013
A Grown Up Lunch
My friend and I often lament at how we no longer get to eat out at nice places. Our husbands get to eat out at some of the nicest places in town once or twice a week for work while we get to indulge in peanut butter and jelly and the occasional McDonalds or Chik-fil-A. It's not that we're angry that our husband's get to eat out, it would just be nice to have something a little more adult. I fancy myself something of a cook and I'm brave enough to try just about anything. But it's difficult to want to do all that work just for me and my son when I know I'm just going to have to cook again for everyone else later.
The other day I was watching Mario Batali on "The Chew" making gnocchi. I have often heard about gnocchi, but never knew what it was. Turns out it's just a potato noodle. I make noodles all the time, so I thought, "I can do that". Then he made this fantastic looking sauce with just red onion, pancetta and tomato paste, and again I thought, "I can do that."
So I called my friend who is a little bit afraid in the kitchen and invited her to join me in a gnocchi experiment. Later that week she came over and while our kids played, we cooked. It was fun. We got messy, but in the end we had successfully made a yummy lunch, complete with a fabulous strawberry, almond side salad with a wonderful honey vinaigrette made by my friend. Even though there were dishes to do, it was very nice to have a "grown up" lunch.
It's taken over a year, but I think I'm finally learning to have some fun outside of my children, while my children are present. It takes some extra planning, but it's totally worth it.
The other day I was watching Mario Batali on "The Chew" making gnocchi. I have often heard about gnocchi, but never knew what it was. Turns out it's just a potato noodle. I make noodles all the time, so I thought, "I can do that". Then he made this fantastic looking sauce with just red onion, pancetta and tomato paste, and again I thought, "I can do that."
So I called my friend who is a little bit afraid in the kitchen and invited her to join me in a gnocchi experiment. Later that week she came over and while our kids played, we cooked. It was fun. We got messy, but in the end we had successfully made a yummy lunch, complete with a fabulous strawberry, almond side salad with a wonderful honey vinaigrette made by my friend. Even though there were dishes to do, it was very nice to have a "grown up" lunch.
It's taken over a year, but I think I'm finally learning to have some fun outside of my children, while my children are present. It takes some extra planning, but it's totally worth it.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Taking it Personally
I am the type of person that judges my day by accomplishments. I love to make a list and check the items off one by one. It's a great high. In my old job, people appreciated my ability to check a bunch of things off a list. And appreciated more, how well I accomplished those jobs. Now that I'm a SAHM I still have lists and get the high of checking items off. What I don't necessarily get is the appreciation. For instance, I spent hours cleaning, sorting and organizing my daughter's room. It was Be-A-U-tiful! Within a few days she decided she didn't like it and rearranged everything. I'm talking took books off her bookshelf and piled them in her suitcase and other random bags because she wanted to use her bookshelves to hold her doll clothes. Frustrating to say the least and a little insulting. She's only 7, so it's not like she's doing it on purpose. I was just very proud of the job I had done and in the blink of an eye it was destroyed.
I'm having to work really hard and not letting my feelings get hurt. We reorganized my daughter's room and this time I made sure she helped and had input as to where things should go. So now, we're both proud of how it looks and she's working very hard at keeping it nice. Where I felt a sense of accomplishment the first time I cleaned her room, now we're both excited and I feel extra kudos for learning to be a better mom.
This mom thing really is a thankless job. No matter how many times I put the toys away, I know I'm going to have to do it again, and again, and again. I take pride in my job, whatever it is and right now I'm a SAHM. I want to do my best everyday and so I will continue to put the toys away, to put the books away and whatever else I have to put away. I'm pretty sure my family appreciates what I do, I just wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.
On top of being the family's social secretary, I'm also the cook, taxi, maid, landscaper, pool boy and stylist. Is it too much to ask that my family put me on a pedestal?
I'm having to work really hard and not letting my feelings get hurt. We reorganized my daughter's room and this time I made sure she helped and had input as to where things should go. So now, we're both proud of how it looks and she's working very hard at keeping it nice. Where I felt a sense of accomplishment the first time I cleaned her room, now we're both excited and I feel extra kudos for learning to be a better mom.
This mom thing really is a thankless job. No matter how many times I put the toys away, I know I'm going to have to do it again, and again, and again. I take pride in my job, whatever it is and right now I'm a SAHM. I want to do my best everyday and so I will continue to put the toys away, to put the books away and whatever else I have to put away. I'm pretty sure my family appreciates what I do, I just wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.
