It was almost over

After what can only be described as the most exhausting week of my life, we got to Friday just fine.  I managed to get a school project and make-up work done, I got two sick babies to the doctor and a sick dog to the vet.  My husband was home, the kids were on tamiflu and the dog antibiotics for a urinary tract infection.  I thought one of the most difficult weeks of my life was over.  I survived multiple child illnesses and less than 6 hours of sleep a night all while I had the flu.  I was so exhausted that when my husband walked in the door I cried with relief.  I thought the toughest part was over.  The kids were going to be better soon, the dog would be fine and I would finally get a good night's sleep and a chance to rest.  But life just doesn't work that way.

First of all, that night I had a coughing fit and it took me till almost 1AM to fall asleep the first time.  Then the baby started crying and it took another 2 hours to get back to sleep.  Still, my husband was superman and made sure I got to sleep in.  I went down around 8:30 to find three happy children, our Saturday morning pancake breakfast and a dog who just didn't seem right.  Winston, our dog (whose picture is atop this blog), should have felt better.  My husband and I thought about it and decided to take him back to the vet.  Unfortunately, Winston did not come home and a week that I didn't think could possibly get harder has become practically unbearable.

We got Winston almost 12 years ago from a small farm up in the mountains in northern Colorado.  He had these adorable giant ears and paws made for a dog 3 times his size.  At ten weeks he could only take a few steps before doing a somersault over his ears.  He was sweet, cuddly, loved people, rarely barked, often slept and hated car rides.  He was not perfect.  If he ate the wrong food it could get very messy, very quickly.  He had a fetish for trash cans and would steal food from an unsuspecting kid's plate.  But he loved everyone.  He never met a stranger and I think made everyone feel like they were his favorite.

Right now my chest burns, my stomach is in knots and my heart aches.  I didn't just lose a dog; I lost a friend, a companion, a confidant, a protector and a playmate.  He has been with me almost as long as my husband.  I don't know adulthood without him.  To paraphrase my husband, "Through all the changes in our lives over the last 12 years, he has been the constant."  Winston knew us with no jobs, no kids and no money.  He didn't care where we moved as long as he came with us.

When my husband was out of town he made me feel safe.  He was no guard dog and would more than likely trip a burglar trying to get pet, but I truly believed that if I needed him, he would be there.  Anytime I was afraid, I would remind myself that he was there and he would take care of me.  He was my friend late at night when I had no one to talk to.  He would watch me wash bottles and listen to me talk about nothing.  I don't believe there is a dog anywhere who was cuddlier than Winston, either.  He was so soft.  He would lay next to me so his entire back was up against me, ramming his butt into my legs and then just look at me as if to say, "you can pet me now".

Now everywhere I go in my house I see him.  I remember him.  He should look up at me when I pass his bed.  I close the pantry doors so he doesn't sneak a biscuit.  I forget he's gone and when the realty hits I break down again.  I was vacuuming this evening and I broke down at the thought of never finding his hair on my clothes again.  Although I know that 5 years from now, I'll go to put on a sweater and one of his hairs will be there.  It will be a sweet reminder of the wonderful animal we were blessed to know for such a long time.

It's hard for me to believe that I'm this emotional about losing our dog, but I can't imagine life without him.  My heart is broken.