About Me

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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Control Issues

It is so difficult to give over control of your schedule!  I totally freaked out today when all I was trying to do was clean up the kitchen after breakfast; something that should take maybe 15 minutes and it took over 45 because every time I turned around I was asked a question or some one needed something.  The worst part is I had to change peed in pants and underwear and not five minutes after doing that I had to change pooped in pants on the same kiddo!  It was just a little much.

I am a very independent person and now my whole schedule revolves around my children and my husband's lives.  It is extremely difficult for me to get used to.  It is certainly not the fault of my family, it's just how things are now.  I am learning patience, humility and a humbleness that may have been a long time coming.  I always thought I put my family first in my life; now I realize that was just an illusion.  I have been very self-involved for a long time.  Now it's time to let go.

Friday, March 30, 2012

My son's reaction

My son has really liked having me home.  We play a lot and he can eat and sleep to his heart's content.  At breakfast every morning he likes to tell everyone what they are doing for the day.  He says, "Daddy you go to work.  Sister you go to school and I stay home with Mommy!"  The last part he says with a lot of excitement.


Yesterday he did mention that he misses his school.  He had lots of little buddies there that he no longer sees.  And now he doesn't really get to play with other kids his own age very often.  I certainly don't have the structure and routine that he had at Primrose. I have successfully taken him to the library two weeks in a row and built a rocket ship with him.  We have even gone through some picture flash cards that we have, so he is learning a little bit.  I really feel bad about him not having the social and educational interactions he used to have.  His sister is a fabulous big sister and plays with him all the time, but it's just not the same as playing "Ram into each other" with a group of boys.  They really like that game for some reason.  I've decided I need to really get my act together and provide the boy with more structure.  We'll see how that goes.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

They're everywhere!

I find that when I was a working mom they did not bother me.  I ignored them in fact and if I did pay them any attention, I just thought, "Ah, I'll worry about it later."  Later was today.  I've been a SAHM for almost a month and there is no way to ignore them anymore.  They've been calling to me; nagging me everyday, never letting me forget they exist.  They are EVERYWHERE!  I finally couldn't take it anymore.  I fetched the tool I would need from the hall closet and went to work.  At first it was overwhelming.  There were so many of them.  Then I got into a rhythm and before long I was starting to make some headway.  A good hour later I was done, I had conquered my foe..... the cobweb.  Finally my house is cobweb free.  I even vacuumed the tops of all the door jams and the fan blades.  I don't think I've ever done that.  I've always been envious of the clean SAHM home.  Now I know why their homes are so clean.  It's not because they have tons of time on their hands and there's nothing else to do.  They have clean homes because they'd go crazy if they didn't.  The mess is just there, constantly staring you in the face, daring you to try and clean it up.  I just might lose my mind.

Monday, March 26, 2012

My daughter's reaction

Thus far my children have been very happy to have me home.  We are less rushed and I try to come up with fun stuff for them to do.  The other day we were all driving home from church and my daughter asked me when I was going back to work.  I told her I may not go back to work.  She looked concerned at first and just to make sure asked, "So you won't be going back to your old job?"  I told her I was definitely not going back to my old job and may not get a new one.  And then I got a response I was not expecting.


She said, "I want you to get a job at Texas Roadhouse.  Then we can eat there all the time".  My husband is still laughing at that one.

Friday, March 23, 2012

A lonely day

It seems odd that you can have a two year old clutching your leg, begging you to play with him and yet still feel so alone.  That was my day yesterday.  I just felt kind of blah.  The day started out nice enough.  I finally got more than 2 hours of sleep in one shot.  Those darn potty breaks in the middle of the night are ridiculous!  The kids had a happy morning.  I even took my son out to play for about an hour.  We dug holes and drew with chalk.  And if that wasn't exciting enough, when we came inside we read some books, learned about rocket ships and even made one out of an old water bottle.  Sounds exciting right?  


I guess this just brings me back to my selfishness point.  It's not all about me.  My son had a fantastic day.  He loves getting to stay home with mom and I love being with him.  Maybe I've been so focused on being a good SAHM and adjusting to being at home, I haven't spent much time thinking about who the new me should be.  I have often told people that I don't want people to look at me and say, "That's a mom."  There's nothing wrong with being a mom; I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But I don't want to be 100% mom.  I need to find a balance.  Being 8 months pregnant makes that difficult, but I'm going to try.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Twinge of sadness

To this point, my experience as a stay at home mom has been quite nice.  I truly enjoy being with my son all day.  It's been great.  Today, however, I finally got around to putting away all the "stuff" I brought home from work:  text books, pictures, an unbelievable amount of notes, back up drives and calendars (yes, the paper kind).  I kept every calendar I used while working in the lab, all 6 years worth and believe me they have come in handy.  While putting all that stuff away, I started crying and could not stop.  It's like the wound has been reopened.


