You know you're a SAHM if.....

1 - You know what a toilet auger is, and you can use it.

2 - You say things like, "No one is licking anyone's toes!" (that may be a mom thing).

3 - You have a pile of "good" sweats and "work" sweats.

4 - You NEVER pee alone

5 - A vacation is going to the grocery store by yourself

6 - You've ever sat doing nothing while the baby was screaming because your husband was home and can take care of it.

7 - It's not worth doing your hair in the morning.

8 - You know who Sid the Science Kid, Wild Kratts, Jake, Badou, Rollie Pollie Ollie, WareHouse Mouse, Heatwave, Blades, Boulder, Chase, Cody, and Caillou are.

9 - You laugh at the morning and afternoon traffic report.

10 - You have no time to do anything for yourself and even if you do manage to plan something it will get canceled because there's a meeting, or some one gets sick or the house gets enveloped by a black hole.

Ramblings of a Failure

Have you ever failed at something?  I mean, totally, epically failed?  I feel like I have failed in my life.  Everywhere I look I see failure.  I wanted to be popular; fail.  I wanted to be a great tennis player; fail.  I wanted to be pretty; fail.  I wanted to be a successful scientist, well respected and knowledgeable; fail.  I have tried many things in my life with little success.  There was one time I prayed hard to finally be the best at something, and you know what, it happened.  I was the world champion and it felt good.  But since no one seemed to think it was a big deal, other than me, the feeling faded pretty quickly.  My biggest problem is fragile self-esteem.  I put on a tough exterior, but that's only to limit the damage to the interior.

I want to be a good mom; fail.  I try, I'm just not patient enough, caring enough or playful enough.  I'm not happy being a SAHM.  I don't want to go back to work, but staying home can be SOOOOO boring!  My job is to clean and raise children.  Both are unglamorous and unappreciated and completely open to criticism by both strangers and friends.  When my kids act up in public, I think, "Great.  Now everyone knows I'm not doing a good job."  They look at me while my toddler screams.  Yes, she screams and I kind of let her.  Rushing out the door is not always possible and nothing soothes her, so sometimes she screams.

I want to be a good wife; fail.  I'm CRAZY and no one knows that better than my poor husband. One minute I can be perfectly happy moving along in life, the next I'm a snarling, venomous, creature who's curled up in a ball on the floor shaking with furry and covered in tears of regret.  Who wants to be married to that?!  I don't keep the house clean.  I don't have the kids ready all the time.  I forget to take the trash out or call the cable company.  Sometimes, I'm just a mess.  Other times, I've done the work of 10 people in a very short amount of time and it's still doesn't seem like enough.

I want to be a writer; that's a continuous process of failure.  I know it's incredibly difficult to be a published author, but when I can't even get my family and friends to read my blog, I'd say; fail.  I know I need to write more and post more..... but I'm busy being an inadequate mom, wife and friend.

Now after all that nonsense, I have to say that I have not failed at everything.  I have a husband who loves me.  Three kids whom I adore.  We have good food, fun and love.  For that I am eternally grateful and proud.  For everything I have failed in my life, I have succeeded in playing a part in creating a pretty great family.  And I wouldn't trade it for all the career accomplishments or personal acclaim I have longed for.  I need to focus more on what is truly important and less on what I or others consider 'success'.  It doesn't matter if my children have perfect manners everywhere I take them.  If they feel loved, I've done a great job.  It doesn't matter if others acknowledge my accomplishments or gifts.  If I trust in myself and God and continue to do the best I can do; I've been successful.

I'm So Boring!

I'm busy all day, but do nothing interesting.  There's nothing fun in my life.  I clean, cook and play with the kids.  That's it.  It's not that I want to go back to work.  I just want to be interesting.  Diapers, tantrums and homework issues don't even entertain me and it's my life!

People ask me, "What's new?".  My answer.... "nothing."  Every once in a while I've got a new sick kid saga to share, but that's it.  I have nothing going on.  I try to keep the kids healthy and where they need to be.  Keeps me busy, but not very exciting.  

