About Me

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I have three fabulous children and a terrific husband. I was recently laid off and have decided to try the stay-at-home gig. We'll see how it goes!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

A feeling of lost worth

It started out as a harmless comment.  I received an advertisement in the mail from Elsevier, a text book publisher, about a new virology text that is coming out.  A friend of mine saw the advertisement and in a joking way said, "Did they ask you to write a chapter?".  It's one of those comments where you had to be there for it to be funny.  It fit what we were doing and talking about at the time and I thought it was pretty clever myself.  But it got me thinking.  No publisher is ever going to ask me to write a chapter.  I'm a SAHM.  That's what I do.  And it's terrible, but I've been thinking that a SAHM is all that I am.  I've even recently had to tell some friends that I lost my job and I was embarrassed.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a SAHM, so why am I feeling like I've lost value?  I'm still the same person.  The place where I spend the most of my day has changed, that's all.  I have less stress in my life, I know my kids better, my house is cleaner (usually) and I've been able to help out others.  It's been great and I honestly have no desire to run out and find a job.  I just want to feel interesting again.  Being a lab scientist made me different.  Now some one has to get to know me to discover how crazy, fun I am.  Maybe that's the problem.  Maybe being a SAHM makes it necessary for me to rely on "who I am" instead of "what I do".

Monday, April 23, 2012

My Life is Not My Own

It has finally hit me.  The part of being a SAHM that I was most afraid.  I am bored.  I seriously hate to say that because I firmly believe that if you are bored you are a boring person.  So, I guess I am a boring person.  I can't even entertain myself anymore.  Everyone has to do things they don't want, but I can usually find something entertaining about any chore.  Even if it's just dancing to some song in my head.  Right now, there is no music.

Some of my issue has got to be pregnancy hormones because I can cry at the drop of a hat and I'm definitely overly sensitive.  This last week has just been stifling.  I feel trapped and extremely limited.  Part of the problem is that my two year old son is acting like a two year old and needs constant discipline and attention.  Therefore, my day is almost completely dictated by my son.  If I'm not doing exactly what he wants, I end up disciplining him for acting out.  Since I am not willing to do exactly what he wants all the time, I end up spending my day putting him in time out.

It feels like I'm stuck doing what other people want to do ALL DAY LONG.  All I wanted to do today was go for a walk.  Did that happen?  Of course not.  I took my son to the grocery store with me this morning and he was wonderful.  I then took him to the library where he participated in a successful bug hunt complete with rubber beetles and magnifying glass.  But then I had the audacity to suggest we go for a walk.  Of course he through a giant fit and instead of a nice stroll through the park, in his riding car, I ended up having to drag him back to the car kicking and screaming.  Then I got to spend the next hour listening to his whining about his punishment for throwing such a fit.  I guess I could have made him stay in his riding car and finished the walk, but that wouldn't be any fun.

I can't go for a walk during his nap.  Not only can I not leave the house, but I have things I need to get done.  I couldn't go before dinner because it took my daughter almost two hours to finish four math problems.  That is not normally the case for her, so it was quite frustrating for both my husband and myself.  I couldn't go after dinner because we had dinner clean-up and bath and bed time.  After bed time it's dark and I don't want to walk at night.  I even got up early this morning to try and get a little exercise in, but of course, the children woke up uncharacteristically early and I ended up playing ref for them.

Things don't get much better after the kids go to sleep.  My husband has been working all day after a horrible night sleep caused by his wife's ogre-like snoring (which, I am told, was at its worse last night).  He then comes home and is super dad, helping with homework and playing with the kids.  All he wants to do after the kids go to sleep is sit and rest.  I haven't done anything fun all day and I unfairly want him to entertain me.

To make things worse, I feel guilty about being so selfish.  My life should not just be about me.  It's just extremely frustrating when all I want is something as simple as a 15 minute walk and it just cannot happen.  And this too shall pass.  I just need to be patient.

Friday, April 20, 2012

My poor, poor husband

My poor, poor husband.  He has not had a full night's sleep in almost two weeks.  It's not his fault, it's mine.  You would think it would be the 2-3 runs to the bathroom each night or the constant tossing and turning I do just to try and get comfortable that is keeping him awake.  But no, it is a relatively new development.  One that I'm not terribly proud of and hoped would never happen to me.  I have become....Gasp..... a snorer.  I guess the extra weight I've put on in this pregnancy has led to this development.  I can only hope that it goes away once I have the baby.