I miss it.  I miss the ladies and one lone guy I worked with.  They were and are fun.  They made all the stress and disappointment that comes with being in research bearable.  As crazy as it seems, I even miss the work; designing experiments, trouble shooting.  Now all those years of work are held in one drawer of a filing cabinet and one and a half shelves of a book shelf.  Pretty sad.  A big chunk of who I was just got filed and may never be opened again.  

Saturday, March 17, 2012

What is your ten year plan?

Not that long ago, a graduate student I worked with asked me what my career goals were when I was at her stage of graduate school.  The answer could not be more different then where I have ended up.  I love microbiology and infectious diseases.  I'm one of those crazy people who thinks a new epidemic or the discovery of a new disease is AWESOME!  I do realize that people are affected by these new germs, I just find it incredibly interesting.

When I was just a few years into graduate school my goal was to become a virus chaser.  I wanted to be the person who was sent out into the field to investigate outbreaks of known and unknown pathogens.  Of course, Africa was considered ideal because of the variety and severity of diseases that come out of the continent.

In my last year of graduate school I got pregnant and it just didn't seem right to go trapsing around a disease infested rain forest while my child and husband were waiting for me at home.  I still wanted to do research on infectious viruses and eventually head my own lab.  Never in a million years did I think I would ever want to stay home.  I started my postdoctoral fellowship and was on my way.  Then I had our son and life got more complicated.  The 30 minutes to an hour I spent in the car one way to and from work started cutting too much into family life.  The kids were in daycare more than they were at home.  Our daughter would even beg to stay home on weekends instead of going to the grocery store just to be at home.

But I did 9 years of post high school education and have the student loans to prove it.  To leave work seemed like a waste of all those years and my husband would have to pay my loans.  It still seems a little odd to be home when I'm trained to do technical research.  Right now, even though I've only been home a few weeks, it seems like the right place for me.  We're expecting our third child and my husband travels often.  So gone are the dreams of virus chasing; replaced by potty training, Barbies and car pool.  I'm not upset those initial career goals didn't happen; priorities change, life happens and I'm happier now than I've ever been.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Not so secret hiding place

Tonight I rediscovered my favorite hiding place.  I have not used it very often, but it has come in handy several times.  This space is not something I found after becoming a stay at home mom, but I feel it is going to become even more important to me as time goes by.  This evening it provided a much-needed five minute break.

My not so secret hiding place is .... the bathroom.  Think about it.  No one can bother you when you're in the bathroom.  I mean they can try, but there is a lock and everything.  Even your husband will leave you alone afraid he may interrupt some feminine problem.  I keep a Reader's Digest and Guidepost on the porcelain and I can just sit and block out all that is bothering me.  The best part is I can draw some inspiration and calm from those magazines.  After 5-10 minutes I emerge a much calmer, energized mom.

If I get to a point where the kids figure out my secret and start banging on the door all the time, I am not above hiding a pair of noise-canceling earbuds in the bathroom.  I don't know if it's considered good parenting or not to hide from your children, but I think getting away for those 5 minutes just might be more beneficial than detrimental to my children.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Husband say what?

I am what some people may call cheap.  I prefer frugal.  Now that I'm at home all day, I am concerned about just how high our electric bill is going to get, so I have spent the last two weeks running around the house like a crazed monkey turning off lights.  It amazes me how often lights are turned on and left on unnecessarily.  Kids being kids I have had to really work on their bad habits.  Turns out my husband is also an electricity wasting culprit.  I confronted him with the joking tone I often use when I want him to change something, but I don't want to sound too serious.  His response was one of mild irritation, but mostly a pretty funny, sarcastic retort.

He's always got a real zinger waiting for me and while leaving a light on for an extra five minutes is not really a big deal, it does bring to light a true concern I have about staying home.  I want to give all I can to our family and while I know staying home is a huge contribution, it doesn't feel quite the same as bringing home a pay check.  I am capable and have the education necessary to bring more money into our household, so I feel like I'm slacking and not doing everything I can to provide for my family.  I know this is crazy!  Money is not everything and I will never be able to buy this time back.  It's another issue I am going to have to work through.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Selfishness, the belly of the beast

The beginning of the third week and the vacation is over.  I realized today that my biggest issue with being a stay at home mom is selfishness.  Not my kids innate selfishness, but mine.  I am used to having a schedule at work that I made.  I chose what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it.  I even had a blissful 30 min to an hour commuting in the car where I got to choose the music and have adult conversations with people on my bluetooth.  Now my days revolve around my children and my family, not me.  Sadly, I feel it is going to be a rough adjustment.

