Grieving the Dream

In a few months I am going to turn 35.  That is such a grown up number.  There's no denying it; I am a grown up.  I have three kids, a mortgage and am approaching middle age (35x2=70).  I know that's a ridiculous thing to say, but that's how I feel.  I am normally a very optimistic person, but right now instead of feeling my life is half started, I feel it's half over.  I feel too old to achieve any of the dreams I have left from my younger years.  

My dreams of being a rock star died at age 10 when I realized you had to be able to sing.  I knew I wasn't going to be a tennis pro when I was 16 and discovered that professional players began playing when they were 6.  My dream of being a medical doctor died when I saw the MCAT (That was just pure laziness.  It's a 5.5 hour test!  Who wants to do that?!).

When those dreams faded away, I wasn't hurt.  I didn't really want to do any those things.  They would have been fun adventures.  That's what I want; the adventure.  Doing something different and rare sounds wonderful.

Now "adventure" seems like nothing but an adolescent fantasy.  I stay home with three kids.  That's what I do.  I can't have crazy, spontaneous adventures because babysitters are expensive and almost impossible to get last minute.  It's difficult to have hobbies when I'm interrupted every 5 minutes.  I know the kids will eventually grow up and I'll get some freedom back, but then I'll be too old.  Again, I know that's a ridiculous thing to say, but it's how I FEEL.  It's over.  The days when a fantasy could possibly come true are gone.

Even though I know it's ludicrous, the idea that there is no chance for me to experience anything fun and crazy anymore is very depressing.  I can't shake it.  I try to focus on the dreams that have come true.  More than anything I wanted to have a loving marriage and beautiful children.  That has happened.  And I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But is it really too much to ask for the CIA to need my help tracking a deadly virus that only I have the ability to stop?  Or that I end up doing a segment on "The Chew" because my food is so amazing everyone wants to know how I do it.  I mean really.  It's not going to happen, but it would be so COOL!