About Me

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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Things a SAHM Needs

I have discovered the things a woman needs in order to be a SAHM!  No really.  This is the essential list!

1.  Kids!  Obvious I know, but not everyone would think of it.  In a lot of ways being a SAHM would be much easier without them.  They are what makes being a SAHM...... challenging.

2.  A supportive husband.  Without one, you're a single mom.  As a SAHM, a patient husband with a good set of listening ears makes a world of difference.  It's important that he values your non-monetary contribution just as much as you value his monetary contribution.  There's nothing more damaging to a marriage than conversations about "his" money.  Even more important is that he realizes that your job is 24-7 and time away from the kids is NECESSARY.

3.  Friends! (you can complain about your husband with)  Friends are the people who will take your children away when you really need a break.  They won't judge you when you forget diapers or show up to a playdate without a shower.

4.  SAHM friends.  Friends are great, but if they aren't home all day like you, you will be seriously lonely.  SAHM friends are the only way to have something to do during the day that does not involve people under 5 foot tall.  Also, no matter how good your working friends are, they will never be able to understand what it's like to be you.

5. Ten minute hobbies.  You need something "grown up" to do during the day.  Maybe not everyday, but something at least a few times a week.  Unfortunately because you stay home you'll have 15 minutes at most to do anything uninterrupted.  I know this seems odd because most kids nap, but getting more than 15 minutes, in my experience, just isn't possible.

6.  A good sense of self.  It is so easy to lose yourself in your children when you work.  As a SAHM, it is super easy for your entire being to wrapped around your children.  While that  can make you a great mom, it sets you up for a big heartache when your children leave the nest.  I would argue that having a strong identity outside of your children makes you an even better mom and a better wife.  That doesn't mean you ignore your children and work out at the YMCA for 4 hours everyday, but it's important to know who you are without your children.

7.  A date night.  My husband and I rarely went on dates before I stayed at home.  We just felt with both of us working it wasn't fair to the kids to leave them with a babysitter every Friday night.  We found plenty of time to be together without kids.  We would take a long lunch and go to a movie or have stay-at-home dates after the kids went to bed.  Between not having a lunch time babysitter (daycare) and the allure of stay-at-home dates gone now that I'm home all day, we just don't seem to get much time alone.  So, we have to be a lot more deliberate in making sure we get away.

And last, but not least...

8.  A willingness to be unappreciated.  This is by far the hardest thing.  At work there is (hopefully) a daily sense of accomplishment and at the very least a pay check to let you know what you do is valuable.  That doesn't happen as a SAHM.  Your kids take your presence for granted, your husband takes your presence for granted.  I have a fellow SAHM friend who said, "It's great being a SAHM because I take care of the margins.  If something comes up, my stuff can get dropped (because my stuff always gets dropped) and I can take care of it."  For your own sanity you have to be willing to let your stuff get dropped.  This has been by far the most difficult part for me, but I'll get there.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Oklahoma Tornado

It is my absolute nightmare to have my children away from me during a tornado.  My heart is broken for those parents who have lost or have not yet found their children.  I can only imagine the fear those poor babies felt and the anguish the parents must have felt trying to get to them.  That worry and fear is one of the terrible blessings of being a parent.  May the love and grace of God cover those gone, missing and searching.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

On the Edge

Why is it that children can bring you to the absolute end of your very last nerve?  My children have been awake for roughly 12 hours and some one has been whining or crying almost every second of it.  My son woke up crying.  He cried and hollered most of the morning.  After an hour of "quiet time" in his room he hadn't fallen asleep and still had crocodile tears pouring down his face.  If he wasn't a mess, the baby was upset about something.  It has been a non-stop chorus of tears and screams.  If it wasn't for the angelic behavior of my oldest I may have totally lost it.

I thought it might help to get them outside for a while.  We've had a lot of rain lately and they've been trapped inside.  Needless to say, I was wrong.  Between 5 minute breaks of happiness there was nothing but whining and fussing.  I don't like being ignored.  I hate when some one makes a mess in a room I've just cleaned.  But nothing, nothing brings me to the brink of insanity like never ending whining.  To say I HATE it, is truly an understatement.

Today is a day when God is trying to teach me patience and compassion for some one who is annoying the crap out of me.  I must be being prepared for something big because if you can't love your adorable son when he's whining and out of control, who can you love?

