Phone in the water!

Holy cow!  Fifteen years of owning cell phones and I have never permanently injured one. But in a moment of mommy brain-numbness my phone ended up in the toilet. Yes the toilet!  Thankfully a clean water toilet, but ugh all the same.  Luckily we live in a place where I can replace the phone immediately, except for the fact that I have 3 children and my husband works 60-70 hours a week when he is in town.  And I'm not about to take 3 kids to a store for 1-2 hours to get a cell phone.  

Thankfully my wonderful husband was able to get off a little early and was even kind enough to arrange for a babysitter.  We don't have a home phone and without a cell phone I was unable to communicate.  I even tried to go by her house to see if she was available.  It felt very uncomfortable to stop and visit some one without calling first.  

So I had to go 24 hours without a phone.  This totally sounds mellow dramatic, but life without my phone for 24 hours... SUCKED!

I felt disconnected, lonely, and utterly lost.  What if something happened?  What if some one tried to call?  What if I needed to look at Facebook?  What if I missed a terrific post?  What if the moon turned to blood or the Earth stopped spinning?  I was actually a little twitchy.  I had to keep reminding myself that everything would be OK.  If some one had to wait 24 hours to hear from me they would not burn up and die.  Because the truth is no one ever calls (at least no none I want to talk to - there's a telemarketing group that won't leave me alone!) and nothing ever happens.

The real problem was I couldn't get all information NOW.  I didn't have a cell phone until I was 21 and I did just fine without it.  Somehow my friends and I always found each other.  My husband talked me into it and on our second date he took me to get my first phone.  I barely used the thing until I had kids, didn't text until about 3 years ago and I held off getting a smart phone for several years.

What I was afraid would happen, has happened.  I am dependent on my phone.  Even for things that don't require the phone.  I feel naked and unequipped without it.  CRAZY!  Lord help us if there is ever a major catastrophe where all cell phones are rendered useless.  No one would know what to do with their hands, or what time it is, or how to have a conversation, or plan a meeting.  

I have my new phone now and feel much better.  Thanks to the cloud I have all my contacts and everything.  I feel whole again.  Very sad.

Ramblings of a Failure

Have you ever failed at something?  I mean, totally, epically failed?  I feel like I have failed in my life.  Everywhere I look I see failure.  I wanted to be popular; fail.  I wanted to be a great tennis player; fail.  I wanted to be pretty; fail.  I wanted to be a successful scientist, well respected and knowledgeable; fail.  I have tried many things in my life with little success.  There was one time I prayed hard to finally be the best at something, and you know what, it happened.  I was the world champion and it felt good.  But since no one seemed to think it was a big deal, other than me, the feeling faded pretty quickly.  My biggest problem is fragile self-esteem.  I put on a tough exterior, but that's only to limit the damage to the interior.

I want to be a good mom; fail.  I try, I'm just not patient enough, caring enough or playful enough.  I'm not happy being a SAHM.  I don't want to go back to work, but staying home can be SOOOOO boring!  My job is to clean and raise children.  Both are unglamorous and unappreciated and completely open to criticism by both strangers and friends.  When my kids act up in public, I think, "Great.  Now everyone knows I'm not doing a good job."  They look at me while my toddler screams.  Yes, she screams and I kind of let her.  Rushing out the door is not always possible and nothing soothes her, so sometimes she screams.

I want to be a good wife; fail.  I'm CRAZY and no one knows that better than my poor husband. One minute I can be perfectly happy moving along in life, the next I'm a snarling, venomous, creature who's curled up in a ball on the floor shaking with furry and covered in tears of regret.  Who wants to be married to that?!  I don't keep the house clean.  I don't have the kids ready all the time.  I forget to take the trash out or call the cable company.  Sometimes, I'm just a mess.  Other times, I've done the work of 10 people in a very short amount of time and it's still doesn't seem like enough.

I want to be a writer; that's a continuous process of failure.  I know it's incredibly difficult to be a published author, but when I can't even get my family and friends to read my blog, I'd say; fail.  I know I need to write more and post more..... but I'm busy being an inadequate mom, wife and friend.

Now after all that nonsense, I have to say that I have not failed at everything.  I have a husband who loves me.  Three kids whom I adore.  We have good food, fun and love.  For that I am eternally grateful and proud.  For everything I have failed in my life, I have succeeded in playing a part in creating a pretty great family.  And I wouldn't trade it for all the career accomplishments or personal acclaim I have longed for.  I need to focus more on what is truly important and less on what I or others consider 'success'.  It doesn't matter if my children have perfect manners everywhere I take them.  If they feel loved, I've done a great job.  It doesn't matter if others acknowledge my accomplishments or gifts.  If I trust in myself and God and continue to do the best I can do; I've been successful.