I don't want extra drama or catastrophes, but SOMETHING interesting, like painting my house.  I would love to get some rooms painted.  It's been so cold we don't do anything outside.  I haven't even been out doing yard work.  I have shied away from putting our youngest in a Mom's Day Out program because I feel silly putting my child in a "daycare" situation just so I can do something.  I know that's why they are there and I'm starting to think I may need to take advantage of it.  While I have all day to do whatever, I'm still very limited.  It has to be appropriate for a 2 year old and not happen during the all important nap hours.

My husband travels so much that it's very difficult to join groups.  I can't plan anything until I am 100% sure he'll be in town.  Sometimes that's not until the week of.  I never know when I'm going to need a babysitter.  Even when I do get a babysitter, it can be difficult to get out.  For example, I recently had a dinner planned with some friends from my old work.  I had a sitter lined up and then.... the kids got sick!  Not crazy sick, but they had croup.  Thankfully, my friend was going to watch the kids for me and she agreed to watch the kids anyway.  That's very rare.  She is also a SAHM with three kids and was willing to stay with my sickly kids at the risk of infecting her own, so I could have a night out.  Now that's a friend!

I have a few ideas to get myself out of this rut.  I'm thinking of joining a mommy and me gymnastics class.  It could be fun for both of us.  Also, I have fallen behind on the toddler's baby book, so I think I'm going to try to work on that.  Although the idea of getting out glue, tape, scissors, paper, etc to be able to work on it for about 15 minutes before I have to put it all away does not sound fun.  At least it's an activity!

I have got to get out more!

Grieving the Dream

In a few months I am going to turn 35.  That is such a grown up number.  There's no denying it; I am a grown up.  I have three kids, a mortgage and am approaching middle age (35x2=70).  I know that's a ridiculous thing to say, but that's how I feel.  I am normally a very optimistic person, but right now instead of feeling my life is half started, I feel it's half over.  I feel too old to achieve any of the dreams I have left from my younger years.  

My dreams of being a rock star died at age 10 when I realized you had to be able to sing.  I knew I wasn't going to be a tennis pro when I was 16 and discovered that professional players began playing when they were 6.  My dream of being a medical doctor died when I saw the MCAT (That was just pure laziness.  It's a 5.5 hour test!  Who wants to do that?!).

When those dreams faded away, I wasn't hurt.  I didn't really want to do any those things.  They would have been fun adventures.  That's what I want; the adventure.  Doing something different and rare sounds wonderful.

Now "adventure" seems like nothing but an adolescent fantasy.  I stay home with three kids.  That's what I do.  I can't have crazy, spontaneous adventures because babysitters are expensive and almost impossible to get last minute.  It's difficult to have hobbies when I'm interrupted every 5 minutes.  I know the kids will eventually grow up and I'll get some freedom back, but then I'll be too old.  Again, I know that's a ridiculous thing to say, but it's how I FEEL.  It's over.  The days when a fantasy could possibly come true are gone.

Even though I know it's ludicrous, the idea that there is no chance for me to experience anything fun and crazy anymore is very depressing.  I can't shake it.  I try to focus on the dreams that have come true.  More than anything I wanted to have a loving marriage and beautiful children.  That has happened.  And I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But is it really too much to ask for the CIA to need my help tracking a deadly virus that only I have the ability to stop?  Or that I end up doing a segment on "The Chew" because my food is so amazing everyone wants to know how I do it.  I mean really.  It's not going to happen, but it would be so COOL!

Post-SAHM Depression

I believe there is a depression, similar to postpartum depression that happens to new SAHMS.  I always thought it was strange that in the days before my son was born I was extra emotional and couldn't let go of our daughter.  I would just grab her up, give her a big hug and cry a little.  Turns out, I was grieving the loss of our life as we knew it.  We spent nearly four years with just the three of us and it was about to change forever.  That life, a life I had loved and grown very comfortable in, was going to be gone as soon as my son was born.  The same thing happened right before our youngest was born.  That grief was completely gone however, as soon as the babies arrived and I was elated to finally meet them.

