About Me

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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Part 2: Sense of Purpose

Response to "The Opt Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  Part 2:  Sense of Purpose

I can totally relate to the women who said they were searching for a sense of purpose.  When you're working out of the home, there's a sense of doing something big picture; something greater than yourself.  When you're a SAHM, you're with your children, which is awesome but it can feel very self-serving.  You're very focused on your own little circle and you don't think much about the world outside.  It can make a person feel one-sided, underutilized and alone.

One husband who was interviewed continually mentioned that his wife was on a 10- year journey of self-discovery.  I would argue that she was on more of a 10-year journey of self-redefining.  Being a SAHM can suck all the uniqueness from your being.  For me, I lost a large part of my identity, and almost 2 years in, I still haven't figured out who I am.  Face it, when I told people I was a cancer biologist doing research at Vanderbilt University, that was awesome.  Now I say, I stay home and they have know idea what I've achieved in my life.  I'm "just a mom".  It honestly doesn't do much for my self-esteem.  I think it's sad that for me and many other mother's who were interviewed that raising our children isn't enough.  We are all part of the "and" revolution.  We want to be mom "and" a successful member of the work place.

Adjusting to being a SAHM can also play havoc on your marriage.  Things change, rolls change and you have to start all over as a married couple.  It was very difficult for me to go from a very demanding job where I was a leader to a different very demanding job where I am the leader.  The difference being the former was controlled by me, the latter is a daily roller coaster ride where I have virtually no control.

The world today values money and making money.  Staying home to raise a family is not viewed as a "worthy" choice.  It's hard enough when you struggle internally with self-worth, but when the world and maybe even your family feels you should be doing more with your life, the struggle can turn into an all out war.  The notion that we can "have it all" has morphed into we should "do it all".  That's a lot of pressure for anyone.  I have chosen to put my past in the past.  It was something I did, that I'm proud of.  But it's a life I will likely never return to.  Being a SAHM has forced me to find my self-esteem in who I am and not what I do.  I am not saying that staying home is not a worthy profession, but even that job will end some day.  The kids WILL move out eventually and I'll have to start over again.  Ugh.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Husband's Got Me Freaking Out!

Response to "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times
Part 1:  Marital issues

So my husband means well and likes to send me newspaper articles that he thinks I'll be interested in.  He sent me this little gem most recently; "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In", an article in the New York Times.  I'm not sure if he read it, but if he did, he and I have two very different take-aways.  He thought it was a good article about women who left the work place to stay home and then after 10 years or so opted to go back to work.  Harmless enough.  Unfortunately just about all the women they interviewed went back to work to save their marriages or to "get back" something they'd lost.  Most were still unhappy even back to work.  Some felt guilty about leaving their kids, others believed they were much happier now that they had a purpose, even if it meant less time with the kids and even less time with their husbands.  

Some of the women wanted to stay home to help their families and their marriages.  Unfortunately it seemed staying home didn't solve any marital problems, and often created more.  One mom in particular had a hard time going from corporate big shot to toilet scrubber.  I know how she feels.  I hate that a big part of my job is cleaning the house.  The kids help out and my husband is great about doing dishes after meals, but I do feel like the rest of the house is primarily my responsibility.  I have a PhD for crying out loud and my job is to clean up four other peoples' nastiness!  The problem was that her husband expected the house to be perfect.  If you don't like to clean that can really make daily life excruciating!!!  It's hard enough staying home when you don't find Barbies and pirates entertaining activities, but when the rest of your time is spent scrubbing; it's really not fun.

Money came up often in the article.  The women they interviewed gave up six figured salaries to stay home.  That's a big cut in pay to get used to.  One husband was distressed that his wife was spending a lot of her time offering her corporate skills to volunteer organizations.  He figured if she was going to work that hard and he was still going to have to do a lot of work with the house and kids, she should at least get paid.  It was as if, there was a feeling of, "if she's going to do something outside the house, she'd better get a pay check".  I thought it was quite wonderful that she was able to help out some good charities.

Although I can understand the husband's point of view.  I know that as a SAHM, I struggle with what my job description really is.  Am I just a mom or am I also the cook, chauffeur, maid, accountant and personal shopper?  When does my day end?  Do I get vacation or should I just be glad I can stay home?  It's very difficult to define those lines and even more difficult for both husband and wife to agree on those lines.  My husband knows I'm busy all day, and he's great about giving me breaks, but we have had some "warm" discussions about this very topic; usually on a day when I'm about to lose my mind.

The bottom line seemed to be that if the couples were already having marital problems, staying home didn't fix them.  Communication with the spouse allowed couples to stay together and work out compromises.  Money and job description seemed to create the most tension.  It's very important before you decide to stay home, for both you and your husband to agree on what your new responsibilities will be and how you will handle adjusting to a new income.  If these areas are already a problem you can still work things out.  My husband and I have been on an "adjust as we go" plan and as long as we're kind to one another, we can always work it out.  Being a SAHM is a stressful, FULL-TIME job.  The better you communicate, the better off both of you will be. 

Stay tuned for more commentary on this article.  It certainly got me thinking!