The Importance of Feeling Important

Yesterday, I was having a rough day.  I was feeling left out of church, left out of friend's lives and just plain left out of life.  I wasn't feeling important.  I know I'm needed at home, but I don't always feel needed.  My kids are too young to really appreciate what I do for them and what I've sacrificed to make our home life better.  Therefore, I don't feel overly important at home.  That used to be OK because I was important at work.  Man, it felt great to be needed; to have people running up to me asking for advise or help with a project.  I was important.

After talking all this over with my husband, I got to go to the grocery store by myself.  I love doing that.  I can actually look for better deals and use my coupons to their fullest value.  It's awesome.  It also gave me time to really think about my need to feel important.  I thought about people needing my help and being thanked for my help.  What I thought very little about was the actual helping part.  I enjoy that part.  I'm a "Martha".  If there's a task to be done, I'm your girl.  But what I finally realized is that I have plenty of that part at home with my family to keep me busy.  What my ego needed was people realizing they need me.  And when I thought of it that way,  I felt incredibly stupid and selfish.

As I was driving  home from the grocery store all I wanted to do was play with my kids.  I needed to make them feel important.  They are why I stay home and I want them to know I happily and without any regrets choose them over anything else.  Once I got the groceries put away, I joined my kids out on the trampoline.  It was so much fun!  I really have terrific, fun, outgoing kids.  And my husband and I are very lucky.

I must stress, however, that a woman who has had 3 children should NEVER, EVER, NEVER jump on a trampoline without leak guard protection!

Post-SAHM Depression

I believe there is a depression, similar to postpartum depression that happens to new SAHMS.  I always thought it was strange that in the days before my son was born I was extra emotional and couldn't let go of our daughter.  I would just grab her up, give her a big hug and cry a little.  Turns out, I was grieving the loss of our life as we knew it.  We spent nearly four years with just the three of us and it was about to change forever.  That life, a life I had loved and grown very comfortable in, was going to be gone as soon as my son was born.  The same thing happened right before our youngest was born.  That grief was completely gone however, as soon as the babies arrived and I was elated to finally meet them.

The grief I felt after losing my job, however, still lingers.  It's not terrible and only creeps up every once in a while, like when a friend gets a promotion, my husband publishes a book chapter or a journal article in a crazy awesome journal, or when my children say my husband must be smarter than me because he works and I, to quote my oldest, " just, you know."  For the record, my husband is smarter than me, but that's not the point.  I left a life where I felt large and in charge to start a life where I often feel like the servant.

Some friends of mine have recently become SAHMs and are experiencing emotions similar to the ones I felt almost 2 years ago.  There truly is a grieving process that happens when your life is completely changed, even if you choose that change.  The problem I found is that it could easily slip into a depression; especially if the change is not necessarily your choice.  I had a hard time pulling myself out of my own little pity party.  The world just doesn't put much stock in a woman staying home.  There are some who would say a SAHM is wasting her potential by not working.  Almost 2 years into this gig and I can tell you that's total hogwash.

I am becoming a much better version of myself.  I have become more patient, more caring and have found the value in just sitting with my children and really talking to them.  All of that has made us a much better and closer family.  I don't know that I would have found that if I was still working.  There would be too much to do.  I don't want to fit my children into my life, I want them to be my life.

It's hard adjusting to being a SAHM after being in the workplace.  The opinions of others and your opinion of yourself can really affect how you feel; a lot of times for the worse.  It's important to remember why you became a SAHM in the first place so when you're watching your 20 month old hit her older brother in the head with a plastic phone, you can smile through the screams and the tears and be proud that you are doing what is right for you and your family.

To Clean or Not to Clean

To clean or not to clean, that is often the battle in my house.  I like my house to be clean.  If I had the energy it would be spotless.  But I don't.  A recent article in the New York Times, The Case for Filth by Stephen Marche, discusses the issue of house cleaning in modern times.  He reports something women all over the world already know; women do the majority of the housework.  What I found interesting is that a study found men actually do LESS work now than they did 20 years ago!  So it seems that even though women have taken on more work outside the home, they still do most of the work inside the home.  Interestingly, the study also showed that women are doing less housework as well.  It seems that the female struggle to be equal in the home and workplace has not resulted in men scrubbing more bathtubs, but in less tub scrubbing.... period.

My initial response to this is, "Yeah.  If he's not going to clean it, then I'm not either!"  Unfortunately, that means I have to live in a state of gross.  I love my husband, but his gross-out threshold is way higher than mine.  When I was working, I tried to not clean the bathroom until he did.  About 3 months later, I had to shower in the kid's bathroom.  And my husband still didn't see that there was any problem.  So basically, if I want a clean house, I have to clean it.