The grief I felt after losing my job, however, still lingers.  It's not terrible and only creeps up every once in a while, like when a friend gets a promotion, my husband publishes a book chapter or a journal article in a crazy awesome journal, or when my children say my husband must be smarter than me because he works and I, to quote my oldest, " just, you know."  For the record, my husband is smarter than me, but that's not the point.  I left a life where I felt large and in charge to start a life where I often feel like the servant.

Some friends of mine have recently become SAHMs and are experiencing emotions similar to the ones I felt almost 2 years ago.  There truly is a grieving process that happens when your life is completely changed, even if you choose that change.  The problem I found is that it could easily slip into a depression; especially if the change is not necessarily your choice.  I had a hard time pulling myself out of my own little pity party.  The world just doesn't put much stock in a woman staying home.  There are some who would say a SAHM is wasting her potential by not working.  Almost 2 years into this gig and I can tell you that's total hogwash.

I am becoming a much better version of myself.  I have become more patient, more caring and have found the value in just sitting with my children and really talking to them.  All of that has made us a much better and closer family.  I don't know that I would have found that if I was still working.  There would be too much to do.  I don't want to fit my children into my life, I want them to be my life.

It's hard adjusting to being a SAHM after being in the workplace.  The opinions of others and your opinion of yourself can really affect how you feel; a lot of times for the worse.  It's important to remember why you became a SAHM in the first place so when you're watching your 20 month old hit her older brother in the head with a plastic phone, you can smile through the screams and the tears and be proud that you are doing what is right for you and your family.

To Clean or Not to Clean

To clean or not to clean, that is often the battle in my house.  I like my house to be clean.  If I had the energy it would be spotless.  But I don't.  A recent article in the New York Times, The Case for Filth by Stephen Marche, discusses the issue of house cleaning in modern times.  He reports something women all over the world already know; women do the majority of the housework.  What I found interesting is that a study found men actually do LESS work now than they did 20 years ago!  So it seems that even though women have taken on more work outside the home, they still do most of the work inside the home.  Interestingly, the study also showed that women are doing less housework as well.  It seems that the female struggle to be equal in the home and workplace has not resulted in men scrubbing more bathtubs, but in less tub scrubbing.... period.

My initial response to this is, "Yeah.  If he's not going to clean it, then I'm not either!"  Unfortunately, that means I have to live in a state of gross.  I love my husband, but his gross-out threshold is way higher than mine.  When I was working, I tried to not clean the bathroom until he did.  About 3 months later, I had to shower in the kid's bathroom.  And my husband still didn't see that there was any problem.  So basically, if I want a clean house, I have to clean it.

At first that doesn't seem fair, but it's my issue.  My husband keeps the house clean at a certain level.  If I'm not happy with that level, it's my job to take care of that.  To be fair, my husband has a lower threshold for clutter than I do.  He hates when the kid's toys are everywhere.  I can handle it as long as the floor underneath those toys is clean.  So when it gets to a point that he's not comfortable with, he cleans it up.

Being the maid is the only downfall to being a SAHM.  I used to have more help cleaning the house, but now that I stay home and my husband works more, it's my job.  I feel like it should be my job.  It would be nice to not have to do it all the time though.  My oldest helps out, but she's only 8.  As the kids get older they'll have to do more, but that's a ways away.  Oh well.  I'll just buy some fancy cleaning gloves and get it done.

Pushing Through

Question:  What do you get when you mix a SAHM with a husband who travels all the time?

Answer:  A lonely, exhausted, slightly loopy, chocolate eating woman who would benefit from a full body massage, a bottle of tequila, a nap and a treadmill.

My husband has been gone almost every week for the last 3 months.  I'm tired.  The kids are tired.  We all miss him very much.  He's doing what he needs to do and I am extremely grateful.  I know it's not easy  being away from us either.

