Husband's Got Me Freaking Out!

Response to "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times
Part 1:  Marital issues

So my husband means well and likes to send me newspaper articles that he thinks I'll be interested in.  He sent me this little gem most recently; "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  I'm not sure if he read it, but if he did, he and I have two very different take-aways.  He thought it was a good article about women who left the work place to stay home and then after 10 years or so opted to go back to work.  Harmless enough.  Unfortunately just about all the women they interviewed went back to work to save their marriages or to "get back" something they'd lost.  Most were still unhappy even back to work.  Some felt guilty about leaving their kids, others believed they were much happier now that they had a purpose, even if it meant less time with the kids and even less time with their husbands.  

Some of the women wanted to stay home to help their families and their marriages.  Unfortunately it seemed staying home didn't solve any marital problems, and often created more.  One mom in particular had a hard time going from corporate big shot to toilet scrubber.  I know how she feels.  I hate that a big part of my job is cleaning the house.  The kids help out and my husband is great about doing dishes after meals, but I do feel like the rest of the house is primarily my responsibility.  I have a PhD for crying out loud and my job is to clean up four other peoples' nastiness!  The problem was that her husband expected the house to be perfect.  If you don't like to clean that can really make daily life excruciating!!!  It's hard enough staying home when you don't find Barbies and pirates entertaining activities, but when the rest of your time is spent scrubbing; it's really not fun.

Money came up often in the article.  The women they interviewed gave up six figured salaries to stay home.  That's a big cut in pay to get used to.  One husband was distressed that his wife was spending a lot of her time offering her corporate skills to volunteer organizations.  He figured if she was going to work that hard and he was still going to have to do a lot of work with the house and kids, she should at least get paid.  It was as if, there was a feeling of, "if she's going to do something outside the house, she'd better get a pay check".  I thought it was quite wonderful that she was able to help out some good charities.

Although I can understand the husband's point of view.  I know that as a SAHM, I struggle with what my job description really is.  Am I just a mom or am I also the cook, chauffeur, maid, accountant and personal shopper?  When does my day end?  Do I get vacation or should I just be glad I can stay home?  It's very difficult to define those lines and even more difficult for both husband and wife to agree on those lines.  My husband knows I'm busy all day, and he's great about giving me breaks, but we have had some "warm" discussions about this very topic; usually on a day when I'm about to lose my mind.

The bottom line seemed to be that if the couples were already having marital problems, staying home didn't fix them.  Communication with the spouse allowed couples to stay together and work out compromises.  Money and job description seemed to create the most tension.  It's very important before you decide to stay home, for both you and your husband to agree on what your new responsibilities will be and how you will handle adjusting to a new income.  If these areas are already a problem you can still work things out.  My husband and I have been on an "adjust as we go" plan and as long as we're kind to one another, we can always work it out.  Being a SAHM is a stressful, FULL-TIME job.  The better you communicate, the better off both of you will be. 

Stay tuned for more commentary on this article.  It certainly got me thinking!

Part 2:  Sense of Purpose
Part 3:  Socioeconomic Status
Part 4:  Dangers of being a SAHM