At first that doesn't seem fair, but it's my issue.  My husband keeps the house clean at a certain level.  If I'm not happy with that level, it's my job to take care of that.  To be fair, my husband has a lower threshold for clutter than I do.  He hates when the kid's toys are everywhere.  I can handle it as long as the floor underneath those toys is clean.  So when it gets to a point that he's not comfortable with, he cleans it up.

Being the maid is the only downfall to being a SAHM.  I used to have more help cleaning the house, but now that I stay home and my husband works more, it's my job.  I feel like it should be my job.  It would be nice to not have to do it all the time though.  My oldest helps out, but she's only 8.  As the kids get older they'll have to do more, but that's a ways away.  Oh well.  I'll just buy some fancy cleaning gloves and get it done.

Part 4: Dangers of being a SAHM

Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  Part 4: Danger of being a SAHM

There is inherent risk in being a SAHM.  You are putting your entire financial well-being in the hands of one individual.  That is a lot of stress for both members involved and can be the source of a lot of "debate" within a marriage.  There is also the emotional consequences of being a SAHM.  Self-worth is something many moms struggle with leading to low self-esteem and depression.  There is the danger that when you decide you want to return to work, there may be nothing available and the job may no longer exist.

Some of the women interviewed in the New York Times article had difficulties going back to work in media type jobs.  The jobs just didn't exist anymore or no one was hiring.  It's difficult to leave a career for 10 years without it changing drastically; making a person unqualified for many high level positions.  Most ladies who returned to work, did so at lower levels than they left, for a lot less money.  They essentially 'began again'.  I don't believe there is anything a person can do to really combat this.  The world changes a lot in ten years and so do professions.  Even maintaining certifications and licenses would be helpful, but probably not enough.

The emotional toll of being a SAHM can be very heavy.  I still struggle with self-worth and trying to feel accomplished.  Being a SAHM is great and rewarding, but for me, it's still not the same as running the research in a lab.  It's terrible to say, but my children just aren't enough of an accomplishment for me.  Anyone can have good kids, you have to be "special" to be respected and successful in your career.  That kind of approval just doesn't come with being a SAHM.  And learning to adjust to that loss of approval is difficult not just on the person, but the marriage.  The loss of a paycheck can also be difficult to adjust to.  A paycheck is a visible representation of what you're contributing to your the family.  What you do as a SAHM is more transparent and more difficult to assign worth to.

Which brings me to the most dangerous part of being a SAHM; losing your spouse, either by death or divorce.  If something happens to my husband, I have NO money coming in.  That's a scary thought.  The idea of having to look for a job, while grieving the death of my husband, is quite frightening.  Divorce is a whole other issue altogether.  Divorce can be financially bankrupting.  And to add salt to the wound, it could be staying home that begins the unraveling of your marriage!  Many women interviewed talked about hardships in their marriage because they chose to stay home.  It's not easy.  You change, your husband changes, the dynamic of your family changes and that can be difficult to adjust to.  Arguments over who's cleaning the house, or who's job is more important or a loss of interest in your partner can all be very damaging to a marriage.

Motherhood is a 24/7 job regardless of whether you stay home or not.  But being a SAHM means you feel like you never get a break.  Convincing your husband that a 3 day vacation to Disney Land with your children is not really a vacation, can be difficult.  He doesn't get as much time with the kids, so to him, vacation is family time and that's a break from his job.  For the SAHM, it's just another day on duty, only it's made more difficult by the change of location and tired, sugar-pumped children.

The change in employment can make a woman feel boring, and, in fact, your husband may become uninterested in you.  He married a "career" woman with interests and job problems and drama to talk about over dinner.  Once you stay home, a lot of your conversations revolve around the kids or him and that can really reek havoc on some one's self-esteem; leading to more problems in the marriage.  The whole thing is a viscous cycle.

Basically, what it comes down to, is that both individuals need to agree on the SAHM job description and everyone needs to keep talking.  It takes a very strong man to have a SAHM for a wife.  As independent as we can be, we also need emotional maintenance.  It's not easy setting aside your hopes, dreams and basic needs to give your all to everyone else.  One husband said, "What could I have been in 12 years of self-discovery?" and that's the wrong idea entirely.  I'm not on a journey of self-discovery.  I have put aside just about everything that made me, me so I could focus on everyone else in my family.  I'm helping my kids and husband on their journey of self-discovery while I put mine on hold.  I know I shouldn't be doing that and I try to keep activities in my life that make me something more than a mom, but frankly, I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.

Common Sense Gene

The Common Sense Gene, where is it? and how can I turn it on in my children and at least 50% of the adults around me?  I would love if there was some kind of serum in a dart gun.  Then I could get the satisfaction of hurting the moron a little bit while eliminating their moronism (I made that word up).  Kids will be kids and I don't really expect them to have too much common sense, but does it really take a genius to know that you don't swing from a chandelier or jump off your bike while it's moving because it's going "too fast".  