I don't know what it is, but the longer he's gone, the less my children sleep.  Today, the baby finally passed out and took a 3 and a half hour nap after days of 1 and a half hour naps and only 9 hours at night.  The older two are staying up later and getting up earlier everyday.  I think they're down to 8 hours a night.  It's odd how missing some one can affect you.

I'm just craving some adult interaction that goes beyond the daily pleasantries at daycare.  My days are dictated by what my children are doing.  It is very difficult and very expensive to find babysitters, so my activities are limited and now that cold weather is setting in, even trips to the park have been cut short.

Some days I feel captive in my own home.  Even if I had some where to go, I couldn't because some one has practice, or a test to study for, or needs a nap!  It's not that I'm not happy.  It's quite the opposite.  I am surprisingly  content with my life these days.  I just want a little more freedom to pursue some grown up activity.  I don't know what that is yet.  I'm working on it.

Part 3: Socioeconomic Status

Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  Part 3:  Socioeconomic Status

Most of the women interviewed for "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In" appear to be part of families in upper-middle to upper income families.  I wish the authors of the article had interviewed some middle-income women.  Most were still able to put their kids in fancy New York private schools after they quit working.  Those women were easily able to find jobs when they were ready to go back to work because they were able to network within those circles. 

I do not fall into that category.  Neither do most of the SAHMs that I know.  I want to know how women in the middle to lower-middle class feel after 10 years of being a SAHM.  Is/Was it difficult for them to get back into the workplace?  Do they even want to?  Many of the SAHMs I know stay home because what they could earn wouldn't cover the child care costs.  Some have chosen to stay home because they feel it's the right thing to do and are willing to suffer the financial difficulties.  We were lucky enough that my husband's salary was able to keep us at a similar life style, but giving up that "extra" income was not easy.

I stayed home with our oldest when she was 6 months old until she was a year old and it was BO-RING!  We had just moved to a new state.  We had no friends, no family and NO money.  I didn't go to work because I couldn't find anything.  Eventually I ended up working odd shifts at Kmart to make ends meet.  It was awful.  I want to know how women like that feel after ten years of staying home.  The women interviewed for the article went back to work because they were bored.  After their children got old enough to not need constant supervision and their homes were completely remodeled, they needed something else to do.

I want to know what women who opted out of working to stay home, regardless of financial hardship, feel after ten years.  The article does mention talking to some women in this category, but just said they "often struggled greatly" to get back in the work force.  That's important to know, but were they happy?  Many of the wealthy women were not happy or satisfied with their lives.

Those who did go back to work stated they needed more money to save for their children's college education.  Now, I am a firm believer that everyone should get either college educated or get some other technical degree after high school, but I don't think I'm responsible for paying for my children's post high school education.  I hope we're in a position to help, but I think my kids will appreciate it more, if they are responsible for getting it themselves.  The way our economy is right now, we should be more concerned with our retirement.  My husband and I worked hard for our degrees and we're very proud of that.  We may not have gone to Ivy league schools, but our education was still top notch and didn't send our parents or us into a whirlwind of debt.

Luckily most women, regardless of socioeconomic status, agreed that they did not regret their time as SAHMs.  That does give me hope.

Part 2: Sense of Purpose

Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  Part 2:  Sense of Purpose

I can totally relate to the women who said they were searching for a sense of purpose.  When you're working out of the home, there's a sense of doing something big picture; something greater than yourself.  When you're a SAHM, you're with your children, which is awesome but it can feel very self-serving.  You're very focused on your own little circle and you don't think much about the world outside.  It can make a person feel one-sided, underutilized and alone.

One husband who was interviewed continually mentioned that his wife was on a 10- year journey of self-discovery.  I would argue that she was on more of a 10-year journey of self-redefining.  Being a SAHM can suck all the uniqueness from your being.  For me, I lost a large part of my identity, and almost 2 years in, I still haven't figured out who I am.  Face it, when I told people I was a cancer biologist doing research at Vanderbilt University, that was awesome.  Now I say, I stay home and they have know idea what I've achieved in my life.  I'm "just a mom".  It honestly doesn't do much for my self-esteem.  I think it's sad that for me and many other mother's who were interviewed that raising our children isn't enough.  We are all part of the "and" revolution.  We want to be mom "and" a successful member of the work place.

