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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Monday, April 23, 2012

My Life is Not My Own

It has finally hit me.  The part of being a SAHM that I was most afraid.  I am bored.  I seriously hate to say that because I firmly believe that if you are bored you are a boring person.  So, I guess I am a boring person.  I can't even entertain myself anymore.  Everyone has to do things they don't want, but I can usually find something entertaining about any chore.  Even if it's just dancing to some song in my head.  Right now, there is no music.

Some of my issue has got to be pregnancy hormones because I can cry at the drop of a hat and I'm definitely overly sensitive.  This last week has just been stifling.  I feel trapped and extremely limited.  Part of the problem is that my two year old son is acting like a two year old and needs constant discipline and attention.  Therefore, my day is almost completely dictated by my son.  If I'm not doing exactly what he wants, I end up disciplining him for acting out.  Since I am not willing to do exactly what he wants all the time, I end up spending my day putting him in time out.

It feels like I'm stuck doing what other people want to do ALL DAY LONG.  All I wanted to do today was go for a walk.  Did that happen?  Of course not.  I took my son to the grocery store with me this morning and he was wonderful.  I then took him to the library where he participated in a successful bug hunt complete with rubber beetles and magnifying glass.  But then I had the audacity to suggest we go for a walk.  Of course he through a giant fit and instead of a nice stroll through the park, in his riding car, I ended up having to drag him back to the car kicking and screaming.  Then I got to spend the next hour listening to his whining about his punishment for throwing such a fit.  I guess I could have made him stay in his riding car and finished the walk, but that wouldn't be any fun.

I can't go for a walk during his nap.  Not only can I not leave the house, but I have things I need to get done.  I couldn't go before dinner because it took my daughter almost two hours to finish four math problems.  That is not normally the case for her, so it was quite frustrating for both my husband and myself.  I couldn't go after dinner because we had dinner clean-up and bath and bed time.  After bed time it's dark and I don't want to walk at night.  I even got up early this morning to try and get a little exercise in, but of course, the children woke up uncharacteristically early and I ended up playing ref for them.

Things don't get much better after the kids go to sleep.  My husband has been working all day after a horrible night sleep caused by his wife's ogre-like snoring (which, I am told, was at its worse last night).  He then comes home and is super dad, helping with homework and playing with the kids.  All he wants to do after the kids go to sleep is sit and rest.  I haven't done anything fun all day and I unfairly want him to entertain me.

To make things worse, I feel guilty about being so selfish.  My life should not just be about me.  It's just extremely frustrating when all I want is something as simple as a 15 minute walk and it just cannot happen.  And this too shall pass.  I just need to be patient.

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