It's the adults who lack common sense that drive me the most crazy.  Like letting your child who is 50-100 pounds overweight suck on a bottle of Mountain Dew all day and then claim to have no idea why their child is fat.  Or stop, and I mean STOP,  in the left lane of a 70 mph interstate so they don't miss an exit.  That brilliant move has happened in front of me at least twice.  There is nothing more stomach turning than seeing the 20 or so cars in front of you suddenly split off into 10 different directions, all for an idiot who is dumber than a gnat.

Just last night, my family and I spent nearly 40 min waiting to turn right onto the street to our house after watching the town's fireworks.  That's to be expected at something like that, but what is not expected is that we couldn't turn because some one about 50 cars in front of us wanted to turn left.  And while there was absolutely no traffic going right, it was impossible to turn left.  The worst part is, if that person had turned right and just gone around the block, it would have taken a tenth of the time for him to get to the street he wanted on.  

It was RIDICULOUS!  People who wanted to turn right finally went to the left of the jack ass and turned right around him.  At least 10 cars did that, which was awesome because finally the traffic was moving.  But then of course other highly intelligent left turners decided they didn't want the people turning right to be able to leave before them, so they  moved to the left making two left turn lanes and ZERO right turn lanes!!!!  That was super RIDICULOUS! Next people resorted to driving in the grass to get around the double lane of common senseless, self-absorbed ninny heads.

After all that time we finally made it through and made it home  before any of the left-turners ever made it out of the parking lot.  If only I had a dart gun!

Convicted.... again!

It's tough being a mom.  It's even tougher when some one makes you feel like an inferior one.  That happened to me last week.  It was not intentional, but I felt convicted all the same.  This is not the first time it has happened and I know it won't be the last.  I had some friends over last week to swim and we were all having a good time.  Even our baby was enjoying a little water time.  One of my friends has this adorable, cherub like, cutie-patutie who is about 8 months old.  She was in the pool with him the whole time.  And not pushing him around in a baby float, like me; she was holding him and helping him to try and swim and playing with him.  Half the time I let my friends push my baby around.  I was barely with her in the pool and she spent the whole time in the floatie.  I feel terrible about it.  Three kids in and I've gotten lazy.  I should play with my kids more.  Thank you Mrs. M. for enlightening me.  You're a great mom!  

While I'm mad at myself for getting complacent I'm glad I noticed before it was too late.

Having It All

I don't normally get political or address public opinion, etc, but I have recently been pushed to discuss how I feel about being a SAHM versus a working mom and what I think about "having it all".

"Having it all" is of course possible for women. Lets face it, we're amazing. We can multi-task better than any supercomputer. We can balance making and keeping a home, raising children, and we can conquer the work place. My biggest concern is at what expense.  The concept of "having it all" is heavily focused on the individual; me or I. It's an idea built on a selfish premise. The individual may have the kids, the family, the friends, and the career, but what about the people around her? Do we gyp our family and friends out of a truly deep and meaningful relationship with us because we're far too focused on ourselves? Not to mention the fact that it's just plain exhausting to do it all.  Sometimes we confuse "having it all" with "doing it all".

I am certainly not saying that a woman shouldn't do it all. I do believe, however, that when children are involved things can get a little messy. Children that come from homes where both parents are career driven and work 60-70 hour weeks can and do turn out fantastic. Many parents work those kind of hours and still manage to spend real quality time with their children, but is that really fair?

We want our kids to grow up to be successful. How do we judge success? Is it that they have great jobs and make lots of money or that they dedicate their lives to some cause? By focusing so much on what we do, do we forget to teach our children that who we are is far more important.

My husband travels a lot for work and our kids really miss him. Part of the reason I stay home now is how much he travels and how dedicated he is to his job. When I was younger, I had career goals and worked to be successful in my field. As soon as my husband started his job and we had our first child, I realized that it just wasn't fair for both of us to be so career focused. Our daughter didn't choose to be born, we chose to have her. It didn't matter if it was me or my husband who backed off, but one of us was going to have to let their career "suffer" for the sake of our family. My husband has a real passion for what he does, so it was natural for me to back off.

The other night I had to tell my son that his dad wouldn't be joining us for dinner because he had to work. He looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and said, "Oh man. I miss Daddy." That just completely cemented my thoughts on staying home. My husband spends all his free time with our children and he is a great father; he just works a lot and misses a lot. We could put our kids in daycare or get a nanny so I could work too, but then what happens when both my husband and I can't make dinner. I can't stand the thought of my son's face hearing neither of us would be home for dinner.