Adjusting to being a SAHM can also play havoc on your marriage.  Things change, rolls change and you have to start all over as a married couple.  It was very difficult for me to go from a very demanding job where I was a leader to a different very demanding job where I am the leader.  The difference being the former was controlled by me, the latter is a daily roller coaster ride where I have virtually no control.

The world today values money and making money.  Staying home to raise a family is not viewed as a "worthy" choice.  It's hard enough when you struggle internally with self-worth, but when the world and maybe even your family feels you should be doing more with your life, the struggle can turn into an all out war.  The notion that we can "have it all" has morphed into we should "do it all".  That's a lot of pressure for anyone.  I have chosen to put my past in the past.  It was something I did, that I'm proud of.  But it's a life I will likely never return to.  Being a SAHM has forced me to find my self-esteem in who I am and not what I do.  I am not saying that staying home is not a worthy profession, but even that job will end some day.  The kids WILL move out eventually and I'll have to start over again.  Ugh.

A New Way of Thinking

I have been a SAHM for almost 19 months now and I am definitely getting used to it.  It's nice.  My days are open to take care of all the errands, so our evenings are free for us to hang out as a family.  I've enjoyed getting reacquainted with my kids and getting my house back in order.  I really thought I was comfortable being a SAHM and everything that goes with that, and then my son started preschool.  My husband usually drops him off in the morning, but when he's out of town I do.  I show up at the same time as all the other parents, only they are dressed in suits, scrubs, skirts with heels and I'm usually in my workout shorts and top ready to take the dog and baby for a walk after my son is dropped off.

The first day I didn't think much of it.  Maybe they would think it's my day off and I'm hitting the gym.  By the third day I thought, "These people are going to know I stay at home!"  Like it was something to be ashamed of!  I couldn't believe my own mind.  Then I thought, "They think I'm just a SAHM that can't handle her kids, so I drop them off at daycare while I go work out so I can eat bonbons the rest of the day."  Seriously, these were my thoughts.  I felt judged, but the only person judging me was myself.

Yes, I was going to get some exercise, but not so I could eat bonbons.  So I could spend part of my day doing something active that did not involve a broom or rag or chasing a kiddo.  I can absolutely take care of my children without sending them to daycare, but our son is old enough for preschool and we want him to be prepared for kindergarten next year.  It doesn't make me a bad SAHM because he goes to preschool!

I have been having this internal dialogue with myself for a few weeks now and I have come to the conclusion that I am terrible.  Everything I was thinking is what I, at one time, had thought about a woman I saw dropping her kids off for preschool in work out clothes, or able to run errands during the day, or going to lunch with friends.  And the truth is, I was just jealous; jealous and clueless!  Sometimes a mom is wearing work out clothes to drop her kids off because even though she's been up for 3 hours she hasn't had time to shower, so instead of wearing PJs to drop off her kids, she's done the more sensible thing and put on something more decent.  And yes, there is time to take walks and go to lunch with friends, but those things are necessary to have adult conversations.  Sometimes the other people walking on the trail are the only adults I'll see ALL DAY LONG!  Lunches with friends are nice because a person can only eat so much PB&J.  After preparing 3 meals a day, day in and day out, it's nice to have some one else have to worry about all that.

It's amazing, 19 months in and I'm still judging myself.  I guess I'm just jealous.

He's Going Down!

My husband challenged me to a weight loss competition and I whooped him!  I was having the hardest time getting any weight off until he made it a contest.  I hate to lose, so I did what was necessary and I've lost 8 pounds!  And while I love the weight loss the process has sucked!!!!  I downloaded one of those weight loss Aps to help keep track of my calories and it decided that if I was going to lose the amount of weight I wanted I would have to keep to a 1200 calorie a day diet.  What!!??  My normal is somewhere between 2500 and 3000 calories.  For the last 2 months I have mostly kept to the 1200 calories.  I've averaged about a pound a week which means I have about 8 more weeks to go!

