About Me

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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

One Year Anniversary

365 days of being a SAHM and I'm ready for 365 more!  If this last week has taught me anything, it's that I am extremely blessed to be able to stay home and take care of my family.  If I had to worry about work on top of everything else that was going on, I would have lost my mind.  It hasn't been easy and I've struggled with and still struggle with issues like my identity and finding time for me, but it's totally worth it.  I had the time and ability to take my children to the doctor and focus only on them without worrying about what I was missing at work.  

I have to admit that these days I do tend to wear sloppy, sweat/work out pants at home.  However, I change into more presentable clothing before leaving the house (usually) and I shower daily.  While my house isn't exactly as clean as I would like, that's really because I don't want to clean.  My son and I have managed to get through 12 letters of the alphabet.  He can identify all 12 and write most of them.  He's learned to cut, draw and has learned concepts such as same, different and opposite.  All because I taught him.  And that feels pretty good.  I was concerned that he would really be missing out and while he has not learned as much as he would had we kept him in Primrose, I feel like he's still learning.

My husband is happy with the arrangement and has been great about putting up with my freak outs.  I think the kids are happy.  I'm concerned that my oldest finds me less interesting and thinks of me as "just" a mom.  My son likes being home with me, but I think would really like more play time with friends his age.  The baby just loves me, so I think that's working out great.  Time has gone much faster with her than the other two, so I'm very grateful to have been able to really see her grow.

My first year as a SAHM was interesting.  I lost my job, had a baby, dealt with countless illnesses and lost our dog.  I'm not sure what year 2 has in store for me, but I say, "bring it on!"

Monday, February 25, 2013

It was almost over

After what can only be described as the most exhausting week of my life, we got to Friday just fine.  I managed to get a school project and make-up work done, I got two sick babies to the doctor and a sick dog to the vet.  My husband was home, the kids were on tamiflu and the dog antibiotics for a urinary tract infection.  I thought one of the most difficult weeks of my life was over.  I survived multiple child illnesses and less than 6 hours of sleep a night all while I had the flu.  I was so exhausted that when my husband walked in the door I cried with relief.  I thought the toughest part was over.  The kids were going to be better soon, the dog would be fine and I would finally get a good night's sleep and a chance to rest.  But life just doesn't work that way.

First of all, that night I had a coughing fit and it took me till almost 1AM to fall asleep the first time.  Then the baby started crying and it took another 2 hours to get back to sleep.  Still, my husband was superman and made sure I got to sleep in.  I went down around 8:30 to find three happy children, our Saturday morning pancake breakfast and a dog who just didn't seem right.  Winston, our dog (whose picture is atop this blog), should have felt better.  My husband and I thought about it and decided to take him back to the vet.  Unfortunately, Winston did not come home and a week that I didn't think could possibly get harder has become practically unbearable.

We got Winston almost 12 years ago from a small farm up in the mountains in northern Colorado.  He had these adorable giant ears and paws made for a dog 3 times his size.  At ten weeks he could only take a few steps before doing a somersault over his ears.  He was sweet, cuddly, loved people, rarely barked, often slept and hated car rides.  He was not perfect.  If he ate the wrong food it could get very messy, very quickly.  He had a fetish for trash cans and would steal food from an unsuspecting kid's plate.  But he loved everyone.  He never met a stranger and I think made everyone feel like they were his favorite.

Right now my chest burns, my stomach is in knots and my heart aches.  I didn't just lose a dog; I lost a friend, a companion, a confidant, a protector and a playmate.  He has been with me almost as long as my husband.  I don't know adulthood without him.  To paraphrase my husband, "Through all the changes in our lives over the last 12 years, he has been the constant."  Winston knew us with no jobs, no kids and no money.  He didn't care where we moved as long as he came with us.

When my husband was out of town he made me feel safe.  He was no guard dog and would more than likely trip a burglar trying to get pet, but I truly believed that if I needed him, he would be there.  Anytime I was afraid, I would remind myself that he was there and he would take care of me.  He was my friend late at night when I had no one to talk to.  He would watch me wash bottles and listen to me talk about nothing.  I don't believe there is a dog anywhere who was cuddlier than Winston, either.  He was so soft.  He would lay next to me so his entire back was up against me, ramming his butt into my legs and then just look at me as if to say, "you can pet me now".

Now everywhere I go in my house I see him.  I remember him.  He should look up at me when I pass his bed.  I close the pantry doors so he doesn't sneak a biscuit.  I forget he's gone and when the realty hits I break down again.  I was vacuuming this evening and I broke down at the thought of never finding his hair on my clothes again.  Although I know that 5 years from now, I'll go to put on a sweater and one of his hairs will be there.  It will be a sweet reminder of the wonderful animal we were blessed to know for such a long time.