We chose to have our children and they should be our priority. They aren't something we should check off on our list of accomplishments. They are human beings that need our guidance to become good human beings. I don't want them to remember their childhood as memories built in between their parent's work schedules. Careers come and go, children and grandchildren are forever.

That does not mean the woman has to be the one to give up or tone down her career. I know plenty of dads who have chosen to put less emphasis on their careers to make sure their family is taken care of. It also doesn't mean that one parent's career has to be over. Raising a family is a full time job and I don't think we should be hiring that job out to carefully vetted strangers.

I'm too lazy to be a good mom

There are some really great moms out there.  You know, the ones that run around with their kids at the park, do arts and crafts with them at home and are seemingly able to put all their wants aside for the good of their children.  I am not that mom.  I don't have the energy.  My poor kids ask me to play with them and sometimes I do, but I just do not have the mental strength to play kitchen, rescue bot or school for more than 10 or 15 minutes a day.  It's not like I ignore my kids, I play with them; just not for super long periods of time. 

I like to take my kids to the park so they can run around and play without me.  I like watching them have a good time while I do nothing.  I tell myself it helps them develop independence.  In some ways it does, but lately I've been wondering if I'm too lazy to be a good mom.  There is more to motherhood than cooking and cleaning and organizing play-dates, but that's the part I focus on.  I enjoy the planning, juggling activities and completing tasks.  Checking something off the "to do" list gives me a huge high.  Shouldn't playing with my kids do the same thing?

More SAHM wear

There's nothing like a trip to an upscale park in the middle of the day to test your self-esteem.  I am truly amazed at how some women always seem to look great.  They wear the latest and greatest SAHM fashion, their hair is perfect and they carry around a couple of equally fashion forward children whose hair never seems to be out of place.  All I can think, is "what shampoo do they use?" and "where can I get some?".  I guess some people are just born with that kind of hair.    Seriously, these women were all in yoga pants, cute little tops, puff vests and fabulous tennis shoes.  Their hair was perfect and their children looked like Baby GAP models.  I'm not saying that they should come out looking like they rolled out of bed, but a little consideration for us under-fashionable would be appreciated.  I didn't wear my sweats or anything like that.  I wore a nice pair of jeans with a long-sleeved shirt.  I was clean and blow dried and so were my children.  And yet I felt like I was physically inferior.

It's difficult for me to understand the "fashion" mom.   They stay home just like me and even though they aren't wearing elastic wasted mom jeans that go up to their nipples or white Reebok sneakers with their hair pulled back in a scrunchy, they still have a uniform; yoga pants with North Face jacket and platinum blond hair.  Frankly, I'm too cheap to go out and buy that uniform.  I also feel guilty whenever I buy something for myself especially when jeans go with everything and I have plenty of hole-free, will work for another year T-shirts.  

On a different note, I am going to refrain from falling into the SAHM-wear trap to preserve my personal identity.  When I was working there were all sorts of things that defined me, not just my clothing.  Now that I'm struggling to find my new identity as a SAHM, I think it's important that I maintain my own sense of fashion, no matter how outdated, boring or odd.  I do believe what you wear is a reflection of who you are and I don't think choosing to wear older clothing makes me appear less "in love" with myself or less mindful of how people perceive me.  I'm clean, I don't think I smell and most of the time my clothing matches.  I would hope that people can see past all the superficial stuff and see a mom whose priority is her family, friends and neighbors.

A well deserved break

What a Thanksgiving!  It was truly relaxing and fun.  Because I am a SAHM now, I was worried about never getting a vacation again.  But this last week, I really got a chance to "get away" from my job.

My mother-in-law came to celebrate with us.  She played with the kids while I got things done (or did nothing).  It was awesome!  I have to admit I was pretty bad about letting my husband do the lion's share of work with the kids too.  I laid in bed in the morning until my husband got up to take care of the baby.  I even slept until 8AM a couple of mornings.  He put the kids to bed almost every night and made the kids lunch most days.  It was super nice to not be the primary care giver all day long.  I was able to get some house work done and relax.  And I mean really relax.

My kids have really benefited as well.  I'm much calmer with them and have been way more patient.  I feel a little more like myself and a lot less frazzled.  I feel bad that my husband spent his time off catering to the kids, but I think he'll forgive me.  I am very excited to have discovered that it is possible to get some extended time off from being a SAHM without leaving the house.

Why I can't lose the baby weight!

It rained this morning.  It rained a lot this morning.  Fortunately that made it possible to check the work the roofers did earlier in the week.  Unfortunately, it revealed that they didn't do a good enough job, as there was water dripping from my ceiling.  That wasn't too bad.  I called the roofer and the owner personally came over and took care of the problem.  