It's not like a gentle lulling snore either.  I asked my husband to video tape me snoring just so I could see how bad it really is and OH MY GOSH, I rival my dad and grandma!  And that, I promise, is an accomplishment.  The noises my father and grandmother can produce in their sleep are legendary.  We often laugh about it at family gatherings.  There's a story my mom likes to tell about me when I was little.  We were staying at my grandmother's house.  Apparently, I woke up to some terrible noise and ran to my mother afraid of some evil creature hiding in the dark.  Turns out, it was just my grandma.

I remember sleeping two closed doors away from my father and not being able to sleep unless his snoring was loud enough that I thought he was in the same room.  When he finally got a sleep apnea machine and quit snoring, I had the hardest time falling asleep.  Now, it's apparently my turn to keep others awake.  I have snored so loud that I have woken myself up!  I can seriously feel the vibrations of the snore in my throat and the noise jolts me awake.  The worst part is that I can't even roll over to stop snoring. 

This morning our daughter joined us in bed about 6AM.  I was falling in and out of sleep when once again I woke myself up, snoring.  And then I heard my daughter pretending to snore.  My husband very nicely asked her to stop and she said, "But Mommy does it."  There's nothing like carrying on a family tradition!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Will the questions never stop!

I know children ask a ton of questions, but being home all the time takes the question asking to a whole new level!  I thought I had to answer a lot of questions at work.  I used to answer questions and make hundreds of decisions everyday, now I answer and make thousands of decisions.  Obviously I have not quantified the exact number of questions I answer, but it certainly feels like a lot more than when I was working.  The  biggest difference is the type of questions I answer now.  Of course the most common question is, "Why?".  I don't mind answering why questions.  I feel like the children learn when I take the time to answer a question like, "Why do you put the bread in the fridge?" or "Why can't I jump off the deck into the pool?". 

The most stressful questions come in this form:
My youngest will point at something like a mail box and say, "What is that called?"
I respond with, "it's a mailbox".
Which is immediately followed by "Why?".
Then, being the quick mom I am, I respond with "It's a box that the mailman puts the mail in.  Thus it's a mailbox".
Which is immediately followed by "Why?".
The only way I can think to respond is, "Because that's what it's called."

I understand that that sequence of questions and answers is not really stressful, but as I have already admitted, I have no patience.  When I have 10 to 20 conversations like the one above in a few hours, I start to get frustrated.  It's worse when I know the kids already know the answer to the questions and just want to talk.  I have a new appreciation for the saying, "Silence is golden".
When my daughter gets home from school it gets worse, because the questions switch from being innocent curiosity to questioning every rule and value we have as a family.  And as she gets older we get caught off guard with new decisions to make.  Just the other day she asked if she could call her friend at home.  Now that's not really a big deal, but she's only 6.  Does she really need to spend her time talking to a friend on the phone?  Again, this is not an Earth-shattering decision, but it's another one that I need to make.  I get nervous about making decisions at the end of the day because I don't know that I have my best decision-making hat on and I don't want to make a rash decision just because I'm tired of making decisions. 

Maybe, like all things, decision making will just take practice.  And since I am a new SAHM, I need a lot more practice!

Monday, April 16, 2012

My daughter's reaction Part 2

Thus far my daughter has been very happy to have me home.  She gets home sooner, has more time to play and rarely has to wait for dinner.  This morning however, I was greeted with a whole other opinion.  The last few weeks, our daughter has had some extra homework and chores at home and has not been able to watch TV in the evening.  What she is forgetting is that the weather has been awesome and we've been spending a good 1.5 to 2 hours a day outside just playing.  Anyway, her major gripe is that she "never" gets to watch TV while her brother gets to watch TV "all day".  I have chosen to ignore how insulting the last part of that statement is.

The argument was started when I asked her to get dressed for school.  She immediately got angry and wanted to know why her 2 year old brother didn't have to go to school.  I told her he would have to go to school as soon as he's old enough.  After a few rounds of "it's not fair" and "I don't want to go to school", she said, "He can go to school.  He can go to Primrose".  This kind of thing has come up a few times since I lost my job and I had to once again explain to her that we cannot afford to send her brother to school right now.  Getting used to a smaller budget has been an adjustment for her as well as for my husband and me.  Then she said to me, "I wish you hadn't quit your job".  That started a whole new discussion about how I did not quit, but had lost my job.  Unsatisfied she stomped off saying she wished I would get a new one.

I know she was just angry and didn't want to go to school, but it did hurt a little.  I am nervous that losing my job has hurt her opinion of me.  She's not old enough to understand how the working world works and only knows that her mom does not have a job.  Most of her friend's moms work.  Is it possible she thinks I'm some kind of loser because I don't have a job?  I don't think she realizes that I have decided to stay home to be with my kids and to help make our household run a little smoother.  Only time will tell.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Hey, I felt that!