It's hard for me to believe that I'm this emotional about losing our dog, but I can't imagine life without him.  My heart is broken.  

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Could it get any worse?

I used to think the worst thing that could happen when my husband was out of town was for me to get sick.  The only thing worse than that, would be if I was sick and wrenched my back while attempting to be "more active" with yoga.  But now that I think about it, I think it would be worse if I was sick with a wrenched back and my oldest was getting over the flu.  And not just getting over the flu, but needed to do make-up work while a book report project was due.  What would make that worse is if my son suddenly became uncharacteristically sick with a high fever.  A week alone would only be more difficult if my poor baby got lonely, because I had to pay so much attention to the other two, that she wanted to be constantly held by me.  And then of course that coupled with carrying my sick 3 year old around would cause my back to hurt even worse.  The absolute last thing that could make a week more of a disaster is if my dog got ill with painful trembling and stopped eating; making me concerned that the poor old dog was dying from heart disease.  Of course, if the dog vomited his medicine all over my carpet that might be worse.  

But seriously, what are the chances that my husband would be out of town, I would be sick and hurt my back, my oldest would be getting over the flu and have a lot of school work to finish, while my son runs a 101 F fever, the baby wants to be held constantly and the dog is crazy sick and might be dying?  It seems like the odds of all that happening would be very low.  And there's no way all that would happen while I was trying to juggle getting windows fixed and insulation installed.  

Today I am tired, but I feel like Super Woman.  If I can survive all that, I can truly do ANYTHING!  I might go buy a lottery ticket.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Why so lonely?

I am almost a year into being a SAHM and in that time I have had some one with me almost 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  The result of that is an almost irrational need to be alone.  Unfortunately the few times I have been alone, I've been lonely.  It's hard to believe.  After the kids went to bed the other night, I went out to get them some Valentines Day treats, by myself.  As soon as I got in the car I felt the need to talk to some one.  It was weird.  As much as I long for quiet when the kids are in the car, as soon as the noise is gone, I feel uncomfortable.  

It's taken me a while to realize this, but it's been happening for a while.  I used to think it was just a desire to speak to another adult, but my husband and I talk all the time.  And it's not like I never get to talk to friends on the phone.  When I went to my Uncle's funeral, I thought I felt funny because I missed my kids.  And I did, but I really just felt lonely.

This has been such a mind-boggling revelation... I am afraid to be alone.  I've even gone to having one of the kids sleep with me when my husband is out of town.  I can't sleep without some one with me.  What a weirdo!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Emotional Eating

My weight loss update is not much of an update.  I haven't lost anymore.  Ugh!  It's really annoying.  At least I haven't gained any and I think my clothes are fitting better.  I'm just going to keep plugging away and I hope to increase my activity level.  A little more will power wouldn't hurt either.

The biggest problem seems to be life.  I'm an emotional eater, so when the kids get sick or are acting up for days on end it's difficult to lay off the snacks and deserts.  The worst part is that I'm in the house all day surrounded by our food.  Even when I'm not hungry, if there's something causing the littlest bit of stress all I can think about is what to eat.  Luckily we don't have much around that does not require some prep.  We almost never buy cookies, ice cream, chips or other snack food.  But I always seem to find something.  My favorite is the stash of chocolate chips I keep in the freezer.  When I feel the need for a hit of chocolate I grab a small handful of those and I'm happy.

The hardest is when my husband's out of town and I really get tired.  It's so much easier to make the kids some mac n' cheese and chicken nuggets than most other healthy alternatives.  And of course, there is always the drive-thru.  I think the best way to combat this is pre-planning.  Before my husband leaves, I'm going to come up with dishes that I can make and freeze in advance, so all I have to do is heat it up.  Hopefully this works.  Spring will be here soon and I very much want to fit back into my cute shorts and shirts.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A note regarding "Food for Baby"

Note to self:  While broccoli is healthy and packed full of nutrients.... it makes a baby's poop smell very, very bad.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Food for Baby

I like to cook.  I find it relaxing, challenging and satisfying all at the same time.  Being home has allowed me to expand my repertoire.  I can take 3 hours to make dinner or start a roast that will take 6 hours - on a work day!  It's awesome.  I have time to look up recipes and try new things.  I even have extra time to experiment with the baby's food.

