I Am Not in Control

I have rediscovered my control issues.  I've always known I have something of a need to have things my way, but that has become more apparent in the last few weeks and has entered a realm I hoped it would not; motherhood.  My husband has been traveling more than usual so I have become far more responsible for our children's schooling and activities.  

Our oldest has always been a good student, in that she loves to learn and has always tried to do well.  This year, she has been struggling more with math and has given up trying.  That drives me C-R-A-Z-Y!  We've been working through her struggles and I thought we were making progress.  Then she came home on Friday with three papers/tests where she missed at least half of the questions!  

My son has had behavior issues lately.  Nothing serious; normal 4 year old stuff, but it's frustrating and requires incredible vigilance to stop the behavior.  It's constant time outs and screaming that my punishments are unfair.  

And the baby has been going through some strange screaming phase where she just can't help but scream for 3 hours every morning and indiscriminately at other times of the day.  Nothing I do can make her happy.  She's not hungry, not tired, not thirsty, doesn't want to play, be read to or even watch TV.  She just wants to scream.

All of this combined is making me nuts.  After five days alone, it all snowballed and I was visibly shaking I was so stressed.  I got away to my hiding place (the bathroom) for a few moments, took a deep breath and finally figured out my problem.  I felt like a failure.  Worse than that, it was my lack of control that led to the failure.  My children's behavior was all my fault.  My husband is a great father and when he's home they don't behave that way, so the obvious conclusion was that I am not a good mom.  I was failing my kids. 

Two days later I was still trying to cope.  I finally remembered that I should pray about it.  I prayed for God to take away my control issues and to help me feel like less of a failing parent.  As I prayed I could literally feel the heaviness trickling away.  It was awesome.  I realized that I was doing everything I could, but I was not in control.  Ultimately, God is in control and he could work miracles.  I needed to learn to let go.  In fact, it was probably my stubborn need to be in control that was causing some of the problems.

We picked up lunch on the way home from church and were planning to go have a 'family fun day' picking pumpkins.  Lunch was a little stressful.  The kids were poking on each other, the baby was screaming and it was a mess.  I ended up looking down at my plate, dipping french fries in ketchup, shoveling them into my mouth while I continued a mantra of, "I am not in control.  I am not in control."

Long story short, the outing was a marvelous success.  We had a great time.  I am still working on letting go.  The less control I try to have over everything, the better things are.