While I was getting towels and buckets to try and minimize the mess, I was also trying to get my oldest ready for school.  I love my daughter.  She's fantastic, but she's about as fast as frozen molasses.  It took FOREVER to get her dressed.  Then, my son woke up soaked in pee.  It was everywhere.  He starts sleeping in his bed and eventually ends up on the floor, so his sheets, blankets, stuffed toys and carpet smelled of 4 hour old urine.  That, coupled with my daughter's snail-like qualities lead to her eating breakfast on the way to school, with me having no breakfast at all.  

I needed to go to the grocery store right after dropping my daughter off because I had an appointment later in the afternoon that I could not miss and we were desperate for the 6 things on the list.  Of course, as soon as I got my daughter to school, I realized I forgot the list.  I decided to go back to get it because we really needed everything and I didn't want to forget a thing.  I got the list and off we went on our 15 minute journey to the grocery store.  

As soon as I parked, I realized I forgot my wallet.  So we drove all the way home to get my wallet because we really needed the groceries.  30 minutes later we're finally at the grocery store.  I have to get everyone out in the pouring rain.  We jog inside and as soon as I get the baby in the grocery cart, I realize she has pooped all the way up her back!  Needless to say, as soon as I got home I nearly polished off a package of double stuffed Oreos.  And that's why I can't lose the baby weight.

Alone is but a dream

Why does being a SAHM mean I can never be alone unless I leave the house?  When I was working I could come home and work on some project, or read or just be without some one constantly needing something from me.  All of a sudden my children are unable to function unless they can ask me a bazillion questions every hour.  Sometimes they just want to tell me what they are up to, which is super cute.  But really, I would love to be alone.

I've gotten some mommy time-outs, but I always have to go out.  Sometimes I just want to be LEFT alone.  I should be able to read a book in my house.  I should be able to watch TV in my house.  I should be able to cook alone in my house.  I should be able to pee alone in my house.  Right now the best I can do as far as an activity is Sudoku on my phone.  It's perfect because I can stop it whenever and the kids can interrupt.  Unfortunately, Sudoku is only entertaining for so long.  Occasionally I get to write something, but that only happens when the kids are in bed.  Most of the time I'm trying to catch up on what I didn't get done when the kids were awake, so I have very little time for the fun stuff.

The fact that my kids really want me to be involved in their lives is a nice side effect of being a SAHM.  I knew my kids before, but no where near as well as I do now.  My son even calls me his best friend.  I'm trying not to begrudge this too much because I know in a blink they'll be gone.  I'm still struggling to figure out who I am now that I'm a SAHM and I would like to be more dynamic. 

Why does it never happen to HIM!

The story I am about to tell is not unknown to millions of parents around the world.  Poopy, wet, smelly things happen to everyone, but in my house it just doesn't seem to happen to my husband.  It's like the children wait for him to be gone.  Of course, it may just be my imagination and underlying martyr syndrome that makes me feel this way, but it really doesn't ever seem to happen to my husband... at least not all at the same time.

First, my baby pooped her pants.  No big deal really.  It literally happens all the time.  This one was a little smellier than usual, but no big deal.  As I was starting to take care of it, my newly potty-trained son came in and announced that he not only peed his pants, but also pooped in his pants.  Again, it's not like this sort of thing hasn't happened before, but he was in underwear.  Yuk!  So, I finished with the baby and went with my son to his room so he could show me where the mess was and we could get his pants, socks and underwear off.

Unfortunately, I placed the freshly changed baby right on top of the biggest wet spot!  I then proceeded to carefully take the soiled 'Mater' underwear off my son.  Truly a fun job when the whole time he's trying to get out of them as fast as possible, and I'm trying to keep the poop in the underwear and off the floor and his legs.  I got to rinse the underwear out in the toilet; always my favorite job and then throw the boy in the tub for a good cleaning.  Once that was done, I got to change the baby out of her pee covered onesie, into something a little dryer and a lot less smelly.

And then I went to make lunch!

I figured it out!

Lately, I've been struggling with wanting some alone time.  I've gotten out of the house alone a couple of times in the last 2 weeks, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.  I really just want to have a good 4-5 hours, in my house, doing what I want.... no interruptions.  I struggle with this, because it doesn't make sense.  The children have quiet time during the day and they do go to sleep at a very reasonable hour at night.  My husband travels for work, so I have opportunities to be alone then.  So why do I feel like I constantly have some one around, watching me?  The answer is simple, because I do!

My kids have 1-2 hours of quiet time every afternoon during the baby's nap.  Which should be plenty of time for me to accomplish what I need or to just relax.  Unfortunately I end up chasing one or both of them back to their rooms every 20 minutes or so.  Therefore, it is virtually impossible to get anything done, take a nap or even just sit in silence.

