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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Ramblings of a Failure

Have you ever failed at something?  I mean, totally, epically failed?  I feel like I have failed in my life.  Everywhere I look I see failure.  I wanted to be popular; fail.  I wanted to be a great tennis player; fail.  I wanted to be pretty; fail.  I wanted to be a successful scientist, well respected and knowledgeable; fail.  I have tried many things in my life with little success.  There was one time I prayed hard to finally be the best at something, and you know what, it happened.  I was the world champion and it felt good.  But since no one seemed to think it was a big deal, other than me, the feeling faded pretty quickly.  My biggest problem is fragile self-esteem.  I put on a tough exterior, but that's only to limit the damage to the interior.

I want to be a good mom; fail.  I try, I'm just not patient enough, caring enough or playful enough.  I'm not happy being a SAHM.  I don't want to go back to work, but staying home can be SOOOOO boring!  My job is to clean and raise children.  Both are unglamorous and unappreciated and completely open to criticism by both strangers and friends.  When my kids act up in public, I think, "Great.  Now everyone knows I'm not doing a good job."  They look at me while my toddler screams.  Yes, she screams and I kind of let her.  Rushing out the door is not always possible and nothing soothes her, so sometimes she screams.

I want to be a good wife; fail.  I'm CRAZY and no one knows that better than my poor husband. One minute I can be perfectly happy moving along in life, the next I'm a snarling, venomous, creature who's curled up in a ball on the floor shaking with furry and covered in tears of regret.  Who wants to be married to that?!  I don't keep the house clean.  I don't have the kids ready all the time.  I forget to take the trash out or call the cable company.  Sometimes, I'm just a mess.  Other times, I've done the work of 10 people in a very short amount of time and it's still doesn't seem like enough.

I want to be a writer; that's a continuous process of failure.  I know it's incredibly difficult to be a published author, but when I can't even get my family and friends to read my blog, I'd say; fail.  I know I need to write more and post more..... but I'm busy being an inadequate mom, wife and friend.

Now after all that nonsense, I have to say that I have not failed at everything.  I have a husband who loves me.  Three kids whom I adore.  We have good food, fun and love.  For that I am eternally grateful and proud.  For everything I have failed in my life, I have succeeded in playing a part in creating a pretty great family.  And I wouldn't trade it for all the career accomplishments or personal acclaim I have longed for.  I need to focus more on what is truly important and less on what I or others consider 'success'.  It doesn't matter if my children have perfect manners everywhere I take them.  If they feel loved, I've done a great job.  It doesn't matter if others acknowledge my accomplishments or gifts.  If I trust in myself and God and continue to do the best I can do; I've been successful.

3 comments:

TW Hendersonville. said...

hey I read your blog.
Feedly software keeps me up to date.

Tom W

km said...

You are anything but a failure. Trust me, some people have not forgotten about your world championship. In fact still tell their own children about it. And how many scientific articles have your name and/or work listed in them (several). Lastly, but most important, your relationships with your family and friends show how much you are loved (and by many). Never a failure.

Anonymous said...

You are a blessing to us and are very blessed. Can't ask for much more. Love Mom and Dad