On top of being the family's social secretary, I'm also the cook, taxi, maid, landscaper, pool boy and stylist. Is it too much to ask that my family put me on a pedestal?
Friday, May 10, 2013
Why is rude allowed?
Why are we supposed to let our children hurt our feelings? I understand that children are not born with sensitivity chips and don't automatically know when they say something hurtful. But is that really an excuse. We do what we're supposed to when our children point at some one who looks different or ask too loudly about some one in a wheel chair, etc, but we tend to let our children say mean things to us, the parents, because "they don't know better".
Many of the things our children say to us, we would never tolerate from an adult. I understand that our children get frustrated and angry with us, but we need to teach them how to properly express that anger. If a friend of mine told me I was stupid the way my daughter does, I would tell them that hurt my feelings and we may not be friends anymore. When my daughter does that to me, I'm supposed to be the "grown up" and get over it without an apology because she's "just a kid". I think my daughter is old enough now that when she says or does something hurtful, I stop talking to her for a while. Now, I don't pout like a toddler or run off and cry. I just inform her that she hurt my feelings and I don't wish to talk to her anymore. I won't help her with a puzzle or get out her crafts because she was mean and I should not be obligated to do nice things for her if she's not nice to me.
The other adult in my house thinks I should put her in time out or make her do sit-ups for punishment. (Sit-ups have worked fantastic for us as a quick punishment for a sassy mouth.) I think it's more important to give her a real world consequence. If she's mean to friends or strangers they aren't going to put her in time out, they aren't going to play with her or help her.
It's not like I stop talking to her for days, just a few hours or until she honestly apologizes. I think we send a confusing message to our children when we tell them to be nice and share with their friends, but we don't expect them to behave the same toward us. I also think it's important for my children to know that I'm a person and I have feelings just like anyone else. Now that I stay home, I really get abused. Kids say really mean things and I'm their target all day long.
Many of the things our children say to us, we would never tolerate from an adult. I understand that our children get frustrated and angry with us, but we need to teach them how to properly express that anger. If a friend of mine told me I was stupid the way my daughter does, I would tell them that hurt my feelings and we may not be friends anymore. When my daughter does that to me, I'm supposed to be the "grown up" and get over it without an apology because she's "just a kid". I think my daughter is old enough now that when she says or does something hurtful, I stop talking to her for a while. Now, I don't pout like a toddler or run off and cry. I just inform her that she hurt my feelings and I don't wish to talk to her anymore. I won't help her with a puzzle or get out her crafts because she was mean and I should not be obligated to do nice things for her if she's not nice to me.
The other adult in my house thinks I should put her in time out or make her do sit-ups for punishment. (Sit-ups have worked fantastic for us as a quick punishment for a sassy mouth.) I think it's more important to give her a real world consequence. If she's mean to friends or strangers they aren't going to put her in time out, they aren't going to play with her or help her.
It's not like I stop talking to her for days, just a few hours or until she honestly apologizes. I think we send a confusing message to our children when we tell them to be nice and share with their friends, but we don't expect them to behave the same toward us. I also think it's important for my children to know that I'm a person and I have feelings just like anyone else. Now that I stay home, I really get abused. Kids say really mean things and I'm their target all day long.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Having It All
I don't normally get political or address public opinion, etc, but I have recently been pushed to discuss how I feel about being a SAHM versus a working mom and what I think about "having it all".
"Having it all" is of course possible for women. Lets face it, we're amazing. We can multi-task better than any supercomputer. We can balance making and keeping a home, raising children, and we can conquer the work place. My biggest concern is at what expense. The concept of "having it all" is heavily focused on the individual; me or I. It's an idea built on a selfish premise. The individual may have the kids, the family, the friends, and the career, but what about the people around her? Do we gyp our family and friends out of a truly deep and meaningful relationship with us because we're far too focused on ourselves? Not to mention the fact that it's just plain exhausting to do it all. Sometimes we confuse "having it all" with "doing it all".
I am certainly not saying that a woman shouldn't do it all. I do believe, however, that when children are involved things can get a little messy. Children that come from homes where both parents are career driven and work 60-70 hour weeks can and do turn out fantastic. Many parents work those kind of hours and still manage to spend real quality time with their children, but is that really fair?