Even when my husband's out of town and the kids are in bed, I am the ever vigilant ninja waiting for a child to try and escape their room.  I expect the mild heart attack caused by a little face at 3AM.  I expect the relentless advances to break down my defenses that prevent children from sleeping in my bed.  And even when I relent and let them stay in my bed I end up getting poked, jabbed and kicked all night, culminating in the ever predictable 5:30AM call for breakfast.

So other than the rare excursion away from the house, I am NEVER alone.  There is always the opportunity for some one to talk, touch, beg, ask, annoy, whine or love on me.  The other night, my husband and I were watching a movie and I practically jumped through my skin as I caught a glimpse of my daughter's profile out of the corner of my eye.  I've been surprised by a cute little face popping in the shower, I don't know how many times.  I've slammed bathroom doors on cute little toes and slept on the floor next to their beds to prevent giant hippos from eating them (I don't know where they thought of that).

The reason I feel like I never have any alone time is because I am on guard, 24/7, waiting for whatever they may come up with next.  It could be a book they want to read, a movie they want to watch, some one may have touched some one else, or they may just be lonely and want a hug.  Whatever the reason I feel I must be prepared to act and act now.   I am never truly off duty. 

Even when I do get away, I feel guilty about it.  My husband works hard all day.  It's not like he's out golfing or fishing.  When he's not at work, he's at home with us.  Why should he have to stay and face the continuous onslaught alone? 

Really I think I would be OK if I could just get the kids to stay in their rooms during quiet time.  I am currently in the process of designing a reward/punishment discipline to make "quiet time" more quiet.  I've got my fingers crossed!

Mom's time out

After two dirty pull-ups, four dirty diapers and some immense 7 year old attitude I needed a time out!  I was super cranky with a terrible headache.  All I could think about was getting away. We've had a lot of visitors lately, so my house was a disaster and I was feeling completely overwhelmed by everything I needed to do.  I had my escape planned.  As soon as we finished dinner, I was going to kiss the kids and my husband and leave.  I didn't know where, but I was going to be alone.  I even called a fellow SAHM, who I thought could use a time out as well.  Unfortunately she was not able to get away, but we made plans for another day.

As soon as my husband got home I informed him of my plans and he said the most incredible thing I've ever heard.  He said, "Why don't you go now?  Stay out as late as you like and I'll take care of the kids."  That's right he said it; while the baby was crying!  I didn't give him ten minutes and I was out the door.  It was the best two hours.  I ran a few errands and ate dinner alone.  It was AWESOME.  I got to eat my whole meal, all the way through without getting up.  There were not trips to the fridge for juice, or seconds or dropped forks.  Then I treated myself to a wonderful shake and a 30 minute uninterrupted talk with my best friend.

Even though my time out was very relaxing and just what I needed, I couldn't help but feel guilty leaving my husband at home.  I don't know why.  I stay at home with all three kids everyday.  He's perfectly capable of taking care of the kids.  They are his too.  Yet, I couldn't help but feel bad.  When I got home I found out the baby cried the whole time I was gone.  But we took care of that, I kissed the kids goodnight and went to sleep.  Best time out ever!

More or Less?

Transitioning from being a working mom to a SAHM has been an exercise in balance.  For me, being a working mom meant having more money and less time with the family.  Staying home has meant less money and more time with the family.  Oddly enough staying home has also meant less time for me.  When I was working I felt like I had more control over what I did all day long.  Currently I feel like my life revolves around everyone else's needs and wants.  Not that my life should revolve around me, but it would be nice to have some control over my day.  I know some of the imbalance comes from having a third child.  A baby requires a lot of attention and your schedule is dictated by them.  But when what's left of my life is dictated by the rest of my family it's just too much.  Some days it feels like the walls are closing in around me and there is no escape. 

It has been very tricky to maintain the balance between household duties and family.  For example, today I was finally able to get all the stuff laying around the house put away and was able to sweep and vacuum.  My house finally felt clean.  I felt great getting all that done, but I feel like I ignored the kids all day; even though I took them to the library, read them books and just spent some good quality time with them.  Reciprocally, when I spend most of the day playing with the kids I feel guilty that I haven't done more around the house.  It's ridiculous.  I'm my own boss and I'm dissatisfied with my job performance.  What is wrong with me?

While I have less time and patience, I do have more mess.  It is unreal what my children can do to a house in one day.  They have always been good at making a mess, but now that they are home all day everyday, it is out of control.  When I go upstairs to nurse the baby, I just pray that the house will still be in one piece when I'm done.  The other day there were literally toys littering every surface of the house.  No room was spared!  There were blankets hanging off doors, crayons on the floor and stuffed animals all over the place.  I stepped on cars, doll clothes and found Play-Dough in places no one should ever find Play-Dough.  And somehow they managed to do all that BEFORE quiet time.  I managed to get the kids to clean it all up, but it looked just as bad by the next afternoon.