This week is spring break and I have my daughter and son, ALL DAY LONG.  Which should not be an issue.  I have the kids all day on weekends.  The biggest difference is my husband is usually home, so I am not alone.  Unfortunately today, my husband, through no fault of his own, had to work late and I was alone with the kids for over 10 hours.

Just writing that makes me feel like a terrible mom.  Shouldn't I be able, and more importantly, want to be with my kids all day.  I love them.  Next to my husband, they are the most important people in my life.  But to be honest, I would rather do what I want when I want.  I am not interested in playing games, working on puzzles, or building forts all day.  But that is what they want from me.  I know I am not expected and I should not play with them all day, but it is difficult to say no to their requests, ALL DAY LONG.

The awful part is they really were pretty well behaved today.  Despite my two year old's irrational, giant crying fit this morning, he and his sister were fabulous at the grocery store.  Miraculously there were no fits, no misbehaving and I did not have to ask them to do anything twice.  For that alone I should have made the rest of the day a party, but I just did not want to.  I had to make myself play marble works with my daughter during my son's nap.  I feel horrible that I had to make an effort to spend time with her.  I think selfishness is going to be my biggest challenge as a stay at home mom.  It will take a lot of prayer to get past this one.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Mourning the loss of "The Norm"

I remember when I was expecting our son, how sad I could get looking at our daughter.  She was so cute and fun, I honestly thought I was doing her a terrible injustice by having another child.  Her whole life would be turned upside down and our relationship would never be the same again. I actually cried over the loss of our life together.  That feeling has returned as we have gotten closer to the inevitable arrival of baby number three.

I was looking at our son the other day and noticably sighed.  He is so super cute and funny and is in just the best stage of childhood.  It has been wonderful having the last two weeks to spend good, quality time with him.  I was helping him get his shoes on today when he looked at me and totally unprompted said, "Mommy, I love you."  Melted my heart.

It's odd because I think our daughter will be just fine.  She has already experienced the intrusion of a sibling and, I think, is really looking forward to a new sister.  She will be seven years older than her new sister, which just boggles my mind.  I only have one sibling and she and I aren't even two years apart.

Our boy is the one I am concerned about.  He loves to be the baby and while he loves to dress up like daddy and wants to grow big and strong like him, he is all mine.  Adjusting to a new sibling could be quite difficult for him especially since she's going to require a lot of my time and attention.  I am already thinking of ways to make sure I spend some significant one on one time with him, but I am sad that we (he and I) will never be the same again.  I know he's not going anywhere, but he is my baby.  And now I have to let go of that, a little, and welcome our next baby.

I am amazed at how just when you think your heart is filled to the capacity, it can triple in size.  Right now I am mourning the eminent loss of our current family while anxiously awaiting the transformation to the next.

I feel very blessed to have these months at home with our son and daughter before the baby's arrival:  another pro to being a SAHM.

75MH5APNN9JF

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Update on Worst Case Scenario - bed wetting

Well, eleven days since the 'Worst Case Scenario' post, I can finally say I went 24 hours without wetting my pants!  Oh happy day.  The best part is it coincides with the first time my son went a whole day without wetting his pants!  Different issues, same goal.

Seriously, I was coughing so bad and for so long that I pulled a muscle in my back.  I'm still trying to recover from that.  At least the cough seems to have finally gone away and maybe I can quit doing an underwear wash every 3 days.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Overwhelmed or Overly pregnant?

Well, today was certainly interesting.  I honestly felt like I had a ton of things to do and absolutely no time to do any of it!  How is that possible? I stay at home.  I have hours to get my chores and errands done.

Besides taking care of and entertaining my son, all I had to do was buy groceries, tidy up the two main rooms of the house along with the kitchen, go to a doctor's appointment, take my daughter to her piano lesson and make dinner.  Of course there were other things that I wanted to get done, but most of those could wait.  The list really isn't that long, so what made it seem so daunting?..... I am exhausted!  

I helped my husband with some outside chores yesterday and then had the brilliant idea to get up early and work out with him.  Granted my workout was nowhere near as strenuous as his, but still, I'm a lot bigger than I usually am.  Even that isn't too bad.  I got up a whole 15-20 minutes earlier and pretended my slow stride on the elliptical was a workout.  A 95 year old could have kept up with me.

Tidying up the rooms wasn't difficult either.  It's not like I had to scrub stains off the walls or carpets.  I needed to pick up toys and my son can help.  However, trying to bend over 7 months pregnant is like trying to bend Plexiglas.  It will go, but it always wants to return to it's previous shape.  To make a long story short, picking up toys on your hands and knees takes a lot longer than when you can properly stand, bend and just move in general.