Part 2:  Sense of Purpose
Part 3:  Socioeconomic Status
Part 4:  Dangers of being a SAHM

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Moms Judging Moms

I think my husband and I do a great job with our kids.  So why do I worry so much about what other parent's think?  My own parents question what we do all the time.  I think mostly because it's a lot different than their style.  For the most part, my children are well behaved and considerate of other people.  I consider that a success to this point in their lives.  I tend to use a wait and see method.  If I watch my kids get in an altercation with other kids, I stop and watch from a distance to see how they handle things.  I figure they'll never learn how to take care of it themselves if I always interfere.  Unfortunately, there's often a different parent who tries to intervene instead of just letting them deal with it on their own.  I don't let them go to fisticuffs or anything, but they need to learn how to handle disagreements on their own.

I also don't run every time my kids get hurt.  I run if I hear "the scream".  Most moms know about "the scream".  It's the sound your child makes when they are legitimately hurt or scared.  Otherwise, I sit back and see what happens.  I feel this is the area where I get the most, "Your child will grow up to be an evil dictator" stares.  For example, my daughter was at her horse back riding lesson the other day and I saw the pony was getting out of control.  He was going faster than she was used to and I could see she was scared.  Her trainer was trying to help her, but she did eventually fall off the horse.  It wasn't a bad fall; it was only about 4 feet and she landed on her booty mostly.  I was standing to see how she was and her trainer and assistant ran out to make sure she was OK.

I could tell she wasn't seriously hurt, so I just watched as she got up.  She wasn't even crying; just scared.  They got  her back on the horse and she finished her lesson.  She was a little sore the next day, but didn't even get a bruise.  There was a mom next to me watching the whole thing and I couldn't help but wonder what she thought of me.  A lot of moms I know would have run out there, grabbed up their kid and left the arena.  There's nothing wrong with that, I just feel that making my kids tough it out will make them more resilient in life.  Don't get me wrong, I gave my daughter lots of hugs and kisses after her lesson and told her how proud I was that she got right back on.  Falling off a horse is the perfect metaphor for life.  You fall off;you get back on.  Sometimes people are there to help you, sometimes not.  She knew I was there if she really needed me, but she didn't.  

She learned a great lesson that day.  And so did I.  

We all do it.  Whenever we're out, but especially with out children, we judge other mom's parenting styles.  Sometimes we look on and think, "That mom's out of her mind and her children will grow up to be serial killers."  Other times we look and think, "Why can't I get my kids to behave that way!?"  The truth is, no matter what we do, our kids will most likely turn out fine.  As long as they don't end up in jail, are any of us really going to be upset?  We might be disappointed if they don't meet our standards for greatness, but if they have a job and can support themselves, I'd say that makes you a successful parent.  

Friday, September 6, 2013

A New Way of Thinking

I have been a SAHM for almost 19 months now and I am definitely getting used to it.  It's nice.  My days are open to take care of all the errands, so our evenings are free for us to hang out as a family.  I've enjoyed getting reacquainted with my kids and getting my house back in order.  I really thought I was comfortable being a SAHM and everything that goes with that, and then my son started preschool.  My husband usually drops him off in the morning, but when he's out of town I do.  I show up at the same time as all the other parents, only they are dressed in suits, scrubs, skirts with heels and I'm usually in my workout shorts and top ready to take the dog and baby for a walk after my son is dropped off.

The first day I didn't think much of it.  Maybe they would think it's my day off and I'm hitting the gym.  By the third day I thought, "These people are going to know I stay at home!"  Like it was something to be ashamed of!  I couldn't believe my own mind.  Then I thought, "They think I'm just a SAHM that can't handle her kids, so I drop them off at daycare while I go work out so I can eat bonbons the rest of the day."  Seriously, these were my thoughts.  I felt judged, but the only person judging me was myself.

Yes, I was going to get some exercise, but not so I could eat bonbons.  So I could spend part of my day doing something active that did not involve a broom or rag or chasing a kiddo.  I can absolutely take care of my children without sending them to daycare, but our son is old enough for preschool and we want him to be prepared for kindergarten next year.  It doesn't make me a bad SAHM because he goes to preschool!

I have been having this internal dialogue with myself for a few weeks now and I have come to the conclusion that I am terrible.  Everything I was thinking is what I, at one time, had thought about a woman I saw dropping her kids off for preschool in work out clothes, or able to run errands during the day, or going to lunch with friends.  And the truth is, I was just jealous; jealous and clueless!  Sometimes a mom is wearing work out clothes to drop her kids off because even though she's been up for 3 hours she hasn't had time to shower, so instead of wearing PJs to drop off her kids, she's done the more sensible thing and put on something more decent.  And yes, there is time to take walks and go to lunch with friends, but those things are necessary to have adult conversations.  Sometimes the other people walking on the trail are the only adults I'll see ALL DAY LONG!  Lunches with friends are nice because a person can only eat so much PB&J.  After preparing 3 meals a day, day in and day out, it's nice to have some one else have to worry about all that.

It's amazing, 19 months in and I'm still judging myself.  I guess I'm just jealous.