Friday, May 17, 2013

A Grown Up Lunch

My friend and I often lament at how we no longer get to eat out at nice places.  Our husbands get to eat out at some of the nicest places in town once or twice a week for work while we get to indulge in peanut butter and jelly and the occasional McDonalds or Chik-fil-A.  It's not that we're angry that our husband's get to eat out, it would just be nice to have something a little more adult.  I fancy myself something of a cook and I'm brave enough to try just about anything.  But it's difficult to want to do all that work just for me and my son when I know I'm just going to have to cook again for everyone else later.

The other day I was watching Mario Batali on "The Chew" making gnocchi.  I have often heard about gnocchi, but never knew what it was.  Turns out it's just a potato noodle.  I make noodles all the time, so I thought, "I can do that".  Then he made this fantastic looking sauce with just red onion, pancetta and tomato paste, and again I thought, "I can do that." 

So I called my friend who is a little bit afraid in the kitchen and invited her to join me in a gnocchi experiment.  Later that week she came over and while our kids played, we cooked.  It was fun.  We got messy, but in the end we had successfully made a yummy lunch, complete with a fabulous strawberry, almond side salad with a wonderful honey vinaigrette made by my friend.  Even though there were dishes to do, it was very nice to have a "grown up" lunch.

It's taken over a year,  but I think I'm finally learning to have some fun outside of my children, while my children are present.  It takes some extra planning, but it's totally worth it.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Taking it Personally

I am the type of person that judges my day by accomplishments.  I love to make a list and check the items off one by one.  It's a great high.  In my old job, people appreciated my ability to check a bunch of things off a list.  And appreciated more, how well I accomplished those jobs.  Now that I'm a SAHM I still have lists and get the high of checking items off.  What I don't necessarily get is the appreciation.  For instance, I spent hours cleaning, sorting and organizing my daughter's room.  It was Be-A-U-tiful!  Within a few days she decided she didn't like it and rearranged everything.  I'm talking took books off her bookshelf and piled them in her suitcase and other random bags because she wanted to use her bookshelves to hold her doll clothes.  Frustrating to say the least and a little insulting.  She's only 7, so it's not like she's doing it on purpose.  I was just very proud of the job I had done and in the blink of an eye it was destroyed.

I'm having to work really hard and not letting my feelings get hurt.  We reorganized my daughter's room and this time I made sure she helped and had input as to where things should go.  So now, we're both proud of how it looks and she's working very hard at keeping it nice.  Where I felt a sense of accomplishment the first time I cleaned her room, now we're both excited and I feel extra kudos for learning to be a better mom.

This mom thing really is a thankless job.  No matter how many times I put the toys away, I know I'm going to have to do it again, and again, and again.  I take pride in my job, whatever it is and right now I'm a SAHM.  I want to do my best everyday and so I will continue to put the toys away, to put the books away and whatever else I have to put away.  I'm pretty sure my family appreciates what I do, I just wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.  

On top of being the family's social secretary, I'm also the cook, taxi, maid, landscaper, pool boy and stylist.  Is it too much to ask that my family put me on a pedestal?

Friday, May 10, 2013

Why is rude allowed?

Why are we supposed to let our children hurt our feelings?  I understand that children are not born with sensitivity chips and don't automatically know when they say something hurtful.  But is that really an excuse.  We do what we're supposed to when our children point at some one who looks different or ask too loudly about some one in a wheel chair, etc, but we tend to let our children say mean things to us, the parents, because "they don't know better".  

Many of the things our children say to us, we would never tolerate from an adult.  I understand that our children get frustrated and angry with us, but we need to teach them how to properly express that anger.  If a friend of mine told me I was stupid the way my daughter does, I would tell them that hurt my feelings and we may not be friends anymore.  When my daughter does that to me, I'm supposed to be the "grown up" and get over it without an apology because she's "just a kid".  I think my daughter is old enough now that when she says or does something hurtful, I stop talking to her for a while.  Now, I don't pout like a toddler or run off and cry.  I just inform her that she hurt my feelings and I don't wish to talk to her anymore.  I won't help her with a puzzle or get out her crafts because she was mean and I should not be obligated to do nice things for her if she's not nice to me.