The increased time cleaning up made it impossible for me to have a nap; which these days is necessary and made me even more tired.  Then I got to drive 50 miles round trip to spend 5 minutes with a doctor who seemed far more interested in leaving than talking to me.

On the upside the appointment was quick, so I got to go to Sam's Club to pick up a few things that we needed.  But wouldn't you know it, my debit card has expired and I carry no other card that they accept and I never have cash.  There's nothing like being dead on your feet and utterly embarrassed at the same time.  The expired card led me to the bank.  I hate banks.  Turns out that when we moved TWO years ago and I called to update our address, my husband's information was changed, but not mine.  Therefore, they sent my new debit card to our old address.  At least it hadn't been activated.... and I'll get a new one... soon... I'm told.  We'll see how that goes.

To top it all off, the batteries on the wireless keyboard that I am using to write this blog, died half way through it and I had to walk all the way upstairs to get batteries.  Again, not a big deal, but just another thing to cope with today.  It's just not my day!

On a good note, I managed to stay calm with my children all day and was patient and kind.  That never would have happened if I had worked all day as well.  Another pro to staying home!

Friday, March 2, 2012

One week in, all Pros and no Cons

It has been a whole week at home, so I think it's time to address some of the items on the con list.  First, I am very proud to say that I was showered and fully dressed everyday this week before dropping my daughter off at school!

We finished February living off my husband's salary and the news wasn't excellent.  We can do this we just need to be more focused on where we actually need to spend our money.  The adjustment continues.

As far as a lack of mental stimulation goes, so far I don't care.  This week was pretty much a vacation week with no structure and I must say it is amazing to only have to worry about one job.  I now have 8-10 hours to finish my chores everyday instead of 3 or 4.  And the best part is I don't feel guilty about working on the house when my kids are awake.  I have time to play and to work.  C-R-A-Z-Y!

My husband made it home Wednesday morning and immediately had to go to work.  Really, I think staying at home couldn't have happened at a better time for him.  The poor guy is good at his job and is therefore ALWAYS busy and right now he is moving at full speed.  Now he can focus on his work and then come home and not have to worry about dealing with children and a wife who is equally stressed from a long day at work.  He can come home and be dad.  It has been great and I hope it is helping decrease his stress level.

I am almost 8 months pregnant, so I'm not going to comment on the booty expansion con.  At this point, what happens, happens and one more pound isn't going to make that much difference.

As far as being my son's teacher goes.... he did not do any book learning this week; not unless Sesame Street or Cailloo taught him anything.  He did learn however, that Mom is awesome and that staying home with me is the best thing ever.

As a final note, we did experience one awesome pro today!  We had a very serious set of storms come through and I was here.  I was able to clear out our "tornado shelter", the tiny closet downstairs and pick up our daughter when the school let out early well before the storm hit.  If I had been at work it would have taken forever to battle the traffic to get home and if my husband had been on one of his trips I would have been a nervous wreck trying to get to our kids.

I'm sure I will hit some speed bumps along the way, but right now being a SAHM feels great!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Pink, pink and more pink baby clothes, oh my

I am almost a whole week into SAHMhood and so far so good.  I'm learning to have a schedule through the day; although I have to admit that I'm treating this week like something of a vacation week.  My son is getting to watch more TV than usual and I'm usually taking a nap by 10.  My only real goal is to get one thing done a day.  The problem is I have sooooo many things on my list it is hard to choose.

I have managed to get out all the baby clothes we're going to need.  We haven't gotten rid of anything from our daughter and thank goodness!  Now that we have to get used to a new budget it is very nice to not have to buy much for our next child.  I have lent them out, but since we're not sure how many kids we're going to have I like to get them back.  Some folks have called me crazy storing all those boxes in our closet for seven years and hauling them with us through three moves, but now it is all worth it.

I learned early with our daughter that if you don't put the kid in the outfit, it's not going to be worn.  In our daughter's case she had enough clothes that I could change her three times a day and still wouldn't have to do her laundry but every other week.  There were some adorable outfits she literally wore only 3 or 4 times.  We actually didn't buy her a single outfit until she was almost 6 months old and that was just because we wanted to buy our daughter an outfit.  We were graduate students when we had her and money was a little tight, so it was very nice of our family to help us out so much.

When all was said and done, I had a large laundry basket overflowing with 0-6month baby clothes.  It was literally a fountain of pink.  After having a boy who wore tons of bright blues, oranges, greens and yellows I forgot what a laundry basket of pepto bismol looks like.  Despite the low color diversity, I couldn't help but smile remembering our daughter's cutie little face when she was wearing all those clothes.  Oh how time flies.

One chore down, countless more to go!