In the past I've been able to maintain my weight loss even eating larger quantities.  (I only gain weight when I'm pregnant.)  I hope this is still true now that I'm solidly in my mid-30s and I'll be able to go back to eating semi-normally.  I don't think I'll totally go back to my bad habits.  I actually feel much better these days.  Healthier.  I eat a lot more fresh fruits and vegetables and stay away from all the sweets and limit the bread intake.  You really can eat a lot of food at 1200 calories, you just have to pick the right food.

Advice for Moms of Three

Listen to me all women who have had three children!  (This may also be true for women with one or two)  Never and I mean never jump on a trampoline.  Your bladder is just not going to hold up.  All that wiggling and jiggling will cause leakage to happen.  Now I was lucky;  I relieved myself prior to jumping, but that didn't help much.  Oh well, lesson learned and hopefully you can learn from my experiences.  

Learning to Balance

Keeping my "work" life and my "home" life separate has been quite a struggle since I became a SAHM.  But thanks to my husband and our new puppy, I'm starting to find some balance.  As a SAHM, my life is my home.  My work is my home.  So I never really get away from work and I never get away from home.  The challenge, therefore, is to make a life within my work.  What makes that more difficult is that I don't want my life to consist only of my children and my house.

A few weeks ago, my husband challenged me to a weight loss competition.  I've had a difficult time getting the last 12 or so pounds off and he wants to lose some as well.  We're both pretty tired and lack motivation, so the opportunity to "win" was just what we need.  I hate to lose and more importantly, I hate to lose to my husband.  So, all I can really say is it's on!  My will power and self control have been reenergized and he's is going down, but I'll discuss that more later. 

I know the only way to beat my husband is to have unfailing will power and to exercise.  Nothing major, but certainly more than I've been getting.  Fortunately, our new puppy has a lot of energy and nice long walks are just what she needs to help settler her down.  An added benefit is how I feel when I'm walking the dog.  It's been so hot here, that the best time to walk is super early in the morning, so I go by myself while everyone else is in bed.  Getting up that early is pretty crummy, but totally worth it.  I've been able to be myself away from kids.  I've been able to think about things, UNINTERRUPTED for 30-60 minutes at a shot.  It's quiet and peaceful and I'm starting to feel like my old self again.

It's nice to have something that is all mine.  I don't have to share it and I can do, say and think pretty much whatever i want.  I had no idea what I really needed was time with me and my crazy thoughts.  An added bonus is that I have managed to lose some more weight and have cracked the 150 barrier!  

Family Reunion

I had a wonderful dinner with the girls from my previous job the other night and it was awesome.  The five of us spent many, many, many hours over 7 years, together, in the same room laughing, crying and yelling at each other.  Seeing them again made me realize just how much I miss that camaraderie.  We swapped stories and caught up on all the news.  We're  certainly a diverse group with a Westerner, an Islander, an Indian and two Southerners; we range in age from 23 to 34; some are married with kids and some are single.  And yet we have tons in common and enjoy being with one another.

For half a millisecond I thought about how great it would be to be at work again.  But then I remembered that work is more than just hanging out with those ladies.  It means experiments that don't work, funding problems, arguments over methodology, and on and on and on.  I'm SO over that.  

We were together so long I view them more as family than friends.  And as dysfunctional as we all are, I would do anything for any of them as long as they don't ask me to go back to work.  I have no commute, no boss (at least not in the conventional way) and no work stress; just family stress, which I'd have anyway.  I love being a SAHM and I think it's going to stay that way for a while.

Spontaneous Affection

The last week or so has been pretty challenging with my kids.  They had Vacation Bible School every evening and the increased activity made them CRANKY.  My son has been feeling his nearly 4 year old oats and is testing every single boundary we have given him.  The baby was woken up from her nap almost every day which makes her extra fun to be around and my oldest is still adjusting to having me around all the time, telling her what to do.  To say the least, it's been challenging.

