Part 4: Dangers of being a SAHM

Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  Part 4: Danger of being a SAHM

There is inherent risk in being a SAHM.  You are putting your entire financial well-being in the hands of one individual.  That is a lot of stress for both members involved and can be the source of a lot of "debate" within a marriage.  There is also the emotional consequences of being a SAHM.  Self-worth is something many moms struggle with leading to low self-esteem and depression.  There is the danger that when you decide you want to return to work, there may be nothing available and the job may no longer exist.

Some of the women interviewed in the New York Times article had difficulties going back to work in media type jobs.  The jobs just didn't exist anymore or no one was hiring.  It's difficult to leave a career for 10 years without it changing drastically; making a person unqualified for many high level positions.  Most ladies who returned to work, did so at lower levels than they left, for a lot less money.  They essentially 'began again'.  I don't believe there is anything a person can do to really combat this.  The world changes a lot in ten years and so do professions.  Even maintaining certifications and licenses would be helpful, but probably not enough.

The emotional toll of being a SAHM can be very heavy.  I still struggle with self-worth and trying to feel accomplished.  Being a SAHM is great and rewarding, but for me, it's still not the same as running the research in a lab.  It's terrible to say, but my children just aren't enough of an accomplishment for me.  Anyone can have good kids, you have to be "special" to be respected and successful in your career.  That kind of approval just doesn't come with being a SAHM.  And learning to adjust to that loss of approval is difficult not just on the person, but the marriage.  The loss of a paycheck can also be difficult to adjust to.  A paycheck is a visible representation of what you're contributing to your the family.  What you do as a SAHM is more transparent and more difficult to assign worth to.

Which brings me to the most dangerous part of being a SAHM; losing your spouse, either by death or divorce.  If something happens to my husband, I have NO money coming in.  That's a scary thought.  The idea of having to look for a job, while grieving the death of my husband, is quite frightening.  Divorce is a whole other issue altogether.  Divorce can be financially bankrupting.  And to add salt to the wound, it could be staying home that begins the unraveling of your marriage!  Many women interviewed talked about hardships in their marriage because they chose to stay home.  It's not easy.  You change, your husband changes, the dynamic of your family changes and that can be difficult to adjust to.  Arguments over who's cleaning the house, or who's job is more important or a loss of interest in your partner can all be very damaging to a marriage.

Motherhood is a 24/7 job regardless of whether you stay home or not.  But being a SAHM means you feel like you never get a break.  Convincing your husband that a 3 day vacation to Disney Land with your children is not really a vacation, can be difficult.  He doesn't get as much time with the kids, so to him, vacation is family time and that's a break from his job.  For the SAHM, it's just another day on duty, only it's made more difficult by the change of location and tired, sugar-pumped children.

The change in employment can make a woman feel boring, and, in fact, your husband may become uninterested in you.  He married a "career" woman with interests and job problems and drama to talk about over dinner.  Once you stay home, a lot of your conversations revolve around the kids or him and that can really reek havoc on some one's self-esteem; leading to more problems in the marriage.  The whole thing is a viscous cycle.

Basically, what it comes down to, is that both individuals need to agree on the SAHM job description and everyone needs to keep talking.  It takes a very strong man to have a SAHM for a wife.  As independent as we can be, we also need emotional maintenance.  It's not easy setting aside your hopes, dreams and basic needs to give your all to everyone else.  One husband said, "What could I have been in 12 years of self-discovery?" and that's the wrong idea entirely.  I'm not on a journey of self-discovery.  I have put aside just about everything that made me, me so I could focus on everyone else in my family.  I'm helping my kids and husband on their journey of self-discovery while I put mine on hold.  I know I shouldn't be doing that and I try to keep activities in my life that make me something more than a mom, but frankly, I have too much to do and not enough time to do it.