I started making my own baby food with our first daughter because we were super poor and I could make her food much cheaper than I could buy it.  I continued that with our son and had a lot of fun trying to keep his menu interesting.  Now that our baby has gotten big enough to really try some food I've had fun breaking out of the norm and expanding her palate.  When she first started solid foods one of her favorite "dishes" was when I steamed carrots and apples and then chopped them up together in the food processor.  I know it sounds weird, but she just loved it.  I tried it and it wasn't bad.  Peas and apples are pretty good together too.  Then for some reason she started not liking carrots at all.  That was until I switched from steaming to roasting.  She went absolutely crazy.  And when I added roasted zucchini, sweet potatoes and yellow squash, she got really excited.

She has currently moved past the smashed peas, green beans, etc and is chomping on big bits of food.  She loved when I cored some apples and roasted them for about 10 min.  It made them nice and soft and even caramelized them a little.  The best part was how well they stayed fresh.  Tonight she enjoyed some broccoli with a touch of butter and Parmesan.  I'm not sure where we're headed next, but I know it will be tasty.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

More SAHM wear

There's nothing like a trip to an upscale park in the middle of the day to test your self-esteem.  I am truly amazed at how some women always seem to look great.  They wear the latest and greatest SAHM fashion, their hair is perfect and they carry around a couple of equally fashion forward children whose hair never seems to be out of place.  All I can think, is "what shampoo do they use?" and "where can I get some?".  I guess some people are just born with that kind of hair.    Seriously, these women were all in yoga pants, cute little tops, puff vests and fabulous tennis shoes.  Their hair was perfect and their children looked like Baby GAP models.  I'm not saying that they should come out looking like they rolled out of bed, but a little consideration for us under-fashionable would be appreciated.  I didn't wear my sweats or anything like that.  I wore a nice pair of jeans with a long-sleeved shirt.  I was clean and blow dried and so were my children.  And yet I felt like I was physically inferior.

It's difficult for me to understand the "fashion" mom.   They stay home just like me and even though they aren't wearing elastic wasted mom jeans that go up to their nipples or white Reebok sneakers with their hair pulled back in a scrunchy, they still have a uniform; yoga pants with North Face jacket and platinum blond hair.  Frankly, I'm too cheap to go out and buy that uniform.  I also feel guilty whenever I buy something for myself especially when jeans go with everything and I have plenty of hole-free, will work for another year T-shirts.  

On a different note, I am going to refrain from falling into the SAHM-wear trap to preserve my personal identity.  When I was working there were all sorts of things that defined me, not just my clothing.  Now that I'm struggling to find my new identity as a SAHM, I think it's important that I maintain my own sense of fashion, no matter how outdated, boring or odd.  I do believe what you wear is a reflection of who you are and I don't think choosing to wear older clothing makes me appear less "in love" with myself or less mindful of how people perceive me.  I'm clean, I don't think I smell and most of the time my clothing matches.  I would hope that people can see past all the superficial stuff and see a mom whose priority is her family, friends and neighbors.

Friday, February 1, 2013

The work part

I've decided I really like being a SAHM.  I like playing with my kids and being a real part of their lives.  Last night I was talking to an elementary school teacher and she made a great point.  She spends more time with other people's kids than the parents do.  It's true.  When I was working I barely got to spend 3 hours a night with them and much of that was spent rushing around getting homework done, dinner made, getting to activities and bath time.  There wasn't much time to BE with my kids.  Today I got to make a pretty bad ass tent with my son.  It's awesome, I can't lie.  But I never would have been able to do that while working.  I wouldn't have done it on a weekend because I wouldn't want to clean it up.  Now it's not such a big deal.

The other side of being a SAHM is the work part.  It's not for the faint of heart, the wimpy, the needy or the prissy.  It's the ugly part.  The part where your hands get more than dirty; they get disgusting.  It's the part where your mind goes numb from the endless repetition.  Where there are no Thank yous, pats on the back or promotions.  There is no ladder to climb when you're a SAHM. Where you are is where you'll stay.  I know not everyone likes their job, but at least those people see a paycheck.  On days when I don't like my job, there is often no visible reward.  Sure my kids love me, but they loved me when I worked.  They didn't always appreciate me when I worked and they don't always appreciate me now that I'm home.  That stuff hasn't changed.  What has to change is where I find my self worth.  It used to be that if I was having a hard time at work I could find solace in my family.  If the family life was rough, I had work to escape to for a few hours.  Now, if my work sucks, so does my family life.

A SAHM has to be able to push down her pride and say, "Yes, I will clean up the dishes for the third time today, I will change my 10th diaper, I will clean up those toys (again), even though no one will say thank you, smile or even notice.  I'll get screamed at, whined to and stepped on.  I will do all this because I am a mom and I love what I do!".