We want our kids to grow up to be successful. How do we judge success? Is it that they have great jobs and make lots of money or that they dedicate their lives to some cause? By focusing so much on what we do, do we forget to teach our children that who we are is far more important.
My husband travels a lot for work and our kids really miss him. Part of the reason I stay home now is how much he travels and how dedicated he is to his job. When I was younger, I had career goals and worked to be successful in my field. As soon as my husband started his job and we had our first child, I realized that it just wasn't fair for both of us to be so career focused. Our daughter didn't choose to be born, we chose to have her. It didn't matter if it was me or my husband who backed off, but one of us was going to have to let their career "suffer" for the sake of our family. My husband has a real passion for what he does, so it was natural for me to back off.
The other night I had to tell my son that his dad wouldn't be joining us for dinner because he had to work. He looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and said, "Oh man. I miss Daddy." That just completely cemented my thoughts on staying home. My husband spends all his free time with our children and he is a great father; he just works a lot and misses a lot. We could put our kids in daycare or get a nanny so I could work too, but then what happens when both my husband and I can't make dinner. I can't stand the thought of my son's face hearing neither of us would be home for dinner.
We chose to have our children and they should be our priority. They aren't something we should check off on our list of accomplishments. They are human beings that need our guidance to become good human beings. I don't want them to remember their childhood as memories built in between their parent's work schedules. Careers come and go, children and grandchildren are forever.
That does not mean the woman has to be the one to give up or tone down her career. I know plenty of dads who have chosen to put less emphasis on their careers to make sure their family is taken care of. It also doesn't mean that one parent's career has to be over. Raising a family is a full time job and I don't think we should be hiring that job out to carefully vetted strangers.
"Having it all" is of course possible for women. Lets face it, we're amazing. We can multi-task better than any supercomputer. We can balance making and keeping a home, raising children, and we can conquer the work place. My biggest concern is at what expense. The concept of "having it all" is heavily focused on the individual; me or I. It's an idea built on a selfish premise. The individual may have the kids, the family, the friends, and the career, but what about the people around her? Do we gyp our family and friends out of a truly deep and meaningful relationship with us because we're far too focused on ourselves? Not to mention the fact that it's just plain exhausting to do it all. Sometimes we confuse "having it all" with "doing it all".
I am certainly not saying that a woman shouldn't do it all. I do believe, however, that when children are involved things can get a little messy. Children that come from homes where both parents are career driven and work 60-70 hour weeks can and do turn out fantastic. Many parents work those kind of hours and still manage to spend real quality time with their children, but is that really fair?
We want our kids to grow up to be successful. How do we judge success? Is it that they have great jobs and make lots of money or that they dedicate their lives to some cause? By focusing so much on what we do, do we forget to teach our children that who we are is far more important.
My husband travels a lot for work and our kids really miss him. Part of the reason I stay home now is how much he travels and how dedicated he is to his job. When I was younger, I had career goals and worked to be successful in my field. As soon as my husband started his job and we had our first child, I realized that it just wasn't fair for both of us to be so career focused. Our daughter didn't choose to be born, we chose to have her. It didn't matter if it was me or my husband who backed off, but one of us was going to have to let their career "suffer" for the sake of our family. My husband has a real passion for what he does, so it was natural for me to back off.
The other night I had to tell my son that his dad wouldn't be joining us for dinner because he had to work. He looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and said, "Oh man. I miss Daddy." That just completely cemented my thoughts on staying home. My husband spends all his free time with our children and he is a great father; he just works a lot and misses a lot. We could put our kids in daycare or get a nanny so I could work too, but then what happens when both my husband and I can't make dinner. I can't stand the thought of my son's face hearing neither of us would be home for dinner.
We chose to have our children and they should be our priority. They aren't something we should check off on our list of accomplishments. They are human beings that need our guidance to become good human beings. I don't want them to remember their childhood as memories built in between their parent's work schedules. Careers come and go, children and grandchildren are forever.
That does not mean the woman has to be the one to give up or tone down her career. I know plenty of dads who have chosen to put less emphasis on their careers to make sure their family is taken care of. It also doesn't mean that one parent's career has to be over. Raising a family is a full time job and I don't think we should be hiring that job out to carefully vetted strangers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)