I am not an easily offended person.  While I certainly have my opinions about things, I wholly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  However, today I read a comment about a certain stay-at-home mom and was upset.  A democratic political strategist, Hilary Rosen, said in an interview that the wife of republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney,  Ann Romney, had never worked a day in her life and so has no idea about the economic struggle women face.  Ann Romney chose not to work and stayed home to raise their five children.  Honestly, I believe saying she had never worked a day in her life was a bad slip of the tongue and I don't believe Hilary Rosen meant any harm in that.  What bothers me is that Hilary Rosen would think a SAHM would not care as much about the economy as a working mother.  

I have been a SAHM for a little over a month, so I can't really speak from too much experience, but as some one who has had to downsize my cost of living to adjust for the loss of my job I can tell you I very much care about the economy.  My household is down to one income.  If something should happen to my husband's job we would be in a world of hurt.  I've seen the stress being the sole provider has put on my husband and I have my own worries about what could happen.  We don't have a second income to keep us going should he lose his job.  Sure I could always try and get a job and he could look also, but many people are looking for work right now.  

I don't mean to get on my soap box or anything and I know Ms. Rosen was talking specifically about Ann Romney and the fact that she is a millionaire and so does not face the same financial struggles as many other people.  But that does not mean she does not care about the economy. I absolutely believe that working moms are worried about their jobs (I lost mine!), but I think the stress is double on households that rely on one income whether it's the mom or the dad who is home.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I miss the music

I never really thought I could miss music so much.  My husband has always been incredulous as to how little music means to me.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy music and I listen to just about every genre.  It just doesn't "touch my soul" the way it does for some people.  I don't need the constant noise.  I honestly enjoy silence.  However, now that I don't get to listen to it much, I realize how much I do appreciate music. 

It's not like I never have the radio on.  It's just when I do, there is so much noise I can never enjoy the song.  I like to be able to sing along with songs, but when my children are constantly talking to me or each other or playing their own music loud enough to pop an ear drum, I just can't enjoy it.  Also, there are just some types of music or lyrics in songs that I enjoy that I don't want my children to listen to, so I have to censor myself.  I can't let my 6 year old daughter listen to songs about shaking her butt or drinking her cares away. 

I'm rarely alone long enough to get to listen to any music.  Forget about listening to anything in the car.  I might be alone in the car 1 out of every 10 times I drive and the kids are NEVER quiet in the car.  I think they feel they have a captive audience and it's their time to just let all their thoughts, no matter how random, out.  Most of the time I think they're just talking to talk.

Oh well.  Some day my children will move out and I will be able to listen to whatever, whenever I want.  Of course by then everything I like will be considered classics and oldies.  Thank goodness the Internet will allow me to find any song I want no matter how old.  Of course by then the Internet will not exist and we will be using some other form of technology that my senior citizen self won't understand how to use and I will need my children to help me navigate it.  Or I'll be stone deaf from years of listening to their music at ear piercing volumes.  Hopefully my mind won't go too early and I'll be able to just listen to music in my head.  People may think I'm crazy, but I'll be jamming!

Monday, April 9, 2012

What I didn't know I wasn't doing

What could possibly be more challenging to a parent than potty training?  While some people get very lucky I think for most parents it takes an unbelievable amount of patience, consistency and in our case bribery.  While I don't have any teenagers yet, I did have a pretty sassy 4 year old and I would take the sharpest thing she ever said to me over washing poop out of training underwear any time!  You can't get angry when potty training.  If you do that, you'll just scare them out using the toilet.  And once you start, you can't stop.

So what I didn't realize was how much our daughter's daycare helped out with the potty training.  Obviously, I knew they helped, but we are the parents.  Her success must have been due to us, right?.... WRONG!  Those fantastic ladies were on the front lines 8-10 hours a day.  True we had her for a couple hours every night, but nothing compares to the daily grind of making sure your kid gets on the toilet and learns to do everything they need to do on their own.  It totally sucks to realize how little we influenced our child's decision to pee on the potty.  It took a good 6 months for her to be what we considered fully potty trained and yes, we bought stuffed animals and bribed her like no child has ever been bribed before.  But we didn't have to do the work.