I am working on finding a balance that works for my family and me.  Progress has been made, but there is a lot of work left to be done.

Seriously, I'm only one person!

My daughter's last day of school before summer and I dropped her off in my pajamas.  I almost made it to the end of the year, but today I just could not get ready in time.  Thank goodness my dad was with us because we actually got her to school a few minutes late and she needed to be signed in.  Normally I would have no problems going into the school in my PJs, but the school was having their 5th grade graduation this morning and I would have had to walk through all the parents and grandparents who were there for the ceremony.  While I totally would have done it I'm afraid it would have really embarrassed my daughter and my husband if he were to find out.  Even my father, who NEVER gets embarrassed about anything,  seemed to be upset about my mismatched robe and PJ attire.

It's not that I couldn't have gotten ready.  In fact if I had ignored the things that I needed to do and just focused on what everyone else needed I would have had plenty of time.  Unfortunately, I have mastitis and I HAD to pump after feeding the baby.  Unfortunately, that made it impossible to turn the TV to the channel that my son wanted, to help my daughter get her stuff ready for school and of course impossible to put some clothes on; that is if I wanted to eat and go to the bathroom.  I could have gotten up earlier, but last night was rough between the baby fussing and the dog vomiting everywhere, I just didn't get much sleep and the idea of getting up at 6 was just not appealing.  As it was, I rushed through breakfast and barely got my son and daughter dressed before it was time to go.  I don't know why I feel so overwhelmed.  I have time to get done what I need to do, but I have no time to get anything done for me.  I've even been interrupted while writing this no less than 5 times.  I guess that's just the life of a SAHM.  Unfortunately It's very frustrating and I am not the best person I can be when I'm frustrated.

I felt really good yesterday.  I managed to get some areas of the house cleaned up and even got some errands done.  But it wasn't enough.  I feel like to make everyone happy I needed to have done more.  But I am just one person.  I can't do everything that everyone wants.  I can't do everything that I want.

I know it's selfish to want to do something for myself, but sometimes there are things that I have to do.  I need to learn how to balance or I'm going to be one angry mama.

My Life is Not My Own

It has finally hit me.  The part of being a SAHM that I was most afraid.  I am bored.  I seriously hate to say that because I firmly believe that if you are bored you are a boring person.  So, I guess I am a boring person.  I can't even entertain myself anymore.  Everyone has to do things they don't want, but I can usually find something entertaining about any chore.  Even if it's just dancing to some song in my head.  Right now, there is no music.

Some of my issue has got to be pregnancy hormones because I can cry at the drop of a hat and I'm definitely overly sensitive.  This last week has just been stifling.  I feel trapped and extremely limited.  Part of the problem is that my two year old son is acting like a two year old and needs constant discipline and attention.  Therefore, my day is almost completely dictated by my son.  If I'm not doing exactly what he wants, I end up disciplining him for acting out.  Since I am not willing to do exactly what he wants all the time, I end up spending my day putting him in time out.

It feels like I'm stuck doing what other people want to do ALL DAY LONG.  All I wanted to do today was go for a walk.  Did that happen?  Of course not.  I took my son to the grocery store with me this morning and he was wonderful.  I then took him to the library where he participated in a successful bug hunt complete with rubber beetles and magnifying glass.  But then I had the audacity to suggest we go for a walk.  Of course he through a giant fit and instead of a nice stroll through the park, in his riding car, I ended up having to drag him back to the car kicking and screaming.  Then I got to spend the next hour listening to his whining about his punishment for throwing such a fit.  I guess I could have made him stay in his riding car and finished the walk, but that wouldn't be any fun.

I can't go for a walk during his nap.  Not only can I not leave the house, but I have things I need to get done.  I couldn't go before dinner because it took my daughter almost two hours to finish four math problems.  That is not normally the case for her, so it was quite frustrating for both my husband and myself.  I couldn't go after dinner because we had dinner clean-up and bath and bed time.  After bed time it's dark and I don't want to walk at night.  I even got up early this morning to try and get a little exercise in, but of course, the children woke up uncharacteristically early and I ended up playing ref for them.

Things don't get much better after the kids go to sleep.  My husband has been working all day after a horrible night sleep caused by his wife's ogre-like snoring (which, I am told, was at its worse last night).  He then comes home and is super dad, helping with homework and playing with the kids.  All he wants to do after the kids go to sleep is sit and rest.  I haven't done anything fun all day and I unfairly want him to entertain me.

To make things worse, I feel guilty about being so selfish.  My life should not just be about me.  It's just extremely frustrating when all I want is something as simple as a 15 minute walk and it just cannot happen.  And this too shall pass.  I just need to be patient.