The other adult in my house thinks I should put her in time out or make her do sit-ups for punishment.  (Sit-ups have worked fantastic for us as a quick punishment for a sassy mouth.)  I think it's more important to give her a real world consequence.  If she's mean to friends or strangers they aren't going to put her in time out, they aren't going to play with her or help her.

It's not like I stop talking to her for days, just a few hours or until she honestly apologizes.  I think we send a confusing message to our children when we tell them to be nice and share with their friends, but we don't expect them to behave the same toward us.  I also think it's important for my children to know that I'm a person and I have feelings just like anyone else.  Now that I stay home, I really get abused.  Kids say really mean things and I'm their target all day long.  

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Having It All

I don't normally get political or address public opinion, etc, but I have recently been pushed to discuss how I feel about being a SAHM versus a working mom and what I think about "having it all".

"Having it all" is of course possible for women. Lets face it, we're amazing. We can multi-task better than any supercomputer. We can balance making and keeping a home, raising children, and we can conquer the work place. My biggest concern is at what expense.  The concept of "having it all" is heavily focused on the individual; me or I. It's an idea built on a selfish premise. The individual may have the kids, the family, the friends, and the career, but what about the people around her? Do we gyp our family and friends out of a truly deep and meaningful relationship with us because we're far too focused on ourselves? Not to mention the fact that it's just plain exhausting to do it all.  Sometimes we confuse "having it all" with "doing it all".

I am certainly not saying that a woman shouldn't do it all. I do believe, however, that when children are involved things can get a little messy. Children that come from homes where both parents are career driven and work 60-70 hour weeks can and do turn out fantastic. Many parents work those kind of hours and still manage to spend real quality time with their children, but is that really fair?

We want our kids to grow up to be successful. How do we judge success? Is it that they have great jobs and make lots of money or that they dedicate their lives to some cause? By focusing so much on what we do, do we forget to teach our children that who we are is far more important.

My husband travels a lot for work and our kids really miss him. Part of the reason I stay home now is how much he travels and how dedicated he is to his job. When I was younger, I had career goals and worked to be successful in my field. As soon as my husband started his job and we had our first child, I realized that it just wasn't fair for both of us to be so career focused. Our daughter didn't choose to be born, we chose to have her. It didn't matter if it was me or my husband who backed off, but one of us was going to have to let their career "suffer" for the sake of our family. My husband has a real passion for what he does, so it was natural for me to back off.

The other night I had to tell my son that his dad wouldn't be joining us for dinner because he had to work. He looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and said, "Oh man. I miss Daddy." That just completely cemented my thoughts on staying home. My husband spends all his free time with our children and he is a great father; he just works a lot and misses a lot. We could put our kids in daycare or get a nanny so I could work too, but then what happens when both my husband and I can't make dinner. I can't stand the thought of my son's face hearing neither of us would be home for dinner.

We chose to have our children and they should be our priority. They aren't something we should check off on our list of accomplishments. They are human beings that need our guidance to become good human beings. I don't want them to remember their childhood as memories built in between their parent's work schedules. Careers come and go, children and grandchildren are forever.

That does not mean the woman has to be the one to give up or tone down her career. I know plenty of dads who have chosen to put less emphasis on their careers to make sure their family is taken care of. It also doesn't mean that one parent's career has to be over. Raising a family is a full time job and I don't think we should be hiring that job out to carefully vetted strangers.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Baby's First Birthday

It has been one year since I had our dear little baby.  She is super sweet, a little ornery, and full of energy.  I can't believe it's been a year.  Now is when it really gets fun.  She's going to start walking soon and the NON-STOP talking I'm sure is just around the corner.  I'm looking at her cutie patootie face while listening to my two older children whine and duke it out in the next room and all I can think is, "never again" and "what happened?"  

She has a sweet little face and a great toothy smile.  She cuddles with me when she is tired and smiles as she shoves bananas in her mouth.  Unfortunately, it's just a matter of time before she starts screaming at me for daring to ask her to leave the park.  She'll start slapping me in the face because I put her down for a nap instead of daddy.  And I'm sure at some point she will take a bite out of one of her siblings, just because.  I'll discipline her for that on the outside, while I laugh my booty off on the inside.

My older children did the same thing.  They were once sweet, cute, perfect babies..... and then they became toddlers.  Not quite demon spawn, but it felt like it.  There is a lot of neat growing that's going to happen in the next few years; which means a lot of fun but also a lot of headaches.