We've been working on our son for a little over a month and I'm worn out.  It seems like every time we take one step forward, we move two steps back.  I hate cleaning up poop.  I'm tired of smelling like pee.  The worst part is that I know our son can do it, he just does not want to.  Some how I need to channel the patience and stamina of those fabulous daycare teachers!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I have no patience for their impatience

I know it sounds totally cliche but I just cannot deal with the utter impatience of my children.  They want everything now!  And when I say now, I mean now.  The crying that I hear when the air conditioner does not immediately cool off the car is almost unbearable.   They truly expect the car to be a comfortable 70 degrees F BEFORE I get the key in the ignition.  And yet they dawdle getting into the car, so it actually takes longer for me to get in and start the air conditioner.  And the DVR.... while I don't want to go back to life without one... just may be a curse in disguise.  My youngest starts crying if he has to actually watch a commercial and you don't want to hear the noise that comes from him if he can't watch the show he wants exactly when he wants.  I'm not sure what they'd do if they had to get up to change a channel and keep track of the time to watch their favorite shows like I did when I was a kid.

The worst part is I know that if I want them to be patient, I need to model patience for them.  Patience is a virtue that I certainly do NOT possess.  My husband dreads taking me anywhere there may be a line.  I go to the grocery store at off times, just so I won't have to wait.  The idea of a family vacation at Disney World makes me practically break out in hives!  Waiting two hours in line with not only my own whiny children, but other people's whiny children just to get on a ride that may last 5 minutes is not my idea of vacation.


Unfortunately the only way to master patience is to practice it.  Maybe my children are meant to help me exercise my patience muscle.  Sometimes it's just necessary to move quickly and I don't want to have to ask my kids 6 or 7 times to put their shoes on.  And when you need to be somewhere it's not always possible to take 10 minutes to put them in a time out.  My husband and I are very purposeful about not being late.  It's out pet peeve.  And somehow I'm supposed to keep my composure with a 6 and a 2 year old when I'm obsessed with being on time!  I want to teach my kids that it's rude to be late when you have an appointment and I know yelling at them to hurry up is not going to teach them anything.  

I'm still working on coming up with some consequences for not listening to me.  Maybe I'll try the whisper technique where you talk so low they can't hear you and it causes them to get quieter.  Seems like a good idea, putting it into practice is a whole new subject!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A Whole Month

My first month is done!  I survived.  My children survived.  My husband survived.  There have been some issues with my patience, but I think it's going to be OK.

It's funny how quickly things can change.  I've gone from squeezing 12 hours worth of work into 8 and then coming home to try and spend "quality time" with my kids, to trying to fill my day with something other than cleaning and doing all sorts of fun things with the kids.  I can let them run in the sprinklers for an hour and not worry about making sure I get dinner done or the dishes washed.  There is time.  At some point I'm sure we'll get so busy it will be difficult, but I am definitely enjoying this time.

I do have a new concern.  It's slightly odd, but it does seem to bother me.  I want my children to know that I worked and that I could go back to work.  I have a PhD for crying out loud.  I worked very hard for that degree.  I'm capable of doing more than housework, arts and crafts and fixing boo boos.  But how are they supposed to know that if I don't work?  I especially want my daughters to know that they can do anything they want.

The difference between my son and oldest daughter is that my daughter will remember that I worked, my son will have virtually no memory of it at all and the baby will have no memory.  I'm not sure if that should bother me, but it does a little.  Why does it matter if I bring money into the household?  What I do is important.   I'm "contributing" to the family.  And yet it does not seem quite equal.  My husband works hard all day long at his job and then comes home and is super dad.  Do I have to be exhausted and overworked to be a good mom?  Intellectually I know that's ridiculous, but emotionally it's hard to believe.

Monday, April 2, 2012

The Chip to Dip Ratio

I can only hope to one day reach the teaching prowess of my husband.  He has this fabulous way of giving our children life lessons; very valuable ones and even ones that I would never think to offer.  You should hear his 15 minute talk on how the radio works.  Their faces say it all.  Our children will certainly benefit from his vast knowledge of how the world works.  I am very grateful for all he teaches them.  Some can even be quite entertaining.  The other day he had a fabulous conversation over lunch with our oldest daughter that went something like this:

Dad:  "Honey, eat your carrots, don't just dip them in the ranch and suck the dressing off."
Daughter:  "I'm eating the carrots daddy.  See."  (She dipped it in the ranch and took a big bite)
Dad:  "I know you're eating the carrots, but you're going to run out of ranch before you're done with the carrots."
Daughter:  "What?"
Dad:  "You want to try and plan how much dip you use with each carrot so you have enough for all your carrots."
Daughter:  "But it's yummy this way."
Dad:  "I know, but now you're out of dip and you have 3 carrots left.  Your dip to chip ratio is all off.  Trust me, these are important life skills."
Daughter:  "What, did you take a dip class or something?"

I laughed for about 8 hours.  I love when kids make a joke and they have no idea why you're laughing.  I think she did learn the lesson though.  The next day she had carrots again and the dip didn't run out until she ran out of carrots.