This morning while we were getting ready for church my daughter came in, gave me a big hug and said, "You are the greatest mom in the whole world.  I love you."  I'm not ashamed to say it melted my heart.  For every one of those sweet statements I get about 50 telling me how mean or unfair I am.  And yet somehow, that one unsolicited, genuine show of affection makes all the negative mean stuff vanish.

Just a few minutes later, I was on the floor putting on my shoes when my son came in to say good morning.  We were exchanging some early morning pleasantries (a big squeezy hug and collection of kisses) when my husband called him back to his room to get his shoes on.  I'll never forget his face, he looked toward his dad, then me and in the blink of an eye, decided before he could leave, he needed to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek I have ever had.  I nearly cried.  There was no reason for it, he just put his hand on my shoulder, leaned over and planted one on my cheek.

We have pretty good kids, but they have their moments just like any other children.  Now that I stay home, I get the full brunt of their frustration.  Mornings like today keep me going.  Maybe it takes all the whining, crying, fighting and talking back to truly appreciate those little moments.

A Grown Up Lunch

My friend and I often lament at how we no longer get to eat out at nice places.  Our husbands get to eat out at some of the nicest places in town once or twice a week for work while we get to indulge in peanut butter and jelly and the occasional McDonalds or Chik-fil-A.  It's not that we're angry that our husband's get to eat out, it would just be nice to have something a little more adult.  I fancy myself something of a cook and I'm brave enough to try just about anything.  But it's difficult to want to do all that work just for me and my son when I know I'm just going to have to cook again for everyone else later.

The other day I was watching Mario Batali on "The Chew" making gnocchi.  I have often heard about gnocchi, but never knew what it was.  Turns out it's just a potato noodle.  I make noodles all the time, so I thought, "I can do that".  Then he made this fantastic looking sauce with just red onion, pancetta and tomato paste, and again I thought, "I can do that." 

So I called my friend who is a little bit afraid in the kitchen and invited her to join me in a gnocchi experiment.  Later that week she came over and while our kids played, we cooked.  It was fun.  We got messy, but in the end we had successfully made a yummy lunch, complete with a fabulous strawberry, almond side salad with a wonderful honey vinaigrette made by my friend.  Even though there were dishes to do, it was very nice to have a "grown up" lunch.

It's taken over a year,  but I think I'm finally learning to have some fun outside of my children, while my children are present.  It takes some extra planning, but it's totally worth it.

Taking it Personally

I am the type of person that judges my day by accomplishments.  I love to make a list and check the items off one by one.  It's a great high.  In my old job, people appreciated my ability to check a bunch of things off a list.  And appreciated more, how well I accomplished those jobs.  Now that I'm a SAHM I still have lists and get the high of checking items off.  What I don't necessarily get is the appreciation.  For instance, I spent hours cleaning, sorting and organizing my daughter's room.  It was Be-A-U-tiful!  Within a few days she decided she didn't like it and rearranged everything.  I'm talking took books off her bookshelf and piled them in her suitcase and other random bags because she wanted to use her bookshelves to hold her doll clothes.  Frustrating to say the least and a little insulting.  She's only 7, so it's not like she's doing it on purpose.  I was just very proud of the job I had done and in the blink of an eye it was destroyed.

I'm having to work really hard and not letting my feelings get hurt.  We reorganized my daughter's room and this time I made sure she helped and had input as to where things should go.  So now, we're both proud of how it looks and she's working very hard at keeping it nice.  Where I felt a sense of accomplishment the first time I cleaned her room, now we're both excited and I feel extra kudos for learning to be a better mom.

This mom thing really is a thankless job.  No matter how many times I put the toys away, I know I'm going to have to do it again, and again, and again.  I take pride in my job, whatever it is and right now I'm a SAHM.  I want to do my best everyday and so I will continue to put the toys away, to put the books away and whatever else I have to put away.  I'm pretty sure my family appreciates what I do, I just wish I didn't have to keep repeating myself.  

