I figured it out!

Lately, I've been struggling with wanting some alone time.  I've gotten out of the house alone a couple of times in the last 2 weeks, but it doesn't seem like it's enough.  I really just want to have a good 4-5 hours, in my house, doing what I want.... no interruptions.  I struggle with this, because it doesn't make sense.  The children have quiet time during the day and they do go to sleep at a very reasonable hour at night.  My husband travels for work, so I have opportunities to be alone then.  So why do I feel like I constantly have some one around, watching me?  The answer is simple, because I do!

My kids have 1-2 hours of quiet time every afternoon during the baby's nap.  Which should be plenty of time for me to accomplish what I need or to just relax.  Unfortunately I end up chasing one or both of them back to their rooms every 20 minutes or so.  Therefore, it is virtually impossible to get anything done, take a nap or even just sit in silence.

Even when my husband's out of town and the kids are in bed, I am the ever vigilant ninja waiting for a child to try and escape their room.  I expect the mild heart attack caused by a little face at 3AM.  I expect the relentless advances to break down my defenses that prevent children from sleeping in my bed.  And even when I relent and let them stay in my bed I end up getting poked, jabbed and kicked all night, culminating in the ever predictable 5:30AM call for breakfast.

So other than the rare excursion away from the house, I am NEVER alone.  There is always the opportunity for some one to talk, touch, beg, ask, annoy, whine or love on me.  The other night, my husband and I were watching a movie and I practically jumped through my skin as I caught a glimpse of my daughter's profile out of the corner of my eye.  I've been surprised by a cute little face popping in the shower, I don't know how many times.  I've slammed bathroom doors on cute little toes and slept on the floor next to their beds to prevent giant hippos from eating them (I don't know where they thought of that).

The reason I feel like I never have any alone time is because I am on guard, 24/7, waiting for whatever they may come up with next.  It could be a book they want to read, a movie they want to watch, some one may have touched some one else, or they may just be lonely and want a hug.  Whatever the reason I feel I must be prepared to act and act now.   I am never truly off duty. 

Even when I do get away, I feel guilty about it.  My husband works hard all day.  It's not like he's out golfing or fishing.  When he's not at work, he's at home with us.  Why should he have to stay and face the continuous onslaught alone? 

Really I think I would be OK if I could just get the kids to stay in their rooms during quiet time.  I am currently in the process of designing a reward/punishment discipline to make "quiet time" more quiet.  I've got my fingers crossed!