On top of being the family's social secretary, I'm also the cook, taxi, maid, landscaper, pool boy and stylist.  Is it too much to ask that my family put me on a pedestal?

Always the bad guy never the crazy circus fun

I have found that one of the biggest side effects to being a SAHM is that I'm always the heavy.  It's not my husband's fault; I'm just alone with the kids more.  I'm the one who has to break up fights, make people practice piano, call them in from outside, cut the fingernails and uphold the punishments.  While on vacation I left the two oldest with my husband and they didn't even care.  It really hurt.  I asked for a hug because I wouldn't see them for a few days and they couldn't even be bothered to get off the couch.  They just said, "See ya', mom", and that was it.  Not even an "I love you".

My husband goes to work for the day and when he comes home, they practically throw a parade.  It's about 3 minutes of screaming, "Daddy's home!  Daddy's home!".  He can barely walk in with all the children blocking the door.  Even the baby.  She gets a glimpse of him and tumbles end over end trying to crawl to him while waving her arms in joyful hysteria.  If he leaves the room they ask where he's going and how long he'll be gone.  The kids break out in dance for me too, only it's when I leave the room.

I know it comes with the job, it would just be nice to be greeted with hugs and kisses and smiles instead of sighs, rolling eyes and whines.  They seem to think every time I open my mouth I'm going to be giving them bad news.  If I greet my daughter at her bedroom door in the morning, I get rolled eyes and an "I know, time for a shower".  Just a year ago, she would have said, "Hi Mommy.  Good morning." and given me a giant hug.  No more.  Now I'm the rule monster.  Oh well.

I'm too lazy to be a good mom

There are some really great moms out there.  You know, the ones that run around with their kids at the park, do arts and crafts with them at home and are seemingly able to put all their wants aside for the good of their children.  I am not that mom.  I don't have the energy.  My poor kids ask me to play with them and sometimes I do, but I just do not have the mental strength to play kitchen, rescue bot or school for more than 10 or 15 minutes a day.  It's not like I ignore my kids, I play with them; just not for super long periods of time. 

I like to take my kids to the park so they can run around and play without me.  I like watching them have a good time while I do nothing.  I tell myself it helps them develop independence.  In some ways it does, but lately I've been wondering if I'm too lazy to be a good mom.  There is more to motherhood than cooking and cleaning and organizing play-dates, but that's the part I focus on.  I enjoy the planning, juggling activities and completing tasks.  Checking something off the "to do" list gives me a huge high.  Shouldn't playing with my kids do the same thing?

Practice Makes Patience

It finally happened.  After 3 years of school I was able to sit at the kitchen table and calmly go over my daughter's homework with her.  And not just any homework; math homework.  At least I was able to stay calm.  My daughter was not so appreciative at my attempts to help her.  She has shunned numbers since her early days in preschool.  I think she's perfectly capable of doing math, we just haven't figured out her learning style.  I've been working on a few ideas to try and help her and decided to implement them tonight.  Unfortunately, my daughter was not overly receptive and after a break down on her part and a little time to calm down she did it and I think maybe understood the concepts a little better.

What was really exciting for me was that my husband was there to watch the miracle take place.  He watched me stay calm as my poor daughter struggled to understand.  Normally, when my daughter is having difficulties I get very frustrated and get angry when she yells at me out of her frustration.  Tonight I was able to just listen.  There was no boiling blood, no ringing ears and no raised voices.  I was able to comfort her in her confusion and it was wonderful.  By staying calm I was able to figure out what was wrong and help her feel better about herself.  That never would have been possible if I was still working.  It's seems odd but  having to deal with my children all day, every day has taught me to calm down.  It's taken a whole year, but I've finally figured out that it's not personal and there is no point in getting angry.  It just makes everything more difficult

The best part, was when it was all over she looked at me and said, "You're the best Mommy in